The Dad , the Daughter and her prayers.

A father is listening to his daughter say her prayers before bed. The daughter says โ€œGod bless Mummy and God Bless Daddy and God bless Grandma and good bye Grandad.โ€ The father says, โ€œGood bye Grandad? Why is that?โ€ The daughter says, โ€œJust because I felt like it.โ€ The next day, Grandad drops dead. The father canโ€™t believe the coincidence, but decided not to question it. That night, he listens to the daughterโ€™s prayers again. She says, โ€œGod bless Mummy and God bless Daddy and goodbye Grandma.โ€ The father is shocked again and asks his daughter why, but she says again, โ€œJust because I felt like it.โ€ The next day, the Grandma drops dead and now the Father is getting worried but doesnโ€™t know what to do, so he tries to forget about it. That night, he listens to his daughter again and she says, โ€œGod bless Mummy and goodbye Daddy.โ€ The father is now terrified and goes to work the next day sweating, cancels all of his meetings, and hides in his office for the whole day. He doesnโ€™t go home and stays there until midnight. Heโ€™s very surprised. โ€˜Iโ€™ve cheated death!โ€™ he thinks to himself, then rushes home. His wife asks, โ€œWhere have you been?!โ€ and the husband says, โ€œOh donโ€™t ask me any questions, todayโ€™s been miserable.โ€ The wife replies, โ€œYour days been miserable? Well, listen to my day! Firstly, the milk man drops dead on the porchโ€ฆโ€

๐Ÿ‘︎ 6
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/HereIsAFookinName
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 07 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
What are they teaching kids these days?

My 2 year old little girl was sitting at the kitchen table eating her dinner. It was me and my wife and her, just chilling. So, she drops her napkin on the floor and I pick it up and hand it to her, to which she says thank you daddy. So, I ask her if she can say thank you in spanish.

"Thank you daddy, in spanish"

I almost choked on my meal I laughed so hard, and my wife groaned. I have never been prouder.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 3k
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/lidsville76
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 09 2016
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
My wife just got my daughter.

While putting on my daughter's shoes, my daughter says to my wife "No mommy, I want daddy to put on my shoes!"

My wife responds, "No baby, your shoes won't fit on your daddy's feet."

๐Ÿ‘︎ 3k
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/I_Love_Alliteration
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 01 2015
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
This is a little long so get ready

So this dad likes to listen to his daughter's prayers every time she does them. One night when he is standing by her door, he overhears her say "God bless mom, God bless dad, God bless grandma, and goodbye grandpa." The dad is thinking "Ok that was pretty weird, but whatever."

The next morning, he learns that the grandpa DIED. He remembers what his daughter said last night and thinks "Ok umm this could all just be a coincidence" and he thinks nothing of it.

A month later and the daughter is doing the prayers again. "God bless mom, God bless dad, and goodbye grandma."

Once again, the dad learns the next morning, that the grandma has died from a heart attack. Now he's a little freaked out and thinks "This definitely cannot be a coincidence now, but it still could be, so whatever."

A few weeks later, he hears from his daughter's room, again, "God bless mom, and goodbye dad." Now he is totally freaking out because he thinks he's gonna die today. He spends all day being really cautious so he, you know, doesn't die. At 12:00am, he thinks "Yes! I made it! I didn't die!"

Once he gets home from work, he goes over and he tells his wife, "Honey, I've had a really bad day today and-"

The wife cuts in and says, "Yea me too! The mailman died on our porch!"

~this is my first post so โ•ฎ(โ”€โ–ฝโ”€)โ•ญ ~

๐Ÿ‘︎ 79
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/theresnogoodname
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 12 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Irl dad comeback!

My daughter: Really, dad, you're so dramatic!

Me: (quietly, through clenched teeth) If I'm too dramatic....THEN. GOD. HELP. US. ALL...

๐Ÿ‘︎ 6
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/ConnellAngus
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 20 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
The endless dadjoke

Last night, my daughter and I:

Her: "I'm cold, dad."

Me: "No, I'm cold dad, you're cold Elizabeth."

Her: "Dad, stop it! I'm cold, dad!"

Me: "No, I'm cold dad, you're cold Elizabeth!"

Her: "Daaaad! I'm cold, dad!"

Me: "I think what you want to say is "Dad, I'm cold.'"

Her: "Dad, I'm cold."

Me: "Hi cold, I'm Dad."

Her: "DAD NO."

Edit: Oh god the formatting was horrible, sorry about that.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 4k
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/CanSpice
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 12 2014
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Dad Jokes I Tell My Kids

I have a 6 year-old and a 8 year-old.

Whenever my kids ask me, "Dad, can I ask you a question?" I reply, "You just did." And then smile.

Also, whenever my kids say, "Dad, guess what?" I comeback with something completely ludicrous, "Uh, you just saw an polka-dotted elephant in the kitchen and he stole your lunch?"

They do not find it humorous at all. But, I crack myself up.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 61
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/papabois
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 18 2013
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
I'm a seasoned vet when it comes to dadjoking.

I bumped into my teenage daughter while carrying laundry down the hall.

D: I've been assaulted!

Me: I've been a-peppered! Haha!

D: Oh. my. god. You are the worst!

Me: It's not my fault you can't handle all this flavor!

Now she won't talk to me so I'm gonna go enjoy the solitude and play Skyrim.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 10
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Sammichface
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 10 2018
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
My two 7 year olds got me tonight.

My 7 year old daughter started with "What do you call an underwater social network? Fishbook!" My 7 year old son then said "What is the best animal to hit a baseball? A bat!" Mother of god...what have I done?

๐Ÿ‘︎ 28
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/tinman10104
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 25 2017
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
A dad is talking to his kids about school.

His son says 'Well, in maths we did probability today'

His daughter exclaims 'Oh my god! So did I!'

The dad says 'What are the chances of that?'

๐Ÿ‘︎ 145
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Fractalz37
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 01 2017
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Proud moment at Thanksgiving dinner tonight. (yes it's Thanksgiving in Canada - TYL)...

My daughter (13) hates listening to my Dad jokes all the time (down deep she really loves them)

So tonight at dinner I said, wow I'm so stuffed and she says, oh probably from all the stuffing eh!? She then says, oh god I'm turning into you! โ˜บ๏ธ

๐Ÿ‘︎ 6
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Lachrondizzle23
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 09 2017
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Got my wife and 7 year old daughter pretty good today.

Me: oh my god! Do you smell that? Them: smell what? Me: it's horrible. I've only smelled that once before, it smells like supdawg. My wife: what's supdawg? Me: not much what's going on? My daughter laughed uncontrollably.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 180
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/SRowan33
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 09 2014
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Kinda Dark Dad Joke...

So I'm watching TV with my daughters. A Saint Jude commercial comes on and shows a bunch of sick kids dying of cancer... both of my daughters let out a compassionate "Awe.."

Me: Hey girls, do you realize how many more kids in America were diagnosed with cancer during the time it took to watch that commercial?

Daughters: Oh my God... I don't even what to think about it! How many?

Me: Tumor.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 11
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/AdminsSucknSwalllow
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 04 2017
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
There are three classes of cheerios

There are three classes of cheerios, the lower class (plain ol' cheerios), the middle class cheerios (frosted), and the elite class (honey nut). One soggy morning in Seattle, a plain cheerio awoke in his single room apartment. He looked out at the still sleepy city, blanketed in a mist of rain. He quickly got dressed and put his shoes on, this would be the day. He stood propped against the bus stop, smoking a cigarette. "God I have got to stop this habit." He thought to himself. Glancing back and forth at the bustle of cheerios, he saw her. She looked about 25, devastatingly gorgeous, and he could smell the honey from where he stood. "Excuse me ma'am," his voice quivered, "I - I think you might be the most beautiful cheerio I have ever seen." She smiled and her otherwise golden brown face grew red. " This is a long shot, but will you marry me?' She was obviously caught off guard by this, but her red lips formed the word, "Yes." They raced through the morning mist of the city, and arrived at her fathers house. The cheerio bent down in front of her father. "Sir, I would like to ask for your blessing in marrying your daughter" "No! You are a regular cheerio and my daughter needs a high quality honey nut" he snapped. "But sir." "No means no damnit!" "Sir this is very unrea-" "You come back a honey nut and you'll have my blessing, my daughter is not about to marry a low life like you." The cheerio sprinted home, tears streaming down his face. He fumbled against the lock and sprawled out on his bed. When he awoke it was early, his sheets had a dark silhouette from his wet jacket. He sat up and lit a cigarette. "Damn." he sighed to himself. Walking in front of his mirror, he noticed something different. His body was frosted! He had become a frosted cheerio! He darted out the door without shoes, reaching the honey nut household in no time at all. He banged on the door, and the beauty's father answered. "Sir I am a changed cheerio! I'm frosted!" he exclaimed. Her father had a stern look on his face. "You think you are any better? The dirt on my boots are worth more than you." he hissed. The old honey nut slammed the door on the young frosted. He heard the deadbolt click. The newly frosted cheerio didn't take the same way home. He stood on the edge of a bridge, feeling the cool autumn wind on his sugar coated skin. Was he really going to go through with this? Was it worth it? No he was a frosted cheerio now. He couldn't get the girl, but he was a changed cheerio. He

... keep reading on reddit โžก

๐Ÿ‘︎ 2
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/R1pply
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 31 2017
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Punny names of Dark Souls 3 bosses.

For reference: Link to wiki

Some of these are done in a kind of "news headline"-style:

  • Choir leader fired after using too much sexual innuendo; "Lewd Ex Cantor."

  • Video on demand about a street where nothing happens; "Vod of the Boring Alley."

  • Man's brutal cousin turns out to be a great bloke; "Raw-Ted, Great Dude".

  • Panic spreads as toilet facilities take over the world; "Cry! Stall-Age."

  • A man orders a book of basic letters to look after his daughters belongings while he looks after the others; "ABC, Watch Her's!".

  • Sams brother cheats a dude; "Dean Cons the Peep."

  • A ride in the amusement park offers a wide range of emotions; "High! Low! Woo! Nah."

  • A weird and hard to describe new dessert; "Cold Lemon Thing."

  • A new star in stand up rises! Come see "Puntiff Sulyvahn."

  • Pirates start eating fava beans and a new drink is required; "Yo! Ho! The Chianti!."

  • A Long lived man has an unusual apetite for fish; "Old-Rick, Devourer of Cods".

  • In Bacteria-Town, a devastating disease strikes one inhabitant working at a hotel; "Cancer of the Borrelia Valet".

  • Roman god Cubid is ordered to take a woman to cave and kill her; "Drag and Slay Her Amor"

  • Osiris's statue has been in way too many marriages and people have started to call it; "Osiris the Consummated Thing."

  • The choir leader from before is transformed into a mushroom; "Champignon Cantor"

  • An english man becomes the leader of a Polish airplane company and gets nicknamed; "LOT-Rick"

  • An impatient tree person attacks a random mythical hunter; "Antsy Ent! Why Hern?!"

  • Horse named Elvis keeps making noise and a man shouts;"Neigh Less King!"

  • A child opens a chocolate egg and a white spirit jumps out; "Soul of Kinder"

Sorry about the possible typos.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 3
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Dralnu22
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 13 2016
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Italian Dad

I visited my girlfriend in Italy, her dad didn't speak much english and I didn't speak much Italian. He's a really big Italian guy, and everytime we ate, my girlfriend would always have a really healthy meal. He would always get up from the table and say "my daughter is TOP model, top model" while spinning around and doing the most girly little dance.

Also everytime money was brought into conversation (he's considerably frugal) he would start kneeling hypothetically and praising the jew god, claiming he was of jewish descent.

Lol.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 10
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/KarmaBender
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 08 2013
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Does this one count?

I left my phone in the bathroom at my work(which is a thing I tend to do). My events coordinator came into the back with tears down her eyes, laughing hysterically, with it in hand.

"What happened?"

"You left your phone in the bathroom and I texted your dad saying this phone was left in the bathroom and to please call the restaurant."

"You shouldn't have texted my dad."

"I know! He called the restaurant and said that this was they phone number of his daughter that died three years ago by choking to death while eating here!"

"Oh my God..."

"I know! When I asked if he was serious he said "nah, she's just the ditzy Asian girl that leaves her phone everywhere.""

๐Ÿ‘︎ 9
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/wannabgourmande
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 02 2014
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
One I told tonight

me- "2 potatoes are standing side by side, which one is the prostitute?

daughter- "I don't know"

me- "It's the one with the sticker that says Idaho"

god I'm hilarious!

๐Ÿ‘︎ 9
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/brooksjedi
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 03 2014
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Dad joked my step daughter

So my step daughter is recovering from having here wisdom teeth pulled 3 days ago.

She just asked "so how do I brush my teeth"? (Her dentist gave special instructions).

I replied "with a tooth brush".

She flips me off. God I love my kids.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 5
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/dragonstar982
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 07 2014
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
I've been doing this one for years and they still don't learn...

Today, I woke up my daughter (14) for school at 6 am. She first goes into the bathroom.

When she arrives at the breakfast table her hair is still really messy.

My wife fetches a brush and says: "Oh my god, you look terrible!"

Me: "Yes, and have you seen her hair!?"

๐Ÿ‘︎ 3
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/tjutachi
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 19 2014
๐Ÿšจ︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.