I'll never forget my grandfathers last words to me..
"Would you stop shaking the fucking ladder?!"
A cheesy pun that’ll grate on your nerves
I'll make sure to control my anger next time
My girlfriend said she'll leave me if I don't support Trump.
My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer.
I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf
Who'll are from Indonesia?
You'll laugh at almost anything, but when I joke about how a noisy animal has become a synonym for silence...
A cow and an ox fell into a pit of despair, the cow says "How long do you think we'll be down here?" The Ox says "Once you moove over"
My wife said she'll leave me if I don't stop the laundry puns
So from today I'm detergent to be better.
If a woman says she'll be ready in 15 minutes, she will be.
No need to remind her every half hour.
If you sin 90 times, you'll only get caught 50% of times,
So last night my boyfriend left the bedroom door open to get more heat in the room because there are more heating vents in the hallway than in the bedroom. I said, "You might say it's eVENTful." He didn't laugh. So then I said, "You'll laugh eVENTually."
2 drunk guys getting into a fight. One gets up and draws a line on the ground. He says "you cross this line and I'll punch you in the face".
That was the punchline...
He’ll be cutting your grass
Give man a match and you'll keep him warm for a minute.
Set man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
If I have twin daughters, I'll name one Kate
And I'll name the other DupliKate
Ya'll making puns huh?
Toucan play at that game!
My girlfriend said if I don’t marry her then she’ll destroy my hearing
It’s a wife or deaf situation
Credit for idea: https://www.reddit.com/r/dadjokes/comments/l5550w/my_girlfriend_says_if_we_dont_get_married_soon/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
I'll never vaccinate my kids, that's stupid, irresponsible, and dangerous.
I'd get the doctor to do it.
Okay I'll bite.
I'm sick of choking on my food.
Very slow day/boring. So I'll post an oldie just because.
Why is 6 afraid of 7?...because 7-8-9.
I’ll never forget the day I saw the ugliest man I’ve ever seen.
The dude thought it was funny to copy my every move, he’s lucky there was a pane of glass between us.
I'll hire this guy for a contract
I don't know whether dumpling-shaped pasta made of potato flour exists, but I'll believe it when I see it.
You can say I'm agnocchic.
My sister had a baby, she hopes it’ll save the relationship...
But I still don’t talk to her
Grizzly bear walks into a bar. Says to the bartender "i'll have a whiskey..................on the rocks, please" bartender asks "whats with the big pause?"
Grizzly looks perplexed and replies "Ive had them all my life"
Saw this on r/unexpected, thought it was funny so here we are :) I’ll be sure to add the link to the OG post in the comments incase you wanna see it
I'll be in the bathroom a little longer this morning...
Because I've been holding this in since last year. Out of the way!
Take it easy people. Pretty soon you'll be able to kiss and have sex with the one you love.
But for now, stay at home and do it with the one you're married to.
Well, it's that time on New Year's Eve. I'll see you all...
Just before midnight tonight, I’ll lift up my left leg.
That way, I can start the new year on the right foot.
I just went to get my glasses fixed and you’ll never guess who I ran into when I was there!
That’s right!
.... Everyone.
I'll stick to my ribs
A woman walked into the kitchen one day and saw, much to her horror, her husband sitting at the table with blood all over most of his face, his chest, hands, arm, and on the table. She watched for a moment, shocked, as he began pouring barbeque sauce on his arm where most of the blood was coming from.
"Stop that! What are you doing!? What happened to your arm?!" She finally managed to scream as she unjammed all the words trying to flow out at once.
Her husband looked at her with a disgusted frown and a shake of his head and replied "I've made a terrible me-steak"
Traveling with my nine year old, and he observed that our gate in Hartford was A6, and our gate in Baltimore is B6. I respond that it's raining so hard we'll take a boat home...
I'll never walk down the hall, outside the church, near the courtyard...
My wife told me, "You're a better husband than I'll ever be."
I responded, "Who the hell is Oliver B.??"
Get in a pun battle with me, and I’ll have to put on my...
I wonder if they'll write a book about Ellen Page's transformation into Elliot
They should.
It'll be a real Page-turner!
I've said it before and i'll say it again, Michael Jackson is not good.
On January 1st 2021, we'll have perfect 2020 hindsight
I'll always refer to my stomach as Budapest
Because it is the capital of Hungary.
I'll see you all next year
I don't think I'll ever find a stable job
To be honest I'm not too comfortable around horses.
Two drunk guys were about to get into a brawl. One of the guys grabs a stick and draws a line in the dirt and says "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face".
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