Iβm about to share a joke thatβll turn r/dadjokes upside down
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︎ Mar 24 2021
My dad constantly tells me I'll never amount to anything because I always procrastinate.
I'll show him. Just you wait.
Edit: Goodness, that blew up. My first awards, too!
I want to send out individual replies to thank everyone who gave me an award. I might do it later.
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︎ Feb 24 2021
To all ya'll in Texas without tap water
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︎ Feb 21 2021
Gimme some sweet karma for an account I'll never use again
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︎ Mar 30 2021
A woman walks into a bar. βIβll have an entendre,β she says to the bartender. βMake it a double.β
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︎ Apr 07 2021
I'll be honest, this one's quite cheesy
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︎ Apr 07 2021
One thing I'll never do is tell dad jokes
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︎ Apr 13 2021
weβll see
π︎ 102
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︎ Apr 08 2021
Iβll never date an apostrophe again!
The last one was too possessive.
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︎ Apr 08 2021
My mom, ordering at a restaurant: Iβll have the chefβs salad, please.
Dad: Honey, thatβs a little rude. Just have your own.
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︎ Mar 27 2021
I'll see myself out π€£
π︎ 4k
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︎ Dec 27 2020
I'll never forget my grandfather's last words before he kicked the bucket
"Do you wanna see how far I can kick that bucket?"
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︎ Feb 20 2021
Do you remember when you were a kid and whenever you cried, your parents would say, βIβll give you a reason to cry!?" I always thought they were going to hit me...
...not that they were going to destroy the housing market 20 years later.
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︎ Mar 17 2021
Whatβs the worst thing thatβll happen to the Gaetz household if he gets busted?
His son will end up an empty Nestor.
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︎ Mar 31 2021
I'll admit, it was a half-baked idea
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︎ Mar 14 2021
My girlfriend said she'll leave me if I don't support Trump.
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︎ Oct 11 2020
I'll never forget my grandfathers last words to me..
"Would you stop shaking the fucking ladder?!"
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︎ Jan 27 2021
A cheesy pun thatβll grate on your nerves
π︎ 51
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︎ Feb 01 2021
Who'll are from Indonesia?
π︎ 5k
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︎ Oct 14 2020
How many times do you have to tickle an octopus before heβll laugh?
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︎ Mar 12 2021
Two brokers met on the sidewalk. "How's it going?" Said the one. "I'm fine," replied the other. "Well, gotta run," said the one. "Okay," said the other, "I'll see ya later." "All right. Bye."
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︎ Apr 07 2021
My wife told me sheβll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer.
Iβm not too worried, I think sheβs jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf
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︎ Dec 23 2020
If you sin 90 times, you'll only get caught 50% of times,
π︎ 17k
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︎ Sep 12 2020
I had a sheer hope that theyβll get it
π︎ 12
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︎ Feb 26 2021
If a woman says she'll be ready in 15 minutes, she will be.
No need to remind her every half hour.
π︎ 5k
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︎ Oct 31 2020
He'll be back
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︎ Feb 11 2021
Here's a way you'll know this sentence is pregnant
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︎ Mar 26 2021
A sausage says to the egg "You know, after they burn us up on that hot pan, they'll stab us with forks and cut us with their sharp knives...
The egg says to the sausage "wow, amazing - a talking sausage!"
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︎ Mar 20 2021
I'll make sure to control my anger next time
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︎ Feb 09 2021
I'll agree
π︎ 43
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︎ Jan 10 2021
Sister: we'll also need to find out about how much a new roof costs.
Me: contractors do that for free.
Sister: really?
Me: yeah, it's on the house.
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︎ Mar 29 2021
Waiter, I'll have the omelette please.
π︎ 15
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︎ Feb 19 2021
Two drunk guys were about to get into a brawl. One of the guys grabs a stick and draws a line in the dirt and says "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face".
π︎ 13k
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︎ Sep 22 2020
Two guys at a bar order drinks. The first says "I'll have some H2O." The second says "Yeah, I'll have some H2O too."
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︎ Feb 20 2021
I wore a credit card costume yesterday, I think I'll wear it today
π︎ 4
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︎ Feb 27 2021
After this week's bad weather in Texas, there'll probably be a baby boom in nine months.
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︎ Feb 19 2021
Heβll be cutting your grass
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︎ Sep 17 2020
Youβll do a lot of dumb things in your youth, son, and thatβs okay, because most of the consequences wonβt follow you into adulthood. But you know what will always come back to haunt you?
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︎ Mar 15 2021
I'll be Bach.
π︎ 75
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︎ Dec 23 2020
Iβll be back...
And Iβll be Beethoven!
(Been rocking this joke since I was 10!)
π︎ 5
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︎ Mar 02 2021
My wife said she'll leave me if I don't stop the laundry puns
So from today I'm detergent to be better.
π︎ 18
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︎ Jan 17 2021
My wife said she'll leave me, if I ever cheated on her.
π︎ 3
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︎ Feb 22 2021
You'll laugh at almost anything, but when I joke about how a noisy animal has become a synonym for silence...
π︎ 11
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︎ Feb 08 2021
What's the Kraken gonna give you that'll make you laugh uncontrollably?
π︎ 7
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︎ Feb 21 2021
So last night my boyfriend left the bedroom door open to get more heat in the room because there are more heating vents in the hallway than in the bedroom. I said, "You might say it's eVENTful." He didn't laugh. So then I said, "You'll laugh eVENTually."
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︎ Jan 09 2021
If I have twin daughters, I'll name one Kate
And I'll name the other DupliKate
π︎ 119
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︎ Dec 12 2020
You know what'll really distract Micheal Myers?
π︎ 2
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︎ Mar 09 2021
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