Miss Lead!
..Y'know, because Lead is Pb on the periodic table..? All of my friends (okay fine, all one of my friends) just stared at me when I told him.. Thought you folks might appreciate it a little more...
HA
Thanks.
We called her Auntie Up.
But I said I Kant.
But now I stand corrected.
Girlfriend: βbabe, Iβm pregnantβ
Me trying to not lose it: βHi, pregnant, Iβm dadβ
I think itβs Stuck-home Syndrome
I said, they absolutely have space- heβs only 20 inches and 6 lbs. [holding my hands up showing how small he is].
... as they say, it takes a pillage to raise a child.
Little did those countries know, the US had a Trump card.
Theyβre replacing plastic water bottles with a Canada water.
I said IDK as well.
Afterwards, I felt differently.
Because then it would be "darc"
Re-roofing complete.
*Edit: reworded punchline. I think it might be better said "replacing my shingles" but I cannot for the life of me edit that part...
*ahem* without hacking.
6 couldn't believe it. 7 had finally gone off the deep end. 7 had long offended 6. A repeat 6 offender if you will. But this was unforgivable. 9 was his best friend. How could he do this to his best friend? How could it be that 7 ate 9?
6, filled with fury, called his friends 2 and 4. They would get even. 10 was the best friend of 7 you see. 2, 4 and 6 ate 10 to get even. They then began plotting further revenge, but 7 acted first. He gathered 1, 3 and 5 together to take down 6.
Realizing that the odds were against them, 2, 4 and 6 retreated. Their only option was to turn to 12 who had twice the resources 6 had. 7 couldn't follow.
12 quickly called 3 to find out what the root of 7's attack on 9. 3 wasn't sure. He had only supported 7 because of a long standing friendship. But 3 promised to get to the root cause.
Meanwhile, 7's scheming was not yet done. 12 was powerful, but there was one who could reverse his decision to harbor 6. If he could just convince 21, nicknamed blackjack, to reverse 12's decision, it would all be over.
Three times 7 went to 21's compound. On the third try he was able to get through. After explaining that 6 had masterminded the elimination of 10, a grand meeting of the numbers was called.
Both 6 and 7 argued over the whole thing. 13 had the unlucky task of adjudicating the meeting. Each time 13 made an argument, 6 and 7 would add to it by shouting over each other.
Finally, 21 had had enough. "7, why did you eat 9"
7 responded "I just wanted to get 3 square meals." 21 had 7 eliminated for initiating the battle and 6 jailed for masterminding 10's death. And the war was over.
I made some progress initially, but lately it just feels like I'm going backwards
Dad hat tip to u/xcammanx
I'll call it diffiCULT
In a statement released by doctors, it has been revealed that his palms were sweaty, knees weak and arms were heavy.. He presented with vomit on his sweater already.. Initial testing has revealed it was mums spaghetti
.......His condition is now known to be 'Stable'
She had a change of heart.
"It's a work in progress."
But it's growing on me.
But then it grew on me.
Because they are used to being spaced out.
Him: take off your clothes Me: What if I don't? Him: then I'll take off your clothes Me: why are you wearing my clothes?
She got back Up again.
In 1,000 years, snails will evolve into being an advanced civilization. They will develop their own advanced technologies. In an effort to increase their mobility, they will equip their shells to be modular vehicles called Snail Cars, S-Car for short. Since snails do not have upper extremities, controlling the cars will be voice activated. The initiation command would be, "S-Car, GO!" ππ€£
Initiative
After failing to win for about 9 times in a row, Jaime, hired a spy who will go and check Jack's harvest the night before the contest so he can harvest more. As the spy came back the night before, he informed the farmer Jaime about the amount that he saw inside Jack's yard but he was not able to tell the amount in exact. Jaime took the spy to his paddy field, gave him some extra money than what they initially agreed upon and said...
"You reap what you saw".
It watched the news and became convinced it had contracted the coronavirus from it's intended inhabitant, a Chinese woman from Wuhan who had died of the disease.
The casket went to the emergency room at the nearest hospital.
After overcoming her initial shock at diagnosing a casket, the ER doctor ran a blood test and determined the casket definitely did not have the coronavirus.
"But I feel like I'm dying doctor, and I only just came to life. If it isn't the coronavirus what is it?" worriedly asked the casket.
"I'm not sure," answered the doctor, "we'll have to run some more tests."
"But my fever, the pain in my lungs...what could it be? Doctor if you had to give me your best diagnosis right now without the tests, what do you think could be causing these terrible respiratory symptoms?"
The doctor thought for a moment then answered, "SARS cough I guess."
Urine.
A calculus professor explains an example problem to her class.
"To do this, you need to find the initial position of the object."
A confused student asks, "y?"
"yβ," says the professor.
So he goes online to find someone to fix his fence for him but he is unsatisfied with their prices, that is until he finds a Buddhist monk who will do it for free.
He is initially surprised by this and assumes it might be a fake listing, but since it's free he feels like he has nothing to lose so he hires him.
Sure enough a few days later the monk shows up with a toolkit in hand, the man shows the monk that his fence has been ripped out of the ground and that he needs to replace it.
About an hour later the monk walks in and tells the man he is finished, and when the man goes outside he sees that the fence is perfect, thinking he can't just tell the monk to leave after doing such a great job for free he invites the monk inside for a cup of coffee.
The man then starts talking to the monk, "It surprised me to see a monk offering services for fence repair, why do you do it?" he asked.
The monk replied "religious reasons."
The man then says "I don't know much about Buddhism, but why do you need to repair fences?"
"Because" the monk replied, "You would be surprised at the amount of karma you get for reposting."
Only his closest family was at the funeral but they live streamed it on Zoom. Some degenerate hacked the feed and starting playing the hokey pokey audio and he kept putting his left foot in and out of the coffin. His family was initially horrified at the hack but later was able to laugh a little, out of the sheer ridiculousness of the situation. They learned to live in the moment and remember the good moments of life, and thatβs what itβs all about.
clap clap
Our wedding is next weekend, and we are giving out personalized dice as our favours. We thought "thank you for coming" was a little too bland, and we'd like to spice it up with a dice pun. Any pun suggestions that also tie into the cutesy wedding/romantic setting? So far I've found "we make a great pair" and a lot of puns around the word "dicey", but I'm hoping you fine folks can help us out.
Edit: We are huge gamers which is why we went with the dice. This isn't a Vegas wedding or anything similar, so jackpot related jokes aren't quite what we're looking for. :)
I didnβt like it initially, but now itβs starting to grow on me
Spoonerism: a verbal error in which a speaker accidentally transposes the initial sounds or letters of two or more words, often to humorous effect.
