My friend keeps saying "cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water."
Pork factories keep calling me and I keep hanging up on them.
I keep forgetting that Tom Petty passed away and it makes me sad
He don’t come around here no more
The name for the drawer where I keep my underwear?
Why can't a lactose intolerant dyslexic man keep a diary?
Where does a Knights templar keep his valuables?
How do you keep a bull from charging?
Take away its credit card.
Where should you keep your books about bees?
How do you keep an idiot in suspense?
How?
Well...
Are you going to tell me?
Why are you walking away without telling me?
Forget it. I didn’t want to know anyway...
Give man a match and you'll keep him warm for a minute.
Set man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
You know where I keep all my dad jokes?
My son keeps all his boogers in a journal. He's up to 143.
I told him "One more and it'll be truly gross"
If you keep shouting you might get a pony.
You might get a little hoarse.
The furniture store keeps calling me.
But I only wanted one nightstand
I keep making covid jokes.
I always wanted to keep my wisdom teeth but I just went to the dentist and it looks like they're gonna have to be removed
To be honest this is pretty demolarizing
My dad keeps talking about his new unmanned aerial vehicle.
He won't stop droning on about it.
What do crocodiles wear to keep their legs dry in the water?
Touring stand-ups keep getting covid.
I guess laughter isn’t the best medicine.
Where did the nut keep his money?
A man goes into a pet store to buy a puppy to keep his horses company in their stable.
"What's the best breed for horses like those you'd see in the old west movies," he asks the owner, "my mares are just like that." The owner thinks for a minute, then replies "Dachshund."
The man is surprised, and replies "are you sure about that? I was picturing something bigger that wouldn't get trampled on." The owner nods, and says "Yup, it's just like the movies - if you want your horses to behave, you get a long little doggie."
My friends keep trying to convince me to let a 2,000 elephant sit on me.
Keep cows well hydrated
Otherwise, they turn into real jerkies.
Being stuck at home during lockdown, I keep having these nightmares that my house is made of celery.
Doctors are calling it the stalk home syndrome.
How did people in the ancient world keep track of how many people they made out with?
My friend said that it is bad to keep shit in me too long
All i said was that i don't give a shit
I told my doctor I keep dreaming I've turned into a wigwam or a teepee.
He said, "You're too tense".
How does Santa keep his library organized?
How do you keep water in a hole in the ground until you need it?
I keep forgetting the guitar tabs to that one Sublime song...
I guess you could say I dont practice Santeria.
The impala was struggling to keep up with the rest of the herd.
She refused to pick up her pace because she was anti-lope.
How does the Earth keep itself clean ?
Where does Santa keep his coat?
Where’s the best place to keep your underwear?
My company keeps asking me to sign up for a 401k.
There's no way I could run that far.
People keep saying Trump had planned a coup but...
I considered him more of a sedan-guy with a chauffeur.
People keep asking me what's the difference between Ignorance and Apathy
I don't know, and I don't care.
Oh damn guess I get to keep my tip
Be careful: if you keep making these terrible puns...
...you could get be charged with 'assault with a dad-ly weapon'.
Eyelashes are supposed to keep things from getting into your eyes, but when I do have something in my eye it's almost always an eyelash...
Why does my motorcycle keep falling asleep?
I don't keep grudges. My dad kept grudges....
Where did Noah keep his bees?
Some guy on a tractor keeps driving past my house shouting, “THE END IS NIGH!!! THE END IS NIGH!!!”
It might be farmer Geddon.
What do you call an Irish man who keeps on bumping off things ?
People keep telling me to use my energy well...
Does anyone know where I can get a mana pool?
A furniture store keeps calling me.
All i wanted was one night stand.
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