A Kung Fu student asks his teacher, "Master, why does my ability not improve? I'm always defeated." And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers, "My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun and their wings seeming like flames?"

"Yes, my master, I have."

"And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?"

"Yes, my master, I have witnessed it."

"And the moon, when it touches the calm water to reflect all its enormous beauty?"

"Yes, my master, I have also seen this marvelous phenomenon."

"That is the problem. You keep watching all this shit instead of training."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2021
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If the family that popularized gull-winged doors had a baby girl, and they wanted to name her in honor of Star Wars...

She could be Amanda Mandalorian DeLorean

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KairuSmairukon
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2020
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What do you call a French gull

legal

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πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2018
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Why do sea-gulls fly over the sea?

Because if they flew over the bay, they would be bagels!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JDogg_of_RS
πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2016
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My Bluetooth speaker wasn’t working so I threw it into the lake.

Now it’s syncing.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jigsatics
πŸ“…︎ May 11 2021
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What do you call a bird that has committed a crime?

An illegul.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mRmyster76
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2020
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While sailing across the ocean, the night watchman saw a dark shape in the distance. He called the First Mate, who also couldn't tell what it was. So he called the Captain. "I can't tell either," he said. "Fetch me an obstetrician."

The obstetrician came to the bridge, squinted into the night and said:

"Congratulations, Captain. It's a buoy!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thesmartass1
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2020
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A seabird stole my sausage.... It was a tern for the wurst.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/urlordcov
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2020
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What do you call a stupid seagull

Gull ible

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πŸ‘€︎ u/yoyocrazybones99
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2021
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Why do seagulls fly over the sea?

Because if they flew over the bay they'd be called bay gulls.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Trtlman
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2020
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What kind of bagel can fly?

A plane one

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SHIL_Elijah
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2018
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My friend the farmer traded his tractor for a flock of seabirds...

He's so gull-able!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2020
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What do you call a shorebird that believes everything you say?

I'm not sure, sea gull-ible in the dictionary.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/observer2017
πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2019
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Why don’t seagulls fly over the bay?

Because then they’d be bay-gulls!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2019
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One long ass pun

There was this scientist that discovered a way to keep porpoises alive forever. Problem was that he had to feed them baby sea gulls Well the sea gull was a protect species so he had to be careful. Well one night he was bringing some back to the lab. It was very dark and he ran over a lion that was sleeping in the middle of the road A cop sees all this and you know what he arrested him for ? Carrying underaged gurls across a staid lion for immortal porpoises

This is not original. I read it in a book of puns 40 years ago. I do not know which one I would like to give it credit but it was 40 years ago

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πŸ“…︎ Aug 12 2019
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124 dad jokes that will make you laugh and cringe

Dad, did you get a haircut? No I got them all cut.

What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car? Carlos.

Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don’t think they’ll fit me.

Can I watch the TV? Dad: Yes, but don’t turn it on.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.

β€œEvery time I hurt myself, even to this day, my dad says, β€˜The good news is..it’ll feel better when it quits hurting.'”

What’s brown and sticky? A stick.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.

β€œI’ll call you later!”- β€œPlease don’t do that. I’ve always asked you to call me Dad!”

Q: Why did the cookie cry? A: Because his father was a wafer so long!

What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff.

This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.

β€œMy dad literally told me this one last week: β€˜Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.’”

β€œWhenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, β€˜No, just leave it in the carton!’”

I got so angry the other day when I couldn’t find my stress ball.

If I had a dime for every book I’ve ever read, I’d say: β€œWow, that’s coincidental.”

I’m not indecisive. Unless you want me to be.

How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.

How does a penguin build it’s house? Igloos it together.

β€œMe: β€˜Dad, make me a sandwich!’ Dad: β€˜Poof, You’re a sandwich!’”

β€œI heard there was a new store called Moderation. They have everything there

A steak pun is a rare medium well done.

β€œHow can you tell if a ant is a boy or a girl? They’re all girls, otherwise they’d be uncles.”

Milk is also the fastest liquid on earth – its pasteurized before you even see it

β€œWhat’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1”

The only thing worse than having diarrhea is having to spell it.

I asked my friend to help me with a math problem. He said: β€œDon’t worry; this is a piece of cake.” I said: β€œNo, it’s a math problem.”

I keep trying to lose weight, but it keeps finding me.

I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I’m just doing it for kicks.

Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head.

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/weeb123xD
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2019
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What do you call a seagull from San Francisco?

A bay-gull.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/storkthe1st
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2019
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Boat names

Keeping up a-pier-ances

The Sturgeon-General

A fine piece of bass

All I really want is gulls

About a bouy

Gulls don't like bouys, gulls like cars and money

Bass and titties

Little ado a-trout nothing

Please keel free to add your own :)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DrToastNBake
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2018
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A long one

So, a few weeks ago, someone posted a pretty long dad joke. Here's mine--it's what my dad would call a "Shaggy dog story".

The dolphin trainers at the zoo were very upset because the dolphins were very ill and getting worse. An animal shaman told them that he could not only cure the dolphins, but make them live forever--all he needed were some young sea gulls. The trainers immediately set off to find some young sea gulls.

While looking for the gulls, a lion at the zoo escaped. The trainers didn't care--they had to save the dolphins. They found their gulls and were making there way back to the dolphin enclosure when they came across the lion. Fortunately, it was dead asleep, having been hit with a tranquilizer dart--but it was right in the middle of the path. So, they carefully stepped across it, and were immediately arrested. The crime? Transporting young gulls across state lions for immortal porpoises.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/esoper1976
πŸ“…︎ Mar 15 2018
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What did the sea bord say to the other sea bird when he asked where they would land?

At Port-you-gull

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheBeardedObesity
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2018
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How big was that seagull?

Almost as big as a D gull, but not big enough to be an eagle.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2018
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I asked my dad what he thought about the tiny seagull that robbed the liquor store....

He said it was β€œa-wee-gull”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CrazedInventor
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2018
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Me and my dad were talking about a baby seagull that committed a felony

He said it was a wee-gull

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πŸ‘€︎ u/chuckthewalrus
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2018
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I think this is a dad joke

I'm a dad and I like telling it, so I guess that's qualification enough. I heard this joke about 26 years ago, and I still laugh at it. Slightly long, so don't hate me.

A guy that lives alone decided that he wanted to get a pet. He went to a pet store in his city to see what was available. The man tells the associate at the store that he wants a pet, but he doesn't want an "ordinary" pet like a cat or dog, he wants something unique. The associate asks the man if he by chance has a swimming pool at his house, and the man replies that he indeed does have a pool. The associate says, "Great! I've got just the pet for you. Actually it is two pets -- two beautiful porpoises. And these aren't ordinary porpoises, either. They will never die, but there is one small catch. To keep them alive, once a year at noon on July 1, you have to feed each one of them an immature sea gull, before the birds have learned to fly." The associate tells the man that he shouldn't worry about the annual feeding, though, because the associate will always make sure he has two birds available for the man every year on July 1.

The man buys the pets, fills his swimming pool with salt water, and really enjoys the companionship of the porpoises throughout the year. On June 30, the man calls the pet store to make sure the two birds are available, and sure enough they are. The next day, he goes to the pet store at 10 a.m. to purchase the birds, and while he is inside the store he hears a lot of commotion coming from just outside the store. He goes to the front of the store to see what's going on outside, and he finds that there is a huge, ferocious lion trying to get into the store through the front door. Luckily, the door swings outward from the store, so the lion can't get it open. The police call the store associate to tell him what has happened. The main attraction (the lion) from the state zoo just up the road from the store had escaped, and the lion could sense all the small animals that were inside the pet store, so he was trying to get into the store to eat them. The police are waiting for the zoo's lion tamer to show up and get the animal back into captivity.

Meanwhile, the man who was at the store to buy the birds to feed to his pets was getting really anxious. He was trapped inside the store, there was no other exit, and the time was quickly approaching noon. The associate reminded the man that he absolutely had to feed his pets at precisely noon, otherwise th

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/phallivore
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2017
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Every time we go to the beach...

My dad always says this joke and gets someone to laugh: Dad: Hey look at those seagulls! Maybe we can see some of their cousins, the river gull or the lake gull. Nah, but none of those are even quite as tasty as their other cousin, the bay gull!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mjstoltz
πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2013
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Whale watching...

So mom and dad have my wife and my kid along with my sister's kid out whale watching and sent us a photo of orcas they saw. This followed...

Me: killer view!
Siss: killer view!
Me: are you thinking the same as me OR CAn you not think of anything unique and are copying me on porpoise
Me: I mean I’m having a whale of a time
Me: Did you FINish?
Me: Does your boat have a motor anD/OR SAIL?
Mom (probably dad's joke tho): You are on a roll
Me: Not sure I have many lines left actually
Me: Actually I’m beginning to waver on that statement
Me: Though it seems siss has bowed out of the conversation.
Me: Maybe she’ll come up with something after I’m done
Me: have you guys SEAn (sic) anything other than orcas?
Mom: Humpback
Me: good day for that!
Wife: Very cool!
Me: Definitely looks chilly
Wife: 20 texts... Wow
Me: Definitely an imPORTant thread to watch
Me: like how i cap-size my text to make the joke obvious?
Me: siss’ silence is fishy tho
Mom: You definitely LANDed them
Me: They just come to me and I let em sail
Me: To admit some are a bit ridockulous
Me: Which can make them tough to catch
Me: but I’ll keep tossing them out there anyway for the few that land
Me: I think we lost the point of the conversation though
Me: Let's coral it back
Me: I'm being far too shellfish by uslurping it like this
Me: But Siss did have the gull to keep repeating me
Me: Buoy that one was bad

edit: formatting

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πŸ‘€︎ u/gabeanzelini
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2015
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Why do seagulls fly over the sea?

If they flew over the bay they'd be bay gulls

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hotsprings1234
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2020
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Why don’t seagulls fly over the bay?

Because then they’d be bay-gulls!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2019
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Why don’t seagulls fly over the bay?

Because then they’d be bay-gulls!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2019
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Why don’t seagulls fly over the bay?

Because then they’d be bay-gulls!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2019
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Why do seagulls fly over seawater?

Because if they flew over sea ice they'd be icy-gulls

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VZF
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2018
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What do you call a bird with no eyes?

A can’t see gull

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πŸ‘€︎ u/NWMossBack
πŸ“…︎ Mar 16 2019
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