Ive invented a product that increases the size of your basement...
I hope it is a big cellar.
Have you heard about the population increase in Ireland?
Yeah, they say it’s Dublin.
Chinese synthesize new element which causes a 500% increase rate of panda mating
I was hired to represent the hard outer layers of cereal grain in a positive light and by doing so help to increase awareness and sales.
Taylor Swift could further increase her revenue by opening an express alterations shop
and calling it Tailor Swift
A local baker decided he could increase production and profits by putting bread in the oven for half the usual time.
His half-baked scheme didn't work out the way he had planned.
What's the best way to increase the size of your bank balance?
Look at it through a magnifying glass.
I have a invention! It's a small edible device that would freshen your breath while simultaneously releasing a subtle and soothing A-chord. You would use the device (with the fresh breath and soothing sound) to help increase the effectiveness of apologies.
I call it:
THE A-TONE-MINT!!!!!
When baby delights, and pitch of voice increases
In an announcement to coincide with International Women's Day, the Church of England has announced a drive to increase the number of female vicars...
They want to decrease the gender pray gap
Did you know that having a household cat increases your chances of being killed by a cat?
The increase of bad parents has directly influenced the increase in gays.
Parents don't tell their kids to straighten up anymore.
Studies show that telling Dad Jokes increases fertility.
I mean... it's conceivable.
With the increasing cases of Covid in America, I was worried there would be a shortage of paper towels.
But I found the grocery story to be Bounty full.
Women should not have babies after 40.
Studies show habitual marijuana smokers have increased saliva production
When asked if there was any prevention, scientists stated you can either spit or get off the pot.
Lines for urinals have become an increasing problem in containing the coronavirus.
So mind your pees in queues.
Lately, I’ve grown increasingly apathetic towards eating vegetables
Some days, I just don’t carrot all
With everyone in lockdown, cases of Stuckhome syndrome are significantly increasing.
I was watching a series of increasingly funny cow videos, and even though CowVid#18 was hilarious...
...I just couldn't bring myself to watch the next one. I just had this vague sense that something bad was going to happen.
Did you know that flight simulator game sales have increased since the outbreak?
A lot of pilots are working from home too!
Toilet paper companies have decided against increasing production to meet current demands.
They said it would make business plunge.
Lately my wife has become increasingly frustrated with the amount of geriatric patients she’s been seeing...
Why doesn’t the guy like to wear a mask?
He said it lowers his maskulinity.
Once upon a time in numberland, the numbers 3 and 5 were jealous of the number 2.
2 was enjoying a special position in the sequence of numbers. It was the only even prime number. All the other even numbers existed only because 2 existed. Heck, even computers ran on base-2.
As a result, 2 looked down upon all the other numbers, but no one could do anything about it.
3 and 5 conspired against 2 and decided they needed to do something so that it lost its powers. They kidnapped 2, and through magic divided 2’s powers equally among themselves. 2 ceased to exist. 3 and 5 both increased by 1.
Looking at 2’s dead body, they said, “Now we are even.”
In the future...
In 1,000 years, snails will evolve into being an advanced civilization. They will develop their own advanced technologies. In an effort to increase their mobility, they will equip their shells to be modular vehicles called Snail Cars, S-Car for short. Since snails do not have upper extremities, controlling the cars will be voice activated. The initiation command would be, "S-Car, GO!" 😂🤣
Job Interview for Later
Job Interviewer: "At the start you'll be earning $17,000; later that will increase to $21,000"
Me: "Ok, I'll come back later."
There’s a recent report that counterfeit $1 bills have increased in circulation.
Be on the lookout for hot singles in your area.
Did you guys hear about Trump wanting to inject disinfectant?
It'll lead to an increase in the Dettol.
Here is a series of increasingly terrible math puns.
What kind of math do birds use?
Owl-gebra
What kind of math does a farmer use?
Cow-culus
What kind of math should you avoid if you have carpal tunnel?
A-wrist-metic
Which mathematical process would you use to find the total amount of chinaware you have?
Ad-dish-on
Which mathematical process would be most commonly found in a 1950's style diner?
Malt-iplication
If one runner on team injured her leg, how would you find out how many can still run?
Sub-track-tion
I wasn't sure about increasing my bandwidth
But I think it was net gain
Why do partcles get exited when we heat something up?
Because it's volume increases
What happens if the average number of bullies at a school goes up?
What happens when this post gets updooted
There's an increase in enslaved 1's and 0's
thanks to u/Dietcokeisgod for helping
What's more effective than a heat-seeking missile?
A new study finds fish are increasingly weight conscious.
Scientists hypothesize this is because they're always surrounded by scales.
Prime numbers and stoners have a lot in common.
The higher they are, the more spaced out they become.
Bus drivers keep increasing the rate on a local route
I guess they're taking me for a ride
My husband suggested we get a repeater to improve our router signal...
Me: A what?
Him: A repeater.
Me: dramatic eyebrow wiggling with shit eating grin
Him: Oh my god.
Have you heard about the recent Irish population increase?
What happens when the average bullies in a school goes up.
What happens if the average number of bullies at a school goes up?
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