New dad here - Need advice from experienced dads in the group
How much no more tears shampoo do you have to rub in a baby's eyes before it stops crying?
Why do all soldiers in the military need to wear deodorant?
because they all have some type of rank
How much money do you need in your pocket to stop a bullet?
Last week I lost both my hands in a terrible accident at work. Now, I would have sworn there's some kind of procedure I need to follow to get disability insurance...
but I can't quite put my finger on it.
I need to apologize to everyone that wrote "Stay cool" in my high school yearbook.
I keep having hot flashes.
Wife: I want a divorce. You need to get your affairs in order.
Me: Alphabetically or by age?
If you’re ever in need of an Ark…
I decided I need less negatively in my life...
...so from now on I'll only measure temperatures in degrees Kelvin.
A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I need your help. I have a frog in my throat, a charley horse in my leg, and - and -"
The doctor looks at the man, calmly asks, "Cat got your tongue?"
The man can only nod in response.
Without missing a beat, the doctor tells the man, "Sir, you don't need a doctor; you need a vet."
When I need a friend to come eat in the forest with me...
My doctor said in order to lose weight, I need to move every day.
I’m getting tired of filling out all the change of address forms.
Pardon me but I live in France and am writing this by Google Translate. Thank my God for modern day technology. I am speaking French into my phone this moment and I get the English translation. Father, if you are reading this, I need to tell you about my true sexuality and why I have no girlfriend.
In need of a pun
We’re celebrating my brother in two weeks, and he loves dad jokes. He’s getting 2500-3000 kr (decent amount). My mother is making him a poster full of the puns he’s made, and really wants a pun using either the number 2500 or 3000, so if anyone has any good ones that’d be greatly appreciated
If these sorts of posts aren’t allowed, I’ll delete it
I need one of those things that makes holes in stuff.
In need of chair puns
My mom's fiance has so many different chairs in his house. She bought him a new chair for Christmas. Yet, somehow, the fact that he has a million chairs didn't strike either of them as an obvious thing. I'm gonna draw a comic poking fun at them about it about it and I need some chair puns for it.
Can y'all help out?
whenever i need a boost to my self esteem i go to the automatic teller in the store and
My wife told me I need to get more in touch with my feminine side...
So the car is completely totalled.
A duck waddles into the drug store and says, “Sorry, I don’t have my wallet today but I really need to buy a condom.” The pharmacist chuckles, “No problem, shall I just put it on your bill?” The duck exclaims quacks in surprise...
“Sir! What kind of a duck do you think I am?!”
Mercury told the Sun "Wow can you get any more closer? its still cold in here. I need more heat!"
Argon walks into a bar. The bartender says, "get lost; we don't need your element in this establishment."
"Honey, we really need to put a black hole in our living room!" She frowned at me and asked, "What are talking about?"
"It'll really pull the room together!"
We need less long jokes and more one liners in this sub
LPT: If you are caught in the wilderness without toilet paper, here’s what you need to do.
Take a leaf out of Bear Grylls’ book.
What do you need in order to make a small fortune on Wall Street?
If you can’t accept my constant need to point out the exit in every room I’m in…
If you're ever in a position where you need to tell the difference between a Crow and a Raven...
...then an easy trick is to count the pinion feathers on each of their wings. A Crow typically has one more feather when compared to a Raven.
That's right - it's just a matter of a pinion.
I'm trying to put M&M's in alphabetical order, and I need your help.
Should 3 go before E or after W?
Found in the wild. It doesn't even need a title
I need someone to repair the stone wall in the front of my house, but I don’t have a lot of money.
Incidentally, Free Masons are not what they sound like.
Just made this up on the ride into work (sorry in advance).... In order to get their degree, dermatologists need some:
They say I need to get in shape.
But I AM in shape- a circle.
If you are on a hike in Canada, you need to spot at least two grizzlies before calling the authorities.
When you're in a relationship, you don't need a secure channel to talk to your partner.
Communication is already encrypted.
We really need to work on gender equality in the post office's in this country
All of the ones I've been to seem to be mail dominated
What do you need for a healthy mouth in the Netherlands?
If you need something to confide in just talk to a field of corn
Bugs in the house need some adidas
Because I keep telling them Shoe Shoe.
My Dad and I were arguing on the phone about how I’m not careful and need to invest in a better home security system.
He told me how there’s been an increase in crime in our neighborhood and he was going to come over and tell me how poor my security system is.
I told him, “all right Dad, anytime, my door’s always open.”
I heard that by law you need to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden
How the hell am I supposed to know when it’s raining in Sweden?
We all need some octopuns in our life
I’m back in my hometown looking after my Dad who gets a little forgetful. I helped him with a transaction, and when we left the store he said ‘We need to go to a trophy shop, I need to get a trophy that says-Best Son Ever- “Aw Dad, you’re my trophy”
He looks at me and says ‘It’s for your brother!’
Edit: Today he said he has to get all the info for my brothers trophy… because my brother just had a son and my dad wants to get a commemorative ‘trophy’ for his grandson! D’oh! I’m supposed to be helping him with his confusion.
In light of all the unclejokes lately being fully accepted, I've realized we're out of milk, I need to go pick some up from the store.
Promise I'll be right back.
My wife told me I need to get in touch with my feminine side
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