A proud dad sits down to have a drink with his father.
"Well son , now that you have got a kid of your own, i think it's time to give you this."
"Dad you don't mean-"
"Yes son ,i do"
Dad pulls out the copy of 1001 Dad Jokes,5th Edition
"Dad... i am honoured..." , He says , tears sparkling in his eyes.
"Hi honoured" , replies his father , "i'm dad".
Guy tries to board a plane with a dead racoon. The flight attendant says, "sir, you're going to have to check that"
"Don't worry," he replies, "It's carrion."
A woman walks into a bar. “I’ll have an entendre,” she says to the bartender. “Make it a double.”
If you come to a line of cats, why do you have to pay to cross it?
Because it's a feline.
My family doesn't appreciate my humor.
As a patriot, I have decided to buy my next Honda directly from Japan and pay the necessary tariffs.
It will...be my Civic duty.
If you have ever get locked out of your house, talk to your lock calmly
Because communication is key
Edit: it's from here, so please give the op credit
I have a friend who tried to take a selfie in the shower, but the image was too blurry.
He has selfie steam issues.
Why did the Roman Soldiers have to crucify Jesus 6ft away from the 2 thieves?
...to prevent cross-contamination.
Happy Easter.
I have a computer that does the exact opposite of what you tell it to do
it talks so if it's being annoying just say "open down"
I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. “How much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. “Nothing” I slurred. “Look at me!” she shouted. “It’s either me or the pub, which one is it?”
I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled, “It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”
My boss said to me "You're the worst train driver ever! How many have you derailed this year?!"
I said "I don't know... it's hard to keep track"
I was standing in line waiting to have my hair cut, when I noticed that no one had started a fire yet.
I thought, "This is a shit barber queue."
“Sorry Harry, unfortunately we have to cancel your Vietnamese food delivery”
Harry Potter and the Order of the Pho Nix.
I have a pencil that used to belong to William Shakespeare. He chewed it a lot.
Now, I can't tell if it's 2B or not 2B!
I was offered to have a street named after me, but I said no because I remembered
No one crosses me and lives
Petco has a new Covid vaccine for animals & humans. In tests, some people have reported excessive hair growth on their hands. I'm going to get it anyway...
but it does give me paws.
Scientists have discovered what is believed to be the world's largest bed sheet.
More on this story, as it unfolds.
Today, my son asked: "Can I have a bookmark?". To which I instantly started crying
After all these years, he still doesn't know my name is Dave...
I went to a Ford dealership the other day looking for a specific model. The salesman told me they didn’t have what I was looking for and that I wasn’t allowed to leave.
To kill a French vampire, you have to drive a baguette through it's heart.
Sounds easy, but the process is painstaking .
If you wear glasses and have been required to wear a mask during the COVID pandemic, you may be entitled to condensation.
Where does a sheep go to have his haircut ?
[Credit to u/Vishalbharadwaj21] I have the high ground
If a person doesn’t have to go to prison but has to see an officer every two weeks...
Do they have a probationship?
True story: I was visiting my wife in the hospital but the room didn't have a bed to lay down in so I laid down on the floor since I was tired. The nurse came in and asked "having a good time down there"?
I said "oh yeah. I'm just floored".
I know I have a terrible stutter, but I would like to introduce you to the lady who cuts my hair
This is Ba ba ba ba barber Anne.
The mayor in my city just passed law that male best friends have to have lunch together at least once a week
Well it’s not a law it’s a mandate
Who do the Spice Girls speak to when they have an issue with one another?
I have 20 seconds to tell my joke
Damn who keeps taking my silver medals?
I feel like I always have to scratch my butt
It’s a perineal problem.
(Credit to wife for spontaneous punning)
I have a friend who loves computer programming but his parent wanted him to be a doctor. So he became a plastic surgeon.
Now he's a full rack developer.
I have started carrying a piece of stone with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
It’s my jingle bell rock.
If I have a solar-powered phone, and I use it to make a call…
I fell at work and cracked my tailbone. Now I can’t sit down and I have to listen to everyone’s wise cracks..
All in all it’s been a real pain in the ass!
Her: "I have a confession...I used to be Christian. "
Me: " That doesn't bother me. "
Her: "Thats great... Because I'd much rather be known as Christine now."
I have created living numbers! In fact, one of them is psychic and told me that certain things will continue to happen for a long time.
At least for the four-seeable future.
It'd be awesome to have a DeLorean
but honestly I'd only drive it from time to time.
this year, i have decided to type everything in lower case letters.
i have stopped giving a shift.
I used to have a Russian friend who was a sound technician
And a Czech one too. A Czech one too
If you have bee hive at your house, and you call a local bee keeper to take them away, the Bee keepers will thank you for the FreeBees.
A girl invited me to have sex on her Honda Civic
But i like to have sex on my own Accord
Where do the keys on a keyboard go to have a good time
How many times do you have to tickle an octopus before he’ll laugh?
It is that level of cringe when you have to laugh
Season 2 of the Queen’s Gambit will have Beth Harmon move to Prague.
The chess playing main character wants a Czech mate
I said I was sad to have to go back to work on Monday after a long break. My four year old without missing a beat said...
Daddy, you're sad because it's SADurday.
I was so proud.
Have you ever heard the plot to the movie “Cars”?
My boss said to me, “You are the worst train operator ever. How many trains have you derailed in the past year?”
I said, “I’m not sure. It’s so hard to keep track.”
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