House Plants Puns

It's a hostal takeover.

A fourest

I got hose, in different area codes.

I walk in the front door, and said, "Hey mom, hey dad- huh, it smells like rosemary in here."

Dad says "I wouldn't know what she smells like, i'm a married man."

It cuts itself.

Now I have something to give me a hand around the house.

I heard about a man who was obsessed with houseplants. His wife got to the point that she couldn't deal with them all over the house so she had him move all of his plants to the entryway. Now that the plants were consolidated it was much easier to move about the house, but he kept adding plants to their entryway until it was impossible to leave the house.

His wife finally had enough and tried to clear them out herself but they were all intertwined and she was unable to hack through the forest that now occupied their entryway. Desperate, she called a family friend, a forester with the National Park Service, who came and cleared out the veritable jungle while the man who had raised the plants looked on in dismay.

Just before leaving, the forester turned to the man and spoke sternly: "Only you can prevent forest foyers."

So my parents bought a new house, and they are in the process of moving in.

He wants to get some greenery for the front yard, so we're at Home Depot.

He's looking at something, I don't know what, and he makes the comment, "this is almost the exact same thing that we have at the old house, and I love it."

I ask him, "why didn't you like my idea of transplants from the old one to the new house, then?"

Deadpan he replies, "Jay, you know I don't care about a plants sexual orientation or gender."

Seriously, my father, ladies and gentlemen.

young cousin fascinatedly inspecting one of our house plants "Uncle Dad, what's this plant called?" "I think it's called a 'wandering Jew'". "Oh, is it dangerous?" "Yeah, they're not very gentile."

Last saturday, I was at my parents' house to watch the game. While my dad and I are watching, my mom is on her laptop looking at trees to plant in the back yard, and constantly asking my dad what he thinks about every species of tree she comes across. Suddenly, my mom's phone receives several text messages, emails, and app notifications simultaneously. My dad looks at her and says, "Well, aren't you Poplar today? Leaf me alone and go check your phone." I laughed my ass off, as did he. She was not amused.

So my mum mentioned that a few light bulbs had blown in the house. She then asked if my dad would pick up some bulbs next time he was out. His reply... " It's a bit early for bulbs... I think March is when you want to plant them..." Just wow, dad.

Its been exceptionally windy today, so windy that it blew over one of our plant pots and broke it. The local news channel was discussing it. Then my mom quipped "Why aren't they in front of our house? We have breaking news right here!"

My brother was talking about planting new plants at his house.

Him: I just want ones that don't leaf.

Me: Maybe if you treated your plants better they wouldn't leaf.

Blank stare