Ive invented a product that increases the size of your basement...
I hope it is a big cellar.
ποΈ 22
π
οΈ Nov 06 2020
Have you heard about the population increase in Ireland?
Yeah, they say itβs Dublin.
ποΈ 22
π
οΈ Aug 15 2020
Chinese synthesize new element which causes a 500% increase rate of panda mating
ποΈ 3
π
οΈ Jul 13 2020
I was hired to represent the hard outer layers of cereal grain in a positive light and by doing so help to increase awareness and sales.
ποΈ 2
π
οΈ May 16 2020
Taylor Swift could further increase her revenue by opening an express alterations shop
and calling it Tailor Swift
ποΈ 3
π
οΈ Oct 25 2019
A local baker decided he could increase production and profits by putting bread in the oven for half the usual time.
His half-baked scheme didn't work out the way he had planned.
ποΈ 193
π
οΈ Sep 17 2017
What's the best way to increase the size of your bank balance?
Look at it through a magnifying glass.
ποΈ 6
π
οΈ May 10 2019
I have a invention! It's a small edible device that would freshen your breath while simultaneously releasing a subtle and soothing A-chord. You would use the device (with the fresh breath and soothing sound) to help increase the effectiveness of apologies.
I call it:
THE A-TONE-MINT!!!!!
ποΈ 102
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οΈ May 09 2016
When baby delights, and pitch of voice increases
ποΈ 40
π
οΈ Sep 18 2017
In an announcement to coincide with International Women's Day, the Church of England has announced a drive to increase the number of female vicars...
They want to decrease the gender pray gap
ποΈ 3
π
οΈ Mar 08 2019
Did you know that having a household cat increases your chances of being killed by a cat?
ποΈ 6
π
οΈ Jan 07 2019
The increase of bad parents has directly influenced the increase in gays.
Parents don't tell their kids to straighten up anymore.
ποΈ 97
π
οΈ Oct 05 2016
Studies show that telling Dad Jokes increases fertility.
I mean... it's conceivable.
ποΈ 11
π
οΈ Mar 06 2018
With the increasing cases of Covid in America, I was worried there would be a shortage of paper towels.
But I found the grocery story to be Bounty full.
ποΈ 9
π
οΈ Oct 17 2020
Women should not have babies after 40.
ποΈ 356
π
οΈ Nov 14 2020
Studies show habitual marijuana smokers have increased saliva production
When asked if there was any prevention, scientists stated you can either spit or get off the pot.
ποΈ 17
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οΈ Jul 26 2020
Lines for urinals have become an increasing problem in containing the coronavirus.
So mind your pees in queues.
ποΈ 18
π
οΈ Jul 12 2020
Lately, Iβve grown increasingly apathetic towards eating vegetables
Some days, I just donβt carrot all
ποΈ 23
π
οΈ May 24 2020
With everyone in lockdown, cases of Stuckhome syndrome are significantly increasing.
ποΈ 7
π
οΈ Apr 21 2020
I was watching a series of increasingly funny cow videos, and even though CowVid#18 was hilarious...
...I just couldn't bring myself to watch the next one. I just had this vague sense that something bad was going to happen.
ποΈ 6
π
οΈ Jun 07 2020
Did you know that flight simulator game sales have increased since the outbreak?
A lot of pilots are working from home too!
ποΈ 5
π
οΈ May 26 2020
Toilet paper companies have decided against increasing production to meet current demands.
They said it would make business plunge.
ποΈ 8
π
οΈ Mar 27 2020
Increasing security
ποΈ 8
π
οΈ Aug 02 2019
Lately my wife has become increasingly frustrated with the amount of geriatric patients sheβs been seeing...
ποΈ 6
π
οΈ Jan 17 2020
Why doesnβt the guy like to wear a mask?
He said it lowers his maskulinity.
ποΈ 7
π
οΈ Aug 12 2020
Once upon a time in numberland, the numbers 3 and 5 were jealous of the number 2.
2 was enjoying a special position in the sequence of numbers. It was the only even prime number. All the other even numbers existed only because 2 existed. Heck, even computers ran on base-2.
As a result, 2 looked down upon all the other numbers, but no one could do anything about it.
3 and 5 conspired against 2 and decided they needed to do something so that it lost its powers. They kidnapped 2, and through magic divided 2βs powers equally among themselves. 2 ceased to exist. 3 and 5 both increased by 1.
Looking at 2βs dead body, they said, βNow we are even.β
ποΈ 6
π
οΈ Sep 16 2020
In the future...
In 1,000 years, snails will evolve into being an advanced civilization. They will develop their own advanced technologies. In an effort to increase their mobility, they will equip their shells to be modular vehicles called Snail Cars, S-Car for short. Since snails do not have upper extremities, controlling the cars will be voice activated. The initiation command would be, "S-Car, GO!" ππ€£
ποΈ 19
π
οΈ Jul 15 2020
Job Interview for Later
Job Interviewer: "At the start you'll be earning $17,000; later that will increase to $21,000"
Me: "Ok, I'll come back later."
ποΈ 18
π
οΈ Jul 06 2020
Thereβs a recent report that counterfeit $1 bills have increased in circulation.
Be on the lookout for hot singles in your area.
ποΈ 3
π
οΈ May 26 2019
Did you guys hear about Trump wanting to inject disinfectant?
It'll lead to an increase in the Dettol.
ποΈ 11
π
οΈ Apr 25 2020
Here is a series of increasingly terrible math puns.
What kind of math do birds use?
Owl-gebra
What kind of math does a farmer use?
Cow-culus
What kind of math should you avoid if you have carpal tunnel?
A-wrist-metic
Which mathematical process would you use to find the total amount of chinaware you have?
Ad-dish-on
Which mathematical process would be most commonly found in a 1950's style diner?
Malt-iplication
If one runner on team injured her leg, how would you find out how many can still run?
Sub-track-tion
ποΈ 69
π
οΈ Apr 16 2015
I wasn't sure about increasing my bandwidth
But I think it was net gain
ποΈ 8
π
οΈ Sep 30 2018
Why do partcles get exited when we heat something up?
Because it's volume increases
ποΈ 6
π
οΈ Apr 04 2020
What happens if the average number of bullies at a school goes up?
ποΈ 11k
π
οΈ Sep 07 2018
What happens when this post gets updooted
There's an increase in enslaved 1's and 0's
thanks to u/Dietcokeisgod for helping
ποΈ 8
π
οΈ Dec 24 2019
What's more effective than a heat-seeking missile?
ποΈ 2k
π
οΈ Apr 17 2018
A new study finds fish are increasingly weight conscious.
Scientists hypothesize this is because they're always surrounded by scales.
ποΈ 8
π
οΈ Apr 06 2016
Prime numbers and stoners have a lot in common.
The higher they are, the more spaced out they become.
ποΈ 1k
π
οΈ Apr 16 2018
Bus drivers keep increasing the rate on a local route
I guess they're taking me for a ride
ποΈ 3
π
οΈ Dec 17 2016
My husband suggested we get a repeater to improve our router signal...
Me: A what?
Him: A repeater.
Me: dramatic eyebrow wiggling with shit eating grin
Him: Oh my god.
ποΈ 2k
π
οΈ Nov 12 2016
Have you heard about the recent Irish population increase?
ποΈ 22
π
οΈ Mar 17 2015
What happens when the average bullies in a school goes up.
ποΈ 24
π
οΈ Oct 08 2019
What happens if the average number of bullies at a school goes up?
ποΈ 6
π
οΈ Jan 23 2020
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