Pork factories keep calling me and I keep hanging up on them.

Nothing but spam.

πŸ‘︎ 34
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kylejay915
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2021
🚨︎ report
My friends keep trying to convince me to let a 2,000 elephant sit on me.

It's a ton of pressure.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hero_of_Thyme81
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2021
🚨︎ report
What do you call an Irish man who keeps on bumping off things ?

Rick O'Shea.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2021
🚨︎ report
Some guy on a tractor keeps driving past my house shouting, β€œTHE END IS NIGH!!! THE END IS NIGH!!!”

It might be farmer Geddon.

πŸ‘︎ 183
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πŸ‘€︎ u/andersonfmly
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2020
🚨︎ report
There is a German shepherd next door that keeps burying bones in my yard, and taking poops on my flower bed.

His dog is not as bad.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2020
🚨︎ report
I cut lumber for a living, but I keep sleeping on the job.

As you can tell, I'm a slumberjack.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SegavsCapcom
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2020
🚨︎ report
My daughter keeps putting my golf visors on all of her stuffed animals

She told me they call her the queen advisor

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πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2020
🚨︎ report
I'm going to be working on my next dadjoke over the next few days. In the meantime, I'll keep u posted.

u

πŸ‘︎ 126
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KW-DadJoker
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2020
🚨︎ report
Apparently that new tropical storm is really hard to track. I keep seeing on the news TROPICAL STORM ETA

but they never say when it’ll hit.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/holm12345
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2020
🚨︎ report
Pope decides on new measures to keep Cardinals on their toes.

He raised the Vatican urinals by 4 inches.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rocknocker
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2020
🚨︎ report
A friend of mine always carries around a scale with him no matter where he goes. Anytime he meets a new person named William he throws them right on the scale. So one day I finally asked, "why do you keep doing this?" He replied.

"because where there's a Will there's a weigh."

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DanGlerrBOY89
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2020
🚨︎ report
My sister asked me to keep my nephew from playing games on his tablet all night. I suggested he builds a fort with his cousin.

He instantly replied, β€œbut mom said I couldn’t play Fort Night”

(He’s gonna be a great dad some day)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cbt711
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2020
🚨︎ report
My cousin tries to keep posting jokes on this sub, but gets repeatedly banned by the mods.

He’s my cousin, twice [removed].

πŸ‘︎ 547
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2020
🚨︎ report
For a temp job I had to conduct surveys on the street and often times people would reluctantly comply disclaiming to "Keep it short please!"

So my question was: What do you know about dwarves?

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Str41nGR
πŸ“…︎ Sep 27 2020
🚨︎ report
I keep trying to place a can on a slope

I just cant see why it won't stay still

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nuthathoway
πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife asked how I keep track of all my dadjokes from Reddit. I told her that I write the ones I like on little yellow...

... Re Post-it Notes.

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KW-DadJoker
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2020
🚨︎ report
An architect friend of mine keeps going on and on and on about how he has designed the greatest skyscraper of all time.

But I think he's built it up too much.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/EastlyGod1
πŸ“…︎ Jul 14 2020
🚨︎ report
How many animals did the king keep on the top of his tower?

A parapets!

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sir_Pluses
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2020
🚨︎ report
I was reading a history book, and apparently in the middle east there were hundreds of years where nocturnal predator birds used to fly around and ejaculate all over the place. The Arabic people would keep each other up to date on the latest attacks; and so marked the beginning of...

The Owl Jizz Era News.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nutsacktetherball
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22 2020
🚨︎ report
So I keep asking people β€œWhat do you get when you reverse the word β€œon?””

Everyone keeps telling me no.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jlionbad
πŸ“…︎ Mar 28 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife keeps on having disturbed dreams, shouting things like β€œHobbit!”, β€œMordor!”, and β€œGandalf!”...

Always Tolkien in her sleep...

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/articElite0
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2020
🚨︎ report
Just got the Father-in-law with this one... Me: At Disney World parades they keep people in line with masking tape on the ground.

Father-in-Law: And do people actually adhere to it? Me: No, cuz they put it sticky side down.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/1kings2214
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2020
🚨︎ report
I have a large pimple on my face. I keep complaining about how much it hurts, and my girlfriend keeps telling me it's because it isn't a pimple it is a cyst.

I told her "okay, if you incyst"

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2019
🚨︎ report
People ask me why I keep tabs on people I just met.

Well, how else are supposed to pay for their drinks?

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/coolpink12
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2020
🚨︎ report
An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician. He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink and walks to the politician...

"Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think you are American spy."

The spy is alarmed, but being a skilled, trained, spy, he says, "That is not true! I am the proudest Soviet there is! I can sing the anthem more beautifully than any other man in the country!"

He then proceeds to sing the Soviet anthem, so melodically and beautifully, that everybody in the bar cheers.

"Very good, very good!" says the politician. "But I still think you are spy."

The man continues to keep his cool.

"I am a historian! I can tell you everything about this glorious country!"

He then spends about two hours recounting the Revolution, the Great Patriotic War, about how superior to the Russia is in terms of technology compared to America and makes a great argument about how communism is beneficial to society.

"Amazing! You are skilled!" says the politician.

The spy smirks.

"But I still think you American spy."

The spy is getting frustrated, but still unfazed.

He replies, "I am good drinker, a true Russian! Let us drink, and see who can come out top!"

The bar turns its attention to the politician and the spy, who are now in a drinking contest.

The bartender serves drink after drink of vodka.

After about an hour of drinking, the politician nearly passes out, unable to hold as much liquor as the spy, to a resounding cheer amongst the bar.

In the midst of the cheering, the Russian politician gets up, smiling, and in a slurred speech, repeats, "You are good, you are good... but I still think you are spy."

The American spy, piss drunk, loses his skill and gives up.

"Okay, you got me. I am an American. But what made you think that way, after all this time?"

The Russian politician replies, "There aren't many black people in Russia."

πŸ‘︎ 90
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2019
🚨︎ report
My friends keep unfollowing me on Snapchat and I don’t know why
πŸ‘︎ 338
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πŸ‘€︎ u/phoeniks26
πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2018
🚨︎ report
Every time I lie down on my new bed, all the embarrassing moments from my high school keep flooding back to me.

I shouldn’t have bought the repressed memory foam mattress.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2019
🚨︎ report
How do they keep astronauts warm on the International Space Station?

Space heaters

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SlaterTech
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2019
🚨︎ report
My dad keeps on buying ladders

Just to get high

πŸ‘︎ 79
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ellisgp
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2019
🚨︎ report
I keep getting funny looks when i insist on playing the first level in spanish.

Nobody expects the spanish intro mission

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/flowt
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2019
🚨︎ report
Better keep an eye on him
πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sad-puppet
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2019
🚨︎ report
Scientist are shocked after discovery of a new african bee species that can keep on flying even after their heart stops.

Local tribes in fear of a zombee apocalypse

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MeDandas
πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2019
🚨︎ report
I like to keep a photo of the Sun on my phone. When people ask me if I have any kids, I start telling 'em about my son and how bright he is. I then pull out the phone to show them the photo.
πŸ‘︎ 220
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TimothyHalpern
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2018
🚨︎ report
Haven’t seen this on here yet, so to to keep the Elsa theme going...Why don’t you give Elsa a balloon?

Because she’ll let it go.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/aquariumsarecool
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2019
🚨︎ report
I keep telling this girl who works on a farm to get over the loss of her favorite cow.

But she couldn't put it pasture.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AnimuTrappu
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2019
🚨︎ report
Somebody in my family keeps putting glue on my weapons. They all keep denying it.

But I'm sticking to my guns.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Angry_Daniel
πŸ“…︎ Aug 12 2019
🚨︎ report
My son keeps chewing on the live electric wires...as a parent, I handled it...

I told him he’s grounded.

πŸ‘︎ 203
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BalenTheWeeb
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2018
🚨︎ report
Did you know that dogs keep track of how many times you've stepped on their tails?

It's your Yelp score

πŸ‘︎ 81
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πŸ‘€︎ u/all-the-puppies
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2018
🚨︎ report
Do you know why the U.S. Navy always keeps at least two canaries on board each of their submarines?

Because everyone knows that if you have a big sub you also need a good set of tweeters.

πŸ‘︎ 67
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πŸ‘€︎ u/moniker5000
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2019
🚨︎ report
I hope my friends know that for every horrible pun I inflict on them there's a minimum of 8 I decided to keep to myself.

They should be greightful.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/blackcatjazz
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife keeps on having disturbed dreams, shouting things like β€œHobbit!”, β€œMordor!”, and β€œGandalf!”...

Always Tolkien in her sleep...

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/articElite0
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2020
🚨︎ report

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