What do you call a lady of the evening only interested rear maneuvers?

Q: What do you call a lady of the evening only interested rear maneuvers?

A: A back ho.

I'll show myself out

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2019
🚨︎ report
Henry Heimlich, the creator of the Heimlich maneuver, was getting frustrated. (Crosspost from /r/jokes) reddit.com/r/Jokes/commen…
πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/mattsl
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2019
🚨︎ report
My dad needed the Heimlich maneuver from accidentally swallowing his food after telling a joke at dinner.

Ah, dad chokes.

πŸ‘︎ 33
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/brenatt
πŸ“…︎ Jun 05 2018
🚨︎ report
"hey you forgot to get milk."

"Sorry I must've skimmed past it."

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Blitzerxyz
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2020
🚨︎ report
A guy starts choking on his food in a restaurant.

A doctor sees the man choking and springs into action. He runs across the restaurant, pulls the man out of his chair, pulls the man's pants down, and licks his butt. The man coughs hard, and the food is dislodged from his throat.

Grateful, he turns to doctor and says, "Thank God you knew the Hind Lick Maneuver!"

πŸ‘︎ 32
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/startrektoheck
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2020
🚨︎ report
GF's been feeling friskier now that her period's ending...

My GF and I have both been tired every night since we just finished moving our house. She was also on her period, so our frisky time has been cut down. She asked me last night to feel free to be more promiscuous with her, now that her period is ending.

Today we were putting a new TV stand together. She held the TV as a I maneuvered the screwdriver. I stopped and told her "Hey, you got your wish, we're screwing on the bed!"

I will not be screwing on the bed tonight after that.

πŸ‘︎ 376
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Rasalom
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2016
🚨︎ report
Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant...

While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?'

The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'

The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I never seed nobody done it.'

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/shimaxed
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2019
🚨︎ report
Why did the engine have claustrophobia?

There wasn't much vroom to maneuver

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ctb33391
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04 2019
🚨︎ report
What should you do if you see someone choking at a famous New York museum?

Perform the Guggenheimlich maneuver.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ScottyUrb
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16 2019
🚨︎ report
Wife dadjoked me

We stopped at a dollar store to pick up a few items, and I parked in front of the store next to a handicap stall. I noticed the handicap stall was the same width as a regular parking stall, to which I remarked, "That's not really a convenient parking stall as there's no space for the handicap person to maneuver." My wife replied, "Ya, that's not very handy!"

Visual reference http://i.imgur.com/hM8a1kP.jpg

πŸ‘︎ 36
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/aamir64
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2016
🚨︎ report
A play on words

Play on words: Sexually frustrated sea mammals

     I'm Russ Whale. My wife Bayleen a few months ago gave birth to our first calf, Humphrey. I convinced my mother-in-law to whale watch tonight. It's been far too long. I drop off Humphrey and head home to hook up with the wife. 

I arrive and who do I sealion there? The wife. I'm undeterred. I try my patented move, the Humpback. I get a slight groan.

Bayleen: Rus, Are you poking me in the back again?

Rus: It's on porpoise. We're alone for the first time in forever.

Bayleen: I'm so tired, I haven't got any sleep with Humphrey making me into a nurse shark. Plus you smell like ambergris.

Rus: Hamburgers?

Bayleen: Yes, hamburgers. Please go take a shower or something.

Rus: Ok.

Rus takes a quick shower and returns. Bayleen is asleep again. Rus tries the humpback maneuver again. Nothing.

Rus: Sometimes... I wish I was a sperm whale.

Rus is slightly blubbering and and all you can make outs is odd noises and maybe the word 'blowhole'. Rus cries himself to sleep.

Fin.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Dyspaereunia
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2016
🚨︎ report
This conversation between my (ex)gf.

Long post is long:

Her: Remember dad's tomato bushes? Well they're attacking! At least one is leaning across the path trying to get at my window... We had the war of the roses, now its time for the attack of the tomatoes!

Me: I don't remember anything about tomato bushes. From one battle to the next.

Her: Yep! Lookout tomatoes here comes the chutney recipe!

Me: I can just imagine a cucumber campaign. Operation onion would be next, which will fail, causing everyone to cry. Dill Day follows, a great success for the allied gardeners. All too soon though, the kamikaze carrots set in, utterly ruining the radish raid. The mushroom maneuver is employed, saving the troops, allowing them to deal the final blow in the asparagus assault!

Her: Don't forget the pumpkins want to supply ground cover with heavy support...

Me: Ah yes, the pumpkin paratroopers.

Her: Thyme is running out...

Me: Prepare the beetroot bombs!!!

Her: Aim for Potato Garden!

Me: Fire the capsicum! Deploy the celery team!

Her: Bring in the egg plant division to support the capsicum!

Me: This is it boys, life or dirt! I want a passionfruit unit to find us a vantage point, and the strawberry unit to surround them!

Her: We had better bring the lettuce up to date!

Me: The cabbage are under withering fire, we need support from the raspberry division! The potatoes are mashed, so well need to send the zucchini in their place!

Her: The zucchini can't take that heavy fire, they'll be grated. Send spinach for some extra iron. The sweet potatoes are digging in at the ridge.

Me: Prepare the watermelon bomb, we need to finish this! The eggplant were squashed, deploy the broccoli brigade! The beans need to get out of there, or they'll be split!

Her: Cauliflowers are going in to retrieve the beans. How brave to risk their florets!

The corn commandos are deployed, but the artichokes are all out of heart, we need to boost morale.

Me: The leeks are down! They'll be flattened if we don't do something!

Are the spinach still operational?

Her: Too bad the pepper isn't on our side, they're well seasoned troops.

Spinach is a go!
Nothing has touched it...

Me: But wait! We still have the chillies to give them heavy fire!

Her: And the squashes and peas!

Me: The ginger is holding it's ground, but it's being cut down by the pineapple!

The basil should make things interesting, send them to aid the potatoes.

**Her:

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Zokoro
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2017
🚨︎ report
A Sexy Joke

During a night of passionate love making from a couple of German newlyweds, a group of sperm travel, all with the hope to be the one to fertilize the egg. A pair of sperm find themselves in a heated argument:

"I vill be the one who gets there first, after all, I am from the left testicle, we are known for our speed!" gloated the one sperm.

"Nein! It vill be I! I hail from the right testicle - known for its efficiency!" yelled the other.

"Well we lefties are known for our cunning, I will definitely out maneuver you!"

"The right vill be VICTORIOUS!" "Nein! the left vill be TRIUMPHANT!!!" "LEFT!" "RIGHT!" "LEFT!!!!!" "RIIIIGGGHHHTT!!!"

Finally fed up from the constant bickering, a sperm from the front of the load yells

"OH VAS DEFERENS DOES IT MAKE?!"

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/EwThatsABoysName
πŸ“…︎ Aug 01 2014
🚨︎ report
u/Turk3ysDad was always so smooth with the bill

Not so much a joke, but just something my dad does:

Whenever we go out to eat, he must sense when the waiter/waitress is going to ask if we're ready for the bill, he pulls out his wallet and in one smooth motion presents he the credit card and says "Let me give you this now and save you the trip."

He must have a sixth sense about cause I have never been able to pull off that maneuver as easily. He might of been doing it subconsciously, because the one time I bring it up and tease him a little; he stopped doing it.

Legend has it once as he handed the card to the waitress she said, "Oh, that will save me a trip!" However I was not there so who really knows what happened that day.

πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TURK3Y
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2013
🚨︎ report
So I asked my dad how to help a choking dog...

Me: What do you do if a dog is choking? Dad: Simple, lick its butt. Me: Huh? Dad: Yeah, it's called the hind-lick maneuver!

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/The_User_COOKIE
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2013
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.