"I always have a few twix up my sleeve."
My doctor says its terminal
They told me I wasn't putting in enough shifts.
"It’s pasture bedtime!”
In hindsight, I should have reddit.
P.S. My first Oc.
But I'm not allowed to spread it.
They took a Risk, but now they don’t have a Clue.
..I don't have a Son.
Why are Cows such good actors?
Because they give Moooving performances
They said I wasn't putting in enough shifts.
I went straight to the bar, bought drinks for everyone there and asked them to put it on my tab.
An old lady ask me to check her balance, so I pushed her over
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
No pun in ten did.
I don’t remember signing up on their mailing list.
I've been his customer for 6 years, I had no idea he was a barber.
She responded, "How about now?"
I'm the CIEIO
Must have been a bumper crop.
No time to dye!
I thought to myself, "Thats just Spam"
I won’t lie, it was a rocky road.
1.) A Mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of three. He says, ‘Uno, dos…” and poof! He disappeared without a tres.
2.) I use mucho with my Spanish friends.... it means a lot to them.
3.) Q. Why does Michael J Fox make the finest milkshakes? A. He uses the finest ingredients
4.) Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.
5.) People who take care of chickens are literally chicken tenders.
6.) Communist jokes aren’t funny unless everyone gets them.
7.) I have a few jokes about unemployed people, but none of them work.
8.) Q. What’s brown and sticky? A. A stick
9.) Q. What’s slippery and a foot long A. A slipper
I’ve got more but I don’t want this post to be too long so I’ll leave it at that. If I get enough upvotes I’ll call up my stepdad for more. Let me know which are you’re favourites.
I’m ok though it was just a soft drink.
He was Gladiator.
'Eye-do'
This is my first post pls don't kill me lol.
The people in the comment section is why I love this subreddit!!
Cred once again my sis wants credit lol
After that, we decided to never play Monopoly again.
I was giving him a shoulder ride, and he was fidgeting, tugging my hair etc.
I asked him "what's up buddy"
He threw both hands into the air (dw I was holding his ankles) and shouted "Me" with a huge grin on his face.
Turns out he’s part Irish, part British, and a tad Pole.
I remember going to the zoo to see it.
So I packed up my things and right.
Well, the full statement was "You're pretty annoying", but I focus on the positive things
I can’t wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
I told her that if she gets cold she should put on a sweatshirt and not light a fire in the boat, because you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.
Her response: daaaaaaaaddddd 🙄
But I’m afraid they’ll just go over her head
Now, I'm living in a flat.
Iran away
I think it is a nanagram
My wife and I were out walking the other day and we were trying to get home pretty quickly to beat the rain.
We were passing through the park and passed a man walking 2 dogs when I said the rain is getting close. My wife then said "yeah I've been seeing a couple of spits" to which I replied:
"Uhh, I think they were a different breed, but I could be wrong"
I heard the most disappointed groan from her, which is music to my ears!
I don’t even own a coconut.
I told him not to let it on social media or it'll air all his dirty laundry
Oops, wrong sub.
A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her
Now i'm in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
