A man came up to me and said "Man, your clothes look gay".
I said "I know, they came out of the closet this morning".
What do you call two octopuses that look the same?
I told my son, look the church has locked up the door and turned off their lights. He said, what's that got to do with anything? I said well,...
My dentist looks like my eye doctor
I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. “How much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. “Nothing” I slurred. “Look at me!” she shouted. “It’s either me or the pub, which one is it?”
I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled, “It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”
"Look at that flock of cows"
"Herd of cows"
"Course I have, I go there every year for the regatta"
You see a boat filled with people, but when you look closer you don't find a single person in it. Why?
Because everyone is married.
He looks like he is dilling drugs
My mother always told me I look more like her from the waste up, but took after my father from the waste down...
... because I'm a smart a**
Looks like one of the guys left
Always the last place you look
Don’t judge a meal by the look of the first course.
Looks like that T has never made its debut
How many times in a day can you look at a clock?
My friend: "do you know him?" Me: "No, but he looks like a Luke"
My friend: " That was close! He is Luke with an F, but how did you know?"
Me: "It was just a Fluke"
What do you call a potato that looks like a penis?
I'm on the fence about the COVID-19 vaccine, but the free stuff you can get for showing your vaccination card looks really nice.
I guess it's worth a shot.
My wife: I just got this new pair of glasses. How do I look?
Me: As always, I recommend using your eyes.
T-Rex: Look, honey... I think you should come to New York with me.
I can’t see you if you don’t move.
As a chemistry teacher, someone asked me during one of my labs if I look at memes.
I married my wife for her looks
Just not the ones she been giving me lately.
Thanks for the silver ❤️
My wife said "I look fat, give me a compliment"
I said "you got perfect eyesight."
An elderly inventor was becoming depressed with his life: his hearing was failing, his wife was always nagging him, he hadn't invented anything good in years, and his former good looks had been replaced by wrinkles and sagging skin.
He goes to the doctor to discuss his depression. When he arrives back home he has a huge smile on his face. He rushed past his wife and heads into the basement, where he immediately starts tinkering with a brand new invention.
His wife comes downstairs, gives the invention a once-over, then asks "What on earth is this thing, and how this supposed to help your depression?".
"Honey, the doctor told me working on this should have me feeling better in no time!" replies the man. He then proceeds to describe in detail how the machine cracks eggs, steams them, and flips them out onto a plate in under a minute, all at the touch of a button.
"But what on earth does this have to do with your depression? What did that quack doctor tell you to do?" asks the wife
The man replies: "He told me to work on my self egg-steam".
Wonder how Gin Morrison would look like!
One look at medusa can get one rock hard
What looks like red paint and smells like blue paint?
Red paint.
Dont hate me its cakeday
Juggling looks fun.
But I don't have the balls for it.
My friend told me, “Your wife and daughter look like twins!”
I said, “Well, they were separated at birth.”
My Dad showed me a picture of him at a REM concert "Look" he said.
That's me in the corner...
EDIT. Sorry that was just a dream
Jesus Christ would you look at the time
So I brought my girlfriend home to meet my parents. She looks like my mum, sounds like my mum, even dresses like my mum..
Who looks at the ceiling and cheers?
Two thistles are arguing over who has the better yard The one turns to the other and says "your dirt is way too loose, man, look" and yanks him up and out of the ground Second thistle looks up at the first and goes
"I artichoke you for that"
Recently, I've been driving my wife crazy with how many friends named Fred I've been making, and they all look the same, no less. That said, one day a man rang our bell, and my wife, relieved that he did not look like my other friends, asked who he was, to which a replied:
"Don't worry, Honey, he's just another Fred of mine."
If good looks were a crime.....
I'd still be a law abiding citizen.
What do you call someone who looks just like you on a passing train?
I told my dad that Derren Brown looks better without hair
He said "That's a bald claim"
Looks like I have all my ducks in a row
I felt uncomfortable with my wife giving me dirty looks in public
So I had to ask her to clean her glasses
How does a baby look something up?
They "Goo Goo" it.
[This joke provided courtesy of my seven-year old.]
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