So me and my twin sis went with my dad to a family barbecue thing, dad was frying the meat with my 8 uncles. They were taking too long to prepare the meat, so I decided to say that I'm hungry and they are slow.
Every single one of my uncles and my dad proceeded to stare at me and
"HELLO HUNGRY, I'M NOT SLOW, I'M DAD".
Demerara
“I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there”
I should be upset, but I’m delighted
Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice.
Nano Nano
But every time I bring it up, she smoothly changes the topic.
Chicken sees a salad
Incorrectly
wiki wiki wiki wiki
I don't know why she got mad. She told me to take him for a wok.
It took them forever to get back up.
He was the rootinest tootinest cowboy in the wild west
Because if they flew over the bay, they would be bagels
Because he couldn’t lie.
So my dad was going through his normal morning ritual, when he screamed "GODDAMMIT" from the bathroom. He walked out a few minutes later, looking sad.
Me: "What was the yelling about?"
Dad: "I dropped my toothpaste."
Me: "That made you upset?"
Dad: "No, ZTheJerk. Upset doesn't cover it. I'm absolutely crestfallen."
Pretty much just cabbage
Her - "When we get married, can we honeymoon in Iceland?"
Me - "Sure."
Her - "And we can have a party in a fjord?"
Me - "We'd have a Fjord Fiesta."
Her - "Goddammit."
I'm getting an early start on this dad jokes thing.
He just sat in the corner with a smirk on his face.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ojk5M2CvBFk
The dad shows up at 1:48
I ask her what she's watching. She says "Reba". I respond, "Do you know what the Spanish version of this show is called?" "No, what?" "AREBA!!!"
BREATHE, GODDAMMIT, BREATHE!!!
Us: WHAT?! ...Goddammit.
I cut my finger open and didn't notice it.
Dad: "Hey, you cut your finger pretty bad there."
Me: "I did? Didn't notice. I lost feeling in that one a few years ago when I cut it open at the base."
Dad: "I lost sensation in my thumb after I did the same thing, so I know the feeling... Or do I?"
Driving to the store.
Me: "The tires feel kind of flat. Should probably stop at a gas station and increase the pressure."
Dad: "We have to be careful, though. Too much pressure and they'll get nervous."
Going to the Cheesecake Factory.
Me: "We have to take the bridge, right?"
Dad: "Yeah, but we're gonna have to give it back afterwards."
Goddammit, dad.
Talking about what costume to wear. "just put a potato on your fly and go as a dictator"
My mom: Explain to me how Will Smith look the same as he did in 1989?
Dad: Maybe it's just sheer Will-Power.
Laughter ensued for the rest of the night. Goddammit dad.
Who's there. Grandpa. Goddammit, stop the funeral.
My dad and I were watching a live concert series on television, and eventually Fall out Boy came on.
"Who's that?"
"It's Fall Out Boy"
"How come I've never heard of them?"
"Well, they had a huge gap in between albums."
"Would you say they had a falling out?"
^^^Goddamitdad
Me: "What was that really bad joke you told me in the car?" Dad: "It couldn't have been me" Me: "It was definitely you, Dad" Dad: "Nope. I know it wasn't me because I don't tell bad jokes"
Goddammit Dad
Happened over text message: http://imgur.com/fNLRgpZ
Him: Yeah man...I went golfing like for times last summer, I want to go more regularly this year so I don't suck quite so much haha
Me: *fore times. FTFY
Him: Jesus. A little early in life to be making dad jokes, don't you think?
Me: I'm not Jesus, I'm Kevin.
Him: Goddammit.
During the pre-game, when showing the teams about to compete:
>Dad: Oh man, those guys are gonna be slip-slidin' all over the place!
>Me: Why? Is it raining?
>Dad: No, its Greece.
goddammit
Dad: "Do you remember blowing Bubbles as a kid?" Me: "Yes. Why?" Dad: "He said it has been a long time and he misses you"
Setting: movie theater during the "fish are friends" scene; aka heavy talking
(Dad) psst
(Me) what
(Dad) where do fish go to have a drink
(Me) not able to hear dialogue Idc shhhh
(Dad) a can-tuna
(Me) goddammit
EDIT: Thanks for getting me to the frontpage of /r/dadjokes for a day! I'm glad you all benefitted from my pain!
Was eating burgers with the wife and daughter when my wife (who picked up the food) said, "I was going to get us singles, but I went with the double. Just felt in the mood for a meatier burger."
"Did your burger kill the dinosaurs?" I deadpanned.
"What?"
"Your burger. You said it was a meteor burger."
"Meatier...meatier...METEOR Burger? Goddammit, goober."
Mom: Should we buy a pumpkin? Dad: It's a bit early, we don't want a premature jack-o-lantern. Mom: Goddammit!
"Oh good you're still here, your mother asked me to call you back... <dramatic pause>... Hello Back, I'm dad :-D"
GODDAMMIT DAD NOT AGAIN
Him: My test results came in. The tumors in my lungs and back haven't spread and have begun shrinking thanks to the treatment.
Me: That's wonderful!!!
Him: They're still there but at least they haven't increased by one and become tremors.
Me: Hm? I don't ge......oh goddammit.
My dad everyone. Even when battling cancer, there's still time to make a joke.
Had a seizure. Epilepsy sucks. I woke up, then this happened.
Dad: "Ah, you're awake. Did you see God?"
I couldn't quite see yet, but I knew he was waiting to say something clever. So I tried to turn it around before I passed out again.
Me: "I don't know. I might have. If I did, he bears a striking resemblance to the carpet."
Dad: "Let us thank the Floored that you didn't hurt yourself."
My stepmother said he made several more while I was out in the ER and in the ambulance.
Goddammit, dad.
Dad was driving us to his place, and we were talking about games. Girlfriend mentions Blizzard.
Dad: Which one is Blizzard?
Girlfriend: The guys that make World of Warcraft!
Dad: Huh. I thought they were the guys that made the ice.
Goddammits were all around.
Because if they went forward they'd end up in the bottom of the boat. (Goddammit Dad)
