Pork factories keep calling me and I keep hanging up on them.
My friends keep trying to convince me to let a 2,000 elephant sit on me.
What do you call an Irish man who keeps on bumping off things ?
Some guy on a tractor keeps driving past my house shouting, “THE END IS NIGH!!! THE END IS NIGH!!!”
It might be farmer Geddon.
There is a German shepherd next door that keeps burying bones in my yard, and taking poops on my flower bed.
I cut lumber for a living, but I keep sleeping on the job.
As you can tell, I'm a slumberjack.
My daughter keeps putting my golf visors on all of her stuffed animals
She told me they call her the queen advisor
I'm going to be working on my next dadjoke over the next few days. In the meantime, I'll keep u posted.
Apparently that new tropical storm is really hard to track. I keep seeing on the news TROPICAL STORM ETA
but they never say when it’ll hit.
Pope decides on new measures to keep Cardinals on their toes.
He raised the Vatican urinals by 4 inches.
A friend of mine always carries around a scale with him no matter where he goes. Anytime he meets a new person named William he throws them right on the scale. So one day I finally asked, "why do you keep doing this?" He replied.
"because where there's a Will there's a weigh."
My sister asked me to keep my nephew from playing games on his tablet all night. I suggested he builds a fort with his cousin.
He instantly replied, “but mom said I couldn’t play Fort Night”
(He’s gonna be a great dad some day)
My cousin tries to keep posting jokes on this sub, but gets repeatedly banned by the mods.
He’s my cousin, twice [removed].
For a temp job I had to conduct surveys on the street and often times people would reluctantly comply disclaiming to "Keep it short please!"
So my question was: What do you know about dwarves?
I keep trying to place a can on a slope
I just cant see why it won't stay still
My wife asked how I keep track of all my dadjokes from Reddit. I told her that I write the ones I like on little yellow...
An architect friend of mine keeps going on and on and on about how he has designed the greatest skyscraper of all time.
But I think he's built it up too much.
How many animals did the king keep on the top of his tower?
So I keep asking people “What do you get when you reverse the word “on?””
Everyone keeps telling me no.
My wife keeps on having disturbed dreams, shouting things like “Hobbit!”, “Mordor!”, and “Gandalf!”...
Always Tolkien in her sleep...
Just got the Father-in-law with this one... Me: At Disney World parades they keep people in line with masking tape on the ground.
Father-in-Law: And do people actually adhere to it?
Me: No, cuz they put it sticky side down.
I have a large pimple on my face. I keep complaining about how much it hurts, and my girlfriend keeps telling me it's because it isn't a pimple it is a cyst.
I told her "okay, if you incyst"
People ask me why I keep tabs on people I just met.
Well, how else are supposed to pay for their drinks?
My friends keep unfollowing me on Snapchat and I don’t know why
Every time I lie down on my new bed, all the embarrassing moments from my high school keep flooding back to me.
I shouldn’t have bought the repressed memory foam mattress.
How do they keep astronauts warm on the International Space Station?
My dad keeps on buying ladders
I keep getting funny looks when i insist on playing the first level in spanish.
Nobody expects the spanish intro mission
Better keep an eye on him
Scientist are shocked after discovery of a new african bee species that can keep on flying even after their heart stops.
Local tribes in fear of a zombee apocalypse
I like to keep a photo of the Sun on my phone. When people ask me if I have any kids, I start telling 'em about my son and how bright he is. I then pull out the phone to show them the photo.
Haven’t seen this on here yet, so to to keep the Elsa theme going...Why don’t you give Elsa a balloon?
Because she’ll let it go.
I keep telling this girl who works on a farm to get over the loss of her favorite cow.
But she couldn't put it pasture.
Somebody in my family keeps putting glue on my weapons. They all keep denying it.
But I'm sticking to my guns.
My son keeps chewing on the live electric wires...as a parent, I handled it...
I told him he’s grounded.
Did you know that dogs keep track of how many times you've stepped on their tails?
Do you know why the U.S. Navy always keeps at least two canaries on board each of their submarines?
Because everyone knows that if you have a big sub you also need a good set of tweeters.
I hope my friends know that for every horrible pun I inflict on them there's a minimum of 8 I decided to keep to myself.
They should be greightful.
My wife keeps on having disturbed dreams, shouting things like “Hobbit!”, “Mordor!”, and “Gandalf!”...
Always Tolkien in her sleep...
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