There so stupid.
Dozen tit?
It was pretty mindblowing.
A good buoy!
Cause he's Dolittle now.
I said "That's the last thing I need"
It’s the little things that count.
Well, first, you gotta set a boobie trap...
He's fine. He woke up.
Bears.. they have a right to bear arms
You must be so proud of yourshelf.
A boy was in love with a girl. Madly in love. He told his older brother, who suggested he ask her to the upcoming prom. So, that night, he went to her house with some flowers and chocolates and asked the girl to the prom.
She was overjoyed. She took the flowers and hugged him around the neck. When he went home, his brother told him he had to get ready. Prom was in only a week!
The next day, he traveled to a suit store. He picked out the perfect one. It would go perfectly with his date’s dress. He picked his up and went to check out. Unfortunately, it seems a lot of people were buying suits, as the line nearly went out of the store. He groaned, but anything for his love. After two long hours, he finally got his suit.
A couple days later, his brother suggested that he rent a limo. He and his brother went to rent one that evening. When they arrived, they discovered that there were nearly 50 people waiting to rent a vehicle. They waited for nearly three hours, but they were finally able to rent a limo for the big day.
The afternoon before the dance, he went to buy some flowers for his date. Unfortunately, the store seemed to be having a sale, and the checkout lines extended into the parking lot. He stomped his foot. “Why is it that every time I go to buy something, everyone else wants to buy it too?!” He begrudgingly waited for nearly four hour before walking out with a bouquet of roses.
That night, he rode in the limo to his date’s house. She got in, and they talked the entire trip. He presented her with the flowers, which she adored. Her dress was stunning, and went perfectly with his suit.
They arrived at the school and got out, arms linked. They walked inside, said hi to a couple of friends, and began dancing and enjoying the night.
About halfway through the dance, the boy was parched. He told his girl that he was going to get a drink. He walked over to the snack table and discovered that there was no punch line.
He's never gonna give you up
He didnt have a chance against the 4 of us
Teacher: “What will next week’s test be on?”
Class: “Confidence intervals and….”
Teacher: “No, it’ll be on paper.”
Class: “Ugh…”
Teacher: “And how long will it be?”
Class: “Umm, like, ten questions?”
Teacher: “No, 8.5 by 11 inches.”
Class: “Goddamnit.”
Far too many lines get crossed
Another and it may run away.
(Right before I leave)
Mom:Be safe driving over there
Me: Ok, Mom
Dad: Be safe deriving over there
Me: Goddamnit
me:
wife:
me:
wife: "keith, say something"
me: "i'm scared"
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: "goddamnit dad"
If Korn got in a horrible accident, would that make them "Kreamed Korn"??
My response: Goddamnit Dad.
So I'm walking to the break room at work, and for a bit of background, I work in a small factory in a small town of 900. The workforce here has an average age of about 50, me being 20 makes me the youngest person here. Needless to say, I hear dadjokes 24/7, but this one is the best..so far.
I'm walking to the break room and I hear my coworker George call out for me. I stop walking and wait for him to approach. He leans in and says, "How far do you think you would have gotten if I hadn't hollered at you?"
Goddamnit, George.
So, I used to have this cousin who lived in the country side. He subsistenced farmed, but worked as a carpenter before hand. He kept a few pieces of furniture, most notably his chair that he called his throne. So one day, he puts his throne on his roof, and its a grass house. He sits on said throne, that's on the roof. After sitting for a while he goes back down to get something to eat. As he climbs down, the chair falls through the ceiling, killing him. The Moral of the story? Don't stow thrones on grass houses.
Don't break that mirror, it'll reflect poorly on you later.
Me: Hey nice pants, are those corduroy?
Him: Yeah they are.
Me: Have you heard about those new corduroy pillow cases...they're really making "headlines."
Him:....Goddamnit snake_lamp.
We were in the car, on the way home and grandma decided to call abd check up on us because we've been sick since last night. Grandma wanted to know if her eye was doing alright, which was confusing because we have the stomach flu. Mom bursts out laughing and tries to explain to grandma that she was joking.
Apparently, mom sent grandma a text saying "My eye's not doing too well, I'm gonna have problems SEEING my way into work." Goddamnit Mom.
Hey dad what's for lunch?
Food.
What Kind of food?
The kind you eat.
Goddamnit dad.
