Boss: "what's that?", Me: (with much enthusiasm) "it's a SPACE BAR!!!!!" *wets myself laughing*, Boss: "...................." *delivers withering look* "are you allowed to stick things on your laptop?", Me: *dies inside at another badly landed pun*
πŸ‘︎ 103
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HumusGoose
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2018
🚨︎ report
I've landed my dream job at the guillotine factory...

Will beheading there tomorrow.

πŸ‘︎ 113
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2020
🚨︎ report
Just had about a dozen crows land in a tree near me

I'm getting real sick of this Corvid pandemic.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SpartansATTACK
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2021
🚨︎ report
Why did the Jewish pilot refuse to land at the airport?

Because it was Passover

πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thelummx
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2021
🚨︎ report
Why do the British like acquiring new land?

Because it is proper-tea

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HentaiForMySenpai
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2021
🚨︎ report
2 Astronauts landed on the Sun

Astronaut 1 : ItssofuckinghotcanIgetabeeraroundhere?

Astronaut 2 : Thereisnospacebar.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rhshi14
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2021
🚨︎ report
A century ago, two brothers insisted that it was possible to fly ...

... and as you can see, they were Wright

πŸ‘︎ 11k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/LordCinko
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2021
🚨︎ report
This is where getting high everyday will land you.
πŸ‘︎ 171
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πŸ‘€︎ u/linknt01
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2020
🚨︎ report
Since the start of the Covid outbreak I own the quietest bar in the land....

Bar none.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2021
🚨︎ report
The nation of Iran lies between the ancient lands of Babylon to the west and the mountains of Afghanistan to the east...

In other words, it’s between Iraq and a hard place.

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/watercolorfiddle
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2020
🚨︎ report
Landed a good I think while pressure washing today.

Me: Well son the driveway was long over due for a cleaning.

My son: oh yeah? Was it?

Me: I think evidence is pretty concrete!

He gave me the eye roll and head back, a win in my book.

πŸ‘︎ 32
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2020
🚨︎ report
In a freak accident today, a photographer was killed when a huge lump of cheddar landed on him.

To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn him.

πŸ‘︎ 234
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VVIIVVI
πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2020
🚨︎ report
What's the best ride in Candy Land?

The Rollo' Coaster

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2020
🚨︎ report
My four year old son threw his ball that landed on my laptop keyboard while I was typing

And said β€œI guess the ball is working today!”. His first real joke. I’m so proud!

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jeresil
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2021
🚨︎ report
An American, landing in India: Does anyone here know how to play baseball?

India: crickets

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2020
🚨︎ report
How do farmers measure land?

They use protractors.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/chairlegnumber4
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the musician play that landed him in jail?

He played a D minor.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kboisno
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a plane that always lands rough?

Boing

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2020
🚨︎ report
Well that crash landed
πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/prabeshdai13
πŸ“…︎ Apr 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Landed a simultaneous chemistry joke and dad joke

My wife drove by with the kids and visited me at work. While I was saying hi, this happened:

Wife: You have some silly kids in here.

Me: And in here [indicate my lab], I have some sili-cates!

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/maveri4201
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2020
🚨︎ report
It's Christmas day. Mariah Carey is opening presents around the tree with friends and family. She opens an envelope with a gift, the deed to a piece of residential land.

With a frown, she says "I don't want a lot for Christmas".

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/johnblu5
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2020
🚨︎ report
Old Farmer: If you want your crops to grow, you must remember to fertilize your land properly.

New guy: That sounds like bullshit.

Farmer: Yes, exactly.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a large land mass that uncontrollably leaks into the ocean?

Incontinent

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2020
🚨︎ report
Does this make Switzerland the Holy Land?
πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/the_Jockstrap
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2020
🚨︎ report
What sound does a 747 make when it crash lands ?

Boeing, Boeing, Boeing.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2020
🚨︎ report
Why didn’t the passengers receive flowers when their plane landed in Hawaii?

Their flight was deleied.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Daudelin1
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2020
🚨︎ report
THE LAND MINE WAS A....

GROUND BREAKING DISCOVERY

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2020
🚨︎ report
A dad and son drove by a golf course next to a few houses the son asked β€œwhat happens if the ball lands in the house”

The dad said β€œit’s a home-in-one”

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/isaiah2rod
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2020
🚨︎ report
If a highly skilled bird lands on your father’s sweater...

That’s a pro sparrow on your fleecy dad. Looking forward to a happy 2021!

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/zedhead0628
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you know that Apollo 11 landed in the wrong place?

The shuttle was low on fuel, so Armstrong has to take manual control of it to find them a safer place to land, landing 4 miles away from where they intended to.

The scientists behind it were very Apollo-getic.

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SpiderFlash-1273
πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2020
🚨︎ report
So I was buying cheese the other day when the clerk came out with a large wheel. Problem is, they tripped, landing on the wheel and crushed it. He asked if I still wanted it. I said no. He asked why.

I simple told him "It's no Gouda!"

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/wolfyfancylads
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2020
🚨︎ report
Two crows land on a park bench.

They were arrested for conspiring to murder.

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/codenewt
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2020
🚨︎ report
90 percent of my jokes don't land...

But one pun in ten did.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/gasface
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you know that the fastest animal on land is the ostrich?

Actually, it's not but the fastest one is a cheetah

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Alfie_13
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2020
🚨︎ report
I’ve got this awful disease where I can’t stop telling airport jokes

My doctor says it’s terminal

πŸ‘︎ 18k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/schiggy182
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2020
🚨︎ report
A salesman said his windows were unbreakable, so I punched one. That hurt, but not nearly as much as the window falling off the display and landing on my head. Unfortunately I can't sue...

...they were advertised as double-pain windows after all.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2020
🚨︎ report
In my my neighbor's home, their huge dog frequently sleeps at the landing at the top of their tall staircase causing a possible tripping hazard. Good advice to them....

Persons in their household should watch their steps, particularly early risers.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bardbelle
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife asked me if she should learn any new bread recipes.

I said no need

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SoNotCool
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2021
🚨︎ report
Daughter asked, β€œWhy am I named Rose?” Its because a rose landed on you shortly after you were born. My other daughter asked, β€œ Why am I named Daisy?” It is because a daisy landed on your head after you were born.

My son asked, β€œ Why is my name Richard?”

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Parkwad
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the Egyptian man wrongfully insist that he was still on land?

He was in de-nile

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/LooseMonty
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2020
🚨︎ report
A company started selling land mines disguised as prayer mats...

The prophets were through the roof!

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/PianoSchmo
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2020
🚨︎ report
Hurricane Marco is headed towards land

Hurricane polo is nowhere in sight

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/airhogg
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2020
🚨︎ report

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