Boss: "what's that?", Me: (with much enthusiasm) "it's a SPACE BAR!!!!!" *wets myself laughing*, Boss: "...................." *delivers withering look* "are you allowed to stick things on your laptop?", Me: *dies inside at another badly landed pun*
π︎ 108
π
︎ Nov 16 2018
I've landed my dream job at the guillotine factory...
Will beheading there tomorrow.
π︎ 104
π
︎ Dec 31 2020
This is where getting high everyday will land you.
π︎ 170
π
︎ Nov 12 2020
The nation of Iran lies between the ancient lands of Babylon to the west and the mountains of Afghanistan to the east...
In other words, itβs between Iraq and a hard place.
π︎ 20
π
︎ Dec 20 2020
Landed a good I think while pressure washing today.
Me: Well son the driveway was long over due for a cleaning.
My son: oh yeah? Was it?
Me: I think evidence is pretty concrete!
He gave me the eye roll and head back, a win in my book.
π︎ 36
π
︎ Dec 21 2020
What's the best ride in Candy Land?
π︎ 2
π
︎ Dec 18 2020
How do farmers measure land?
π︎ 5
π
︎ Dec 27 2020
In a freak accident today, a photographer was killed when a huge lump of cheddar landed on him.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn him.
π︎ 234
π
︎ Oct 09 2020
An American, landing in India: Does anyone here know how to play baseball?
π︎ 11
π
︎ Dec 19 2020
What do you call a plane that always lands rough?
π︎ 3
π
︎ Dec 24 2020
What did the musician play that landed him in jail?
π︎ 5
π
︎ Nov 11 2020
Landed a simultaneous chemistry joke and dad joke
My wife drove by with the kids and visited me at work. While I was saying hi, this happened:
Wife: You have some silly kids in here.
Me: And in here [indicate my lab], I have some sili-cates!
π︎ 7
π
︎ Dec 15 2020
Old Farmer: If you want your crops to grow, you must remember to fertilize your land properly.
New guy: That sounds like bullshit.
Farmer: Yes, exactly.
π︎ 4
π
︎ Dec 17 2020
It's Christmas day. Mariah Carey is opening presents around the tree with friends and family. She opens an envelope with a gift, the deed to a piece of residential land.
With a frown, she says "I don't want a lot for Christmas".
π︎ 19
π
︎ Nov 23 2020
What do you call a large land mass that uncontrollably leaks into the ocean?
π︎ 8
π
︎ Dec 01 2020
What sound does a 747 make when it crash lands ?
π︎ 9
π
︎ Nov 27 2020
Why didnβt the passengers receive flowers when their plane landed in Hawaii?
Their flight was deleied.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Dec 02 2020
THE LAND MINE WAS A....
GROUND BREAKING DISCOVERY
π︎ 2
π
︎ Nov 20 2020
Well that crash landed
π︎ 6k
π
︎ Apr 21 2020
Does this make Switzerland the Holy Land?
π︎ 15
π
︎ Oct 19 2020
A dad and son drove by a golf course next to a few houses the son asked βwhat happens if the ball lands in the houseβ
The dad said βitβs a home-in-oneβ
π︎ 3
π
︎ Nov 14 2020
If a highly skilled bird lands on your fatherβs sweater...
Thatβs a pro sparrow on your fleecy dad. Looking forward to a happy 2021!
π︎ 3
π
︎ Nov 28 2020
Did you know that Apollo 11 landed in the wrong place?
The shuttle was low on fuel, so Armstrong has to take manual control of it to find them a safer place to land, landing 4 miles away from where they intended to.
The scientists behind it were very Apollo-getic.
π︎ 20
π
︎ Oct 11 2020
So I was buying cheese the other day when the clerk came out with a large wheel. Problem is, they tripped, landing on the wheel and crushed it. He asked if I still wanted it. I said no. He asked why.
I simple told him "It's no Gouda!"
π︎ 4
π
︎ Nov 08 2020
Did you know that the fastest animal on land is the ostrich?
Actually, it's not but the fastest one is a cheetah
π︎ 3
π
︎ Nov 06 2020
Two crows land on a park bench.
They were arrested for conspiring to murder.
π︎ 17
π
︎ Oct 07 2020
90 percent of my jokes don't land...
π︎ 10
π
︎ Sep 24 2020
Iβve got this awful disease where I canβt stop telling airport jokes
My doctor says itβs terminal
π︎ 18k
π
︎ Sep 04 2020
A salesman said his windows were unbreakable, so I punched one. That hurt, but not nearly as much as the window falling off the display and landing on my head. Unfortunately I can't sue...
...they were advertised as double-pain windows after all.
π︎ 10
π
︎ Sep 23 2020
In my my neighbor's home, their huge dog frequently sleeps at the landing at the top of their tall staircase causing a possible tripping hazard. Good advice to them....
Persons in their household should watch their steps, particularly early risers.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Sep 22 2020
Mariah Carey is opening her Christmas present
And inside she finds a deed to an undeveloped plot of land that is zoned residential. Disappointed, she sets the deed down and says, "I don't want a lot for Christmas!"
π︎ 603
π
︎ Dec 01 2020
A company started selling land mines disguised as prayer mats...
The prophets were through the roof!
π︎ 10
π
︎ Aug 10 2020
Why did the Egyptian man wrongfully insist that he was still on land?
π︎ 4
π
︎ Jul 30 2020
Hurricane Marco is headed towards land
Hurricane polo is nowhere in sight
π︎ 8
π
︎ Aug 23 2020
Why was it so easy to see the aircraft on the grass lands?
π︎ 2
π
︎ Sep 08 2020
Yesterday I purchased a world map and put it on the wall in the kitchen
I gave my wife a dart and said:" Throw this and, wherever it lands, i'll take you there for a holiday."
Turns out we're spending three weeks behind the fridge.
π︎ 94
π
︎ Dec 28 2020
What did the fawning plane propeller say to the pilot once they had landed?
π︎ 3
π
︎ Aug 30 2020
Landed this in a text message thread to my SO
SO (at the market) : What kind of coffee beans do you want?
Me: Anything that doesn't say dark roast
SO: OMG! Hold the phone, I may have found something amazing!
Me: Fun fact, I am already holding the phone.
π︎ 8
π
︎ Aug 16 2020
(1) What type of airplane bounces back up when it crash lands?
π︎ 38
π
︎ Jun 04 2020
What does a pirate drive on land?
π︎ 7
π
︎ Jul 29 2020
Why should you never tell jokes on an airplane?
Because they'll just go over everyone's head
π︎ 10
π
︎ Dec 05 2020
I just landed a job at a local Asian restaurant.
All I had to do was wok in for my interview!
π︎ 5
π
︎ Jul 27 2020
While eating Thai food, my daughter asked βWhere is Thailand?β
I said right between winner-land and loser-land
π︎ 119
π
︎ Dec 06 2020
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