Have Lunch Puns

Well it’s not a law it’s a mandate

Because it really sticks to your ribs.

A Zuckerburger

But a plant always has a light lunch.

Tie food

Carne asawdust

Human beans, fried legs and eyes cream!

It took him 20 minutes to pass the salt though.

Fission Chips

Quackdonalds!

Kentucky Freud Chicken.

The Air Force General says to the others, "I am proud to lead some of the bravest Airmen in the world. Watch this." He looks out the window and sees a passing Airman. "Hey, Airman!" he shouts, "see that shed? Inside is a nest of rattlesnakes. I want you to kill one for me!"

"Yes, sir!" the Airman shouts and runs off to get a long pole. Using the pole, he beats a rattlesnake to death and pulls it out. "See?" the Air Force General says, "bravery."

"Hah, that's nothing!" says the Marine General, "watch this. Hey, Marine!" he yells out the window at a passing Marine, "see that shed? Inside is a nest of rattlesnakes. Kill 2 of them for me!"

"Aye, sir!" yells the Marine and he charges in, grabbing 2 rattlesnakes and strangling them to death with his bare hands. "See?" the Marine General says, "bravery."

"Hah, that's nothing!" says the Army General, "watch this. Hey, Soldier!" he yells out the window at a passing Soldier, "see that shed? Inside is a nest of rattlesnakes. Kill 3 of them for me!"

"Fuck no, sir! I'm not doing that shit!" yells the Soldier. "See?" the Army General says, "bravery."

She looked confused when I presented her with a Red Stripe between two slices of bread.

"What the fuck is this?" she asked.

"Beer can sandwich"

I would pick someone alive.

Over the last couple of month I have become a victim to cleaver thieves while out shopping.

Here's how the scam works:

Two very good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car and offer you help unloading your bag. They both start bouncing around, their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T- shirts. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they'll say 'No' and instead they ask you for a lift to another store. If you agree, they both want to get in the back seat.

On the way to the next store, they start undressing, until both are completely naked. When you pull over to safely correct their actions, one of them climbs into the front seat and starts crawling all over your lap, kissing you, while the other one steals your wallet!

I had my wallet stolen on January 4th, 9th,10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th and 29th. Also on February 1st, 4th, 6th, 9th and 10th, March 1st and twice yesterday. Please warn all the older men you know to be on the lookout for this scam.

The best times seem to be just before lunch and about 5:30 in the evening. If you happen to get caught in this scam, be aware that you can get replacement wallets at the Dollar Store, but both west side Walmarts are completely out.

Daughter: So you're having a man date? Me: No, it's optional.

An older American couple visits Russia for the first time. They are a little concerned about the language barrier as neither speak Russian. Luckily they find a very friendly cab driver named Rudolph at the airport who speaks fluent English. He gives them his mobile number and says he'll be happy to drive them anywhere they need to go during their stay.

The next morning the wife calls Rudolph and asks if he can take them around to several of the sites. He agrees and warns her to bring an umbrella as it's going to rain today.

She tells her husband who promptly looks out the window and sees clear blue skies. He says the cab driver is just pulling her leg and refuses to bring an umbrella.

The cab picks them up in front of the hotel and they have a very nice morning seeing the sites. Just after lunch the sky starts to fill with dark clouds. The cabbie reminds them to take there umbrellas at the next stop as rain storms in Russia can be severe.

The wife turns to her husband and says .....

See, I told you! Rudolph the red knows rain dear.

... I'll see myself out now ...

"Thanks for having me!"

"No Dad, thanks for having me!"

If i had a mic, i would have dropped it and walked away.

Why? says my gf. "Because they're past e's". Mum laughed and gf groaned.

Dad to his son: "Did you see that really expensive football? (soccer) Son to Dad "Yeah! It's the world cup ball!" Dad to Son "Well what are they going to play with at the world cup then?!"

He laughed for a long time. So did I.

Two chemistry professors at my school hated each other. No one knows why the rivalry started, but it escalated from common pranks to elaborate traps using their knowledge of chemical reactions. After one particular prank resulted in the fire alarm being triggered, the dean had enough. He ordered the two to sit together in the lounge at lunch and spend their free periods in each other's classroom.

Over the school year, they began to get to know each other better and eventually became friends. They became god-parents to each other's children, attended their graduations, and even saw them married. After the two men retired, they continued to spend time together, they learned to make YouTube and TikTok videos about chemistry and even went golfing together. If they never hated each other enough to devise elaborate pranks, they never would have been forced to spend time together and eventually become friends connected by their love of chemistry.

It was an ironic bond.

I need your help folks!!

Anybody interested in a free ride in a helicopter flight for 4 people? I'm still looking for 2 more people to join us. We leave early Saturday (June 19th) from the Airport and will fly to Destin Fl, where we will have breakfast and then on a yacht for lunch. Then we’ll do a flight along the coast to see the sharks and dolphins,then returning to Joe's Crab shack, for dinner, then fly back home.

If interested please pm me.

Preferably someone with a helicopter and yacht, otherwise we can't go. Serious inquires only!! Thank you!!!

It's not well known that among the species of plants taken aboard Noah's Ark was a very odd berry. This berry had a special property where if you ate too few at once they would be sour, but if you ate too many at once they would be bitter. Even stranger was that the right number of berries to eat at once for perfect sweetness was different for each person.

Shem would never take enough berries and would complain every time "Ugh! These berries are so sour! Why did we bring these plants?" Noah would reply "I've told you over and over, you need to eat a couple more in a mouthful to make them sweet."

Ham would always take too many berries and would complain every time "Ick! These berries are so bitter! I'd like to toss the plants overboard." Noah would reply "I've told you over and over, you need to eat fewer in a mouthful to make them sweet."

Japeth would grab a random amount and whenever they were bitter or sour he'd complain "Why do these berries never taste the same? We should let the animals eat the plants so we don't have to eat the silly berries." Noah would reply "I've told you over and over, you should remember how many berries taste the best."

After a couple of weeks of this, Noah announced "I'm taking charge of portioning the berries. I've made notes of how many of them taste the best for me, my wife, all of you my sons, and your wives. At meals I'll give each of you the correct amount, and NO MORE COMPLAINTS!"

Another week passed and Japeth wanted some berries to take the edge off his hunger, but rather than wander all over the whole ark looking for his father he asked Emzara "Where's dad? I'd like some berries before lunch."

Emzara pointed to the storeroom and said "I thought you were tired of the berries? But there's Noah, counting for taste."

Not quite as tragic, but it manifested into something which has haunted me at my job for years.

When I was a little kid learning about the world around me, my dad was naturally the font of all knowledge for me, He would answer all of little snippersmith's questions with his own unique insights and anecdotes teaching me of my surroundings with varying degrees of accuracy.

One day In a picture book, I encountered a photo of one of natures most bizarre creatures, the mighty duck billed platypus. Filled with curiosity of this bizarre creature and an Inability to read a young snippersmith asked his father what this creature was called, To which his father replied,

That's a Quackopotamous.....

As is a highly likely situation in day to day life the Platypus (or indeed the Quackopotamous), did not come into conversation for another 17 years, Until of course the Platypus came into conversation around the lunch table at a now grown up snippersmith's full time place of work.

I have not been allowed to forget I thought the Platypus was called a Quackopotamous, Indeed I am reminded on a daily basis by my colleagues, by my nickname Quackopotamous .

Thanks Dad.

EDIT 1: Holy Cow this took off! Gold! thank you so much.

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn

Rowan Atkinson is travelling through mexico , decides to have lunch at a local restaurant. He orders a burrito . when full Rowan still has a little bit of food left on his plate , he takes his plate up to the waitress and says "that is the nicest burrito I've ever had, thank you" The waitress points at Tthe left over food and says " but you missed a bean"

So I'm having lunch with the family, and a girl walks in with a Google t shirt.

My dad leans in to me and whispers, "You should go ask that girl if she's 'searching' for you..."

Edit: told my dad about the turnout of this post during dinner and he told me he'd turn my Moto X phone into a Moto Ex phone if I kept using it during family meals. Looks like the fun never ends...

twice today he impressed me.

first were out for lunch and hes kicking me under the table. me: "stop dude, that hurts!" him: "not to me."

then were at a store where they were they currently have a reading incentive program "...read at least 8 of the following titles and receive a free book" him: "so, can i get my free book now?" me: "what? no." him: "but i read all the titles..."

i bought him a book for his efforts.

Having lunch and milkshakes with the family

Me: Dammit, I think there's a hole in the side of my straw.

Dad: You think that's bad?! Mine's got one at the top and one at the bottom

Groans all round

It seems we have Barbie queue for lunch again.

dad, to waiter* I can’t decide what to have. I’m pretty hungry but don’t want to spend a lot.

waiter Well, the chicken strips for $6...

dad I’m sure it does, but that doesn’t help me decide what to have for lunch.

She asked the pastor of a local church if he knew of any houses with rooms to rent that were close to town, but out in the country. The pastor kindly drove her out to see a house with a room to rent. She loved the house and decided to rent the room. Then, the lady returned to her home in England to make her final preparations to move to Switzerland.

When she arrived back home, the thought occurred to her that she had not seen a “W.C.” in the room or even down the hall. (A W.C. is short for “water closet” and is what the English call a toilet.) So she immediately emailed the pastor to ask him where the “W.C.” is located.

The Swiss pastor had never heard of a “W.C.,” and so he Googled the abbreviation and found an article titled “Wayside Chapels.” Thinking that the English lady was asking about a country church to attend near her new home, the pastor responded as follows:

Ms. Smith,

I look forward to your move. Regarding your question about the location of the W.C., the closest W.C. is situated only two miles from the room you have rented, in the center of a beautiful grove of pine trees. The W.C. has a maximum occupancy of 229 people, but not that many people usually go on weekdays. I suggest you plan to go on Thursday evenings when there is a sing-along. The acoustics are remarkable and the happy sounds of so many people echo throughout the W.C.

Sunday mornings are extremely crowded. The locals tend to arrive early and many bring their lunches to make a day of it. Those who arrive just in time can usually be squeezed into the W.C. before things start, but not always. Best to go early if you can!

It may interest you to know that my own daughter was married in the W.C. and it was there that she met her husband. I remember how everyone crowded in to sit close to the bride and groom. There were two people to a seat ordinarily occupied by one, but our friends and family were happy to share.  I will admit that my wife and I felt particularly relieved when it was over. We were truly wiped out.

Because of my responsibilities in town, I can’t go as often as I used to. In fact, I haven’t been in well over a year. I can tell you I really miss regularly going to the W.C. Let’s plan on going together for your first visit. I can reserve us seats where you will be seen by all.

Sincerely,

Pastor Kurt Meier

The dad splits up from the boys in the morning, leaving them the task of getting food for the day.

The boys chance upon a patch full of peas - they have enough for all three meals and to pelt each other with.

Reuniting at the end of the day, the dad asks how it went.

“We played with each other’s peas!” The little one chimes in.

Just a little displeased, dad asks him sternly to clarify.

“We gathered peas, he meant.” Added the middle boy.

“Okay, and what did you have for breakfast?”

“Pea soup.”

“Lunch?”

“Pea soup.”

The boys started sniggering.

“What’s so funny? And what about dinner?”

“Nothing dad. We had pea soup too.”

“Well, that doesn’t seem like much. What did you do all evening?”

Bursting out laughing, they all said:

“Pee soup.”

What would you get if you crossed a vampire and a teacher?

Lots of blood tests!

Why did Dracula’s mother give him cough medicine?

Because he was having a coffin fit.

Why did the vampire’s lunch give him heartburn?

It was a stake sandwich.

Dracula decided he needed a dog, which breed did he choose?

A bloodhound.

What is a vampire’s favorite holiday?

Fangsgiving.

What did the vampire say to the Invisible Man?

‘Long time, no see!’

Why is Dracula so unpopular?

Because he’s a pain in the neck!

http://bestcleanfunnyjokes.com/one-line-vampire-jokes-for-halloween/

His jeans were still tight. We were at lunch and he said, "you know what these jeans and a small hotel have in common? No ball room." I'm 33 with my first son on the way and my dad can still get me.