Go Back On Puns

Daddy, you're sad because it's SADurday.

I was so proud.

But that's a sweeping statement.

Pull just one arse hair and your eyes water.

I hate these late night rebooty calls.

I yelled, "No mom! I'm so sick of your gelt trips!"

They're very Moorish

It'll be my Backstory.

He laughed at all of them

I didn't want it to spring it on any of you

Without any hesitation, the homeless man pounces into the water to save him. After doing CPR on the well dressed man he coughs the water from his lungs, the business man gratefully thanks the homeless man.

The business man says "Is there anything I can do for you? Money is something not out of the question."

The homeless man responds "I'd honestly just be grateful for a job, sir."

So the business man nods "That is something I can definitely help you out with, have you ever had an opportunity to work on a cruise ship?"

A few days later, the homeless man is hooked up with working a job as a janitor for the night shift. The captain of the ship tells the homeless "We just need you working night shift, and since this is a provide entertainment for higher classed individuals, we can't have you wondering around during the day. On the off hand you're pleased to do whatever you please after your shift." The homeless man then nods understanding the situation.

Later during that night the captain is casual watching over the homeless man in his free time, and he's absolutely baffled by this dive he's witnessed. He rushes down to him and explains

"Do you have any idea how insane that dive was?"

The man just mutters to the captain "No? It's was just a simple dive, right?"

The captain examines "In my entire life I have never seen some dive without making a simple SPLASH! There has never been a human alive to this date that was able to accomplish what you just did!"

The man is taken aback for a second and says "So what are you saying to me?"

The captain rambles on more "I'll make a deal with you, every night we're going to take the diving board up, and we're going to put on a show for every single passenger."

So every night they're training, taking the diving board higher and higher, and every singletime he hit the water there isnt a single splash. Then the day finally came and all the passengers flood around the boat to see the dive. So the man approaches the ladder and he just starts climbing and climbing. He climbed till he couldn't see the boat anymore, and he climbed till he could see curvature of the Earth.

And finally he jumps. He's just falling and falling till he passed the clouds then can finally see the boat. His formation falls into perfection. He finally hits the pool and like ever other night there wasn't singular splash. But he keeps going and smashes through the ENTIRE ship. So the man swims around to the side of the sinking ship.

The captain

Honestly I go back and forth on them.

Smokey the Bear was relaxing in his new house.

He'd just moved to the neighbourhood and was enjoying retirement after years of working for the U.S. Forest Service. He was sitting in his favourite easy chair, reading a particularly engaging book, when the doorbell rang.

Smokey sighed, set the book face down (his sister was always so mad at him for doing this as it ruined the spine, but seeing as this was essentially the latest in a series of airport bestsellers, he didn't feel like he was damaging anything particularly worth saving (though he had to admit it was pretty compelling, if a bit tawdry) and got up to answer the door.

When he opened it, there was a ram standing there, with a stack of fliers in his arms.

"Hello sir or madam would you like a.... OH! It's you! You're Smokey! I love your work!"

"That's quite alright, thank you" Smokey said "Now what can I do for you, young man?"

"Oh gosh, I'm so flustered" said the ram. "I never expected to see a celebrity on my first day!" "First day of...?" said Smokey. "Oh! Sorry, yes!" the ram stammered. "My sister and I just opened a new flower shop down the street and I was just handing out these brochures and it would just mean the world to us both if you would take one!"

Smokey looked down at the coupon in the ram's hand, then back up to his face.

"Sorry, kid. I'm not going to take this".

The poor ram was shocked "You're... not?"

"Now, if your sister was here, I'd accept it from her, but not from you".

"Wh... but... I don't understand...? Why my sister?"

Smokey got a serious expression on his face and looked the ram dead in the eye.

"Only ewes can present florist fliers".

The man goes to discuss the matter with his Jewish neighbor.

"It happened with my son, too! He left home Jewish and came back a few days later a Christian."

They go to talk to the rabbi about this issue. "You're not gonna believe this," the rabbi told them. "My Jewish son also left and came back a Christian!"

So they had to take it a level higher. The rabbi talked to God, "our sons are leaving home and returning as Christians! What's going on?"

God replies "so, you're not gonna believe this..."

This was not any ordinary bird however, as he was able to speak and understand English at a perfect level. For quite a while, he didn't use it much to his advantage. He was content simply fluttering around and living peacefully with his bird wife.

But one day, tragedy struck! Our bird one day woke up to an empty nest, no bird kids, no bird wife, just him and some twigs.

He starts asking around his bird community, and eventually pieces together that his bird wife got tired of him and his lack of ambition. She took the bird kids and flew off to stay with her bird Mother.

Our bird was left with an overwhelming sense of listlessness, realizing that everything he had worked towards in his bird life was now gone.

Our bird, now destitute and lonely, decided he was tired of bird life, and wanted to use his English speaking ability to try something new.

He decides to fly into the nearest human town, and observe for a bit. He perched himself on a tree overlooking the main street of the town, and simply watched.

After an hour or two, he noticed several people heading into a building, one labelled as "Bar". He decides that if he wants to truly utilize his prowess of the English language, the best place to start is with other English speakers, so he flies down to the building and hops his way inside.

Our bird makes his way over the bar, hops up on a stool, and says "Hey bartender, can I get a drink?" The bartender and a few other people nearby notice that these words came out of a bird and are immediately and completely enthralled and bewildered by this sight.

The bartender saunters over and asks "Did you just ask for a drink? But you're a bird! I've never seen anything like this before, but if you want a drink I'm happy to oblige".

The bartender pours the bird some water, places it in front of him, and they start chatting. After realizing what was happening, every patron at the bar is standing around the bird, eager to get another peek at this otherworldly phenomenon. People ask the bird some questions, and the bird happily responds, informing them all of his plight and his goal to take full advantage of his gift. More people make their way to him, snapping pictures and videos to share with their friends. The bird loves all the attention and is more than happy to indulge each and every customer who comes up to him.

After a few hours, closing time rolls around. Most people make their way out of the bar, ecstatic to share their newfound memories with family an

But he had troubleshooting.

I'm a son without a father... I lost him a few days ago to a heart attack and I just... can't stop crying

We both used to check out this sub daily for amazing dad jokes and laugh at them together... We'd try to form our own stupid stuff

I used to wake up for college early in the morning I'd cook some breakfast for him get ready and before leaving I'd wake him up and tell him a stupid dad joke... I'd want to see him start his day with a smile

I just want to thank you all in this sub for giving me and my dad happiness your jokes made us laugh at our worst times

Out of habit I keep getting up to go to his room with a dad joke... Only to see it empty

I'm never gonna get to mess around with my dad again... I'm never going to hang out with him again he's not going to be there to see me grow up and buy a house of my own ... He's not going to see me buy a car of own ... He's not going to see me get married... He's gone forever and I will never get to start my day with a smile again from a silly dad joke with him

He wasn't the greatest dad but he certainly was the best I could ever ask for ... I will miss you dad

Thank you r/dadjokes to all the amazing dads here and their funny and stupid jokes

Edit : thank you so much dad's for your overwhelming support I love you guys and I just want to take a moment to thank all the people here who shared their experiences as well of having lost a parent... Your story inspires me to continue forward with the torch

Also I'm seeing quite a few comments saying the post is not funny and that they came for a laugh... I'm truly sorry about that, I just really wanted to honor my dad in this sub since we spent so much time together here scrolling for jokes and I needed the push from you dads to get back on my feet

I'm never going to be the same that's for sure knowing a peice of me has been lost forever... The void will never be filled in my heart But your support is just what I needed, once again thank you dads I love you

Edit 2: thank you so much dads for your overwhelming support I know I haven't been able to respond to all the dms and messages here but I've been reading them all and it's just made me smile in the worst Thank you dads you guys are the best

...well, that's the Word on the street.

A man comes in and offers to buy the dog and asks to speak to it. Go ahead, says the shop keeper. So how did you learn to talk? Well it's just something I picked up as a service dog for the blind. After that I went to Afghanistan helping to sniff out bombs. Then I came back received a medal and became the official guard dog of the White House. Convinced? Says the shopkeeper? Absolutely says the man. How much? $100. The man takes the dog not believing his good fortune. The shop keeper's wife comes in and says, you only got $100 for him? Jokes on him says the shopkeeper. That dog's a liar, he never did any of that crap.

Man comes into a restaurant that proudly claims "World's best chili" on a big neon sign. Since he was so hungry he orders a bowl. The woman behind the counter says, "See that man down there at the end of the counter. He just ordered the last bowl." Disheartened he order a blue plate special and waited. He noticed the man had not touched his chili. After a few minutes, he approaches the guy , "Hey is that chili really world famous?"

"Yep, so they say."

"Wow, I love chili, I noticed you haven't touch it while I've been sitting here. You going it eat it?"

The guy looks over at the man and pushes the bowl to him, "Have at it."

"Thanks," he says and digs in enjoying every spicy bite. Half way done, he notices a dead mouse in the bottom of the bowl, and pukes it all back into the bowl.

The guy at the end of the bar speaks up, "Yeah I did that too."

This is a HomeNetworking / DadJoke crossover. If you don't get it, no worries, just move on.

Yesterday, I thought it would be a good idea to change all of the subnets in my home to something other than 192.168.x.x, so I moved them all to the 10.x.x.x space. Wife, who is upstairs working, was kicked of the network, and I had to go up to her office and renew her address. She was none too pleased.

Later that night as we're getting ready for bed, I hear from the other room, "I can't find the bathroom!"

"Why not?" I yell back.

Wife cries out, "Because you changed my IP address!!"

It was a severe winter, and this particular night was bitterly cold. There was a loud knocking at the door which was opened to find Quasimodo shivering.

He was brought in, fed warm food and given a warm place to sleep. The next morning, at breakfast, Quasimodo very diffidently approached the Archbishop to thank him for sheltering him.

"Your Grace," he added, "please give me some work to do so I can earn my keep. I am very good at bell ringing."

"My son," replied the Archbishop, "that is indeed fortuitous timing, as our campanologist is leaving on a pilgrimage to Lourdes. I am wondering, though, with your gnarled hands, if you will not have some difficulty ringing the bells."

"Your Grace, I do not use my hands," Quasimodo explained. "Allow me to demonstrate."

They all went to the belfry, shooed away the bats, and Quasimodo started to ring the bells - with his head.

Everyone was impressed and he got the job. He would ring the bells every day at the appointed time.

For Christmas, he decided to play a symphony as a way to thank everyone. He played so beautifully that everyone was moved to tears.

For the grand finale, he decided to end with a crescendo, so as the last chimes were ringing out on the other nine bells, he drew back to the end of the belfry, ran to the tenth bell and took a flying leap at the bell.

And missed.

He couldn't stop himself, and flew straight out of the belfry to go splat on the pavement below, dead.

People gathered, the gendarmes were summoned, and they started asking if anyone knew who this poor fellow was.

Someone around spoke up, "I don't know his name, but his face rings a bell."

(to be continued)

That way it will be a bad habit tat.

I was wondering why the ball was getting bigger, then it hit me! Never trust an atom, they make up everything! Long fairy tales do tend to drag on! I made a pun about the wind, but it blows! I had a pizza joke, but it was too CHEESY! I know a guy who collected candy canes, they were all in mint condition! Don't discuss infinity with your math teacher, they'll go on forever! The ability to fly would be so uplifting! My friend's bakery burned down, now it's toast! I was gonna get a brain transplant, but I changed my mind! german food jokes are the wurst! My local A.T.M stopped working and it doesn't make any cents! I miss my childhood friend and he misses me, but our aim is getting better! My friend found out she was colorblind, it came out of the orange for her! What did the duck say when she purchased some new lipstick? Put it on my bill! Towels can't tell jokes, they have dry senses of humor. What did the buffalo say to his son going away to college? Bison! What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds! What's the U.S.A's favorite soda?Mini soda! The bicycle couldn't be ridden because it was two tired! The car wasn't up for being driven because it was completely exhausted!

It was a bit warm, but the store across the street looked like it had an ice machine, with a sign posted on it. I said “hey go check out if that is really an ice machine.” So my buddy walks over, takes a look at the sign and comes back, shaking his head.

“So, what is it?” I ask.

“No dice, not ice notice.”

I said ‘I’m only 40 Love!

She was an Ace!

So there's a farmer relaxing on his porch one evening, watching the road in front of his house. A little bunny rabbit hops out of the woods onto the road, just sniffing around.

Well all of a sudden a bright red convertible roars up. There's no time for the rabbit to doge, and the convertible squashes it into a roadkill pancake!

The convertible screeches to a halt down the road a bit, and out hops a blonde. She dances wildly around the bunny's corpse saying things like "oh my gosh" and "I think I killed it" and "I hope this doesn't go on my insurance", then she runs back to her car and grabs a spray can of something and starts going to town with it on the rabbit. I mean this pancake bunnyrabbit corpse is simply soaked in whatever she's spraying it with. She empties the entire can, throws it on the side of the road and runs back to her car.

After she peels out, there's a pause, and then the rabbit comes back to life! It reinflates, hops up and looks around, dazed, and then it waves at the farmer!! It hops down the road a little, turns back, and waves again! This continues until it's out of sight.

Well the farmer is understandably flabbergasted, so he runs over to where there had just been a rabbit pancake to look at what was in the can.

He picks it up, and reads it. It says "Hare restorer and permanent wave."

This is a compilation from the internet, and a few I made or heard myself. Hope you laugh!

^((Elephant Jokes were a thing from the 1960s. You can read about them on Wikipedia.))

^((Each section should be read all at once, in order. Some sections also reference previous sections. ))

Mouse

Q: Why did the elephant run from the mouse?

A: Because it had a bazooka.

Q: Why did the mouse chase the elephant?

A: To steal the bazooka.

Toenails

Q: Why did the elephant paint its toenails red?

A: So it could hide in a cherry tree.

Q: Have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree?

A: Works, doesn't it?

Q: How can you tell if an elephant is hiding in a cherry tree?

A: Tickle the cherries and see if they laugh.

Q: What's the loudest sound in the jungle?

A: A giraffe eating cherries.

Q: How can you tell if there have been elephants in your fridge?

A: There are footprints in the custard.

Q: Why do elephants paint their toenails yellow?

A: That's not paint, it's custard.

Q: Why do elephants paint their toenails red, blue, green, orange, yellow, and brown?

A: So they can hide in a bag of M&Ms.

Q: How did the mouse break his back?

A: He tried to carry a bag of M&Ms home from the store.

Oak Trees

Q: How do you get an elephant on top of an oak tree?

A: Stand him on an acorn and wait fifty years.

Q: What if you don't want to wait fifty years?

A: Parachute him from an airplane.

Q: Why isn't it safe to climb oak trees between 1 and 2 in the afternoon?

A: Because that is when the elephants practice their parachute jumping.

Q: Why did the elephant fall out of the oak tree?

A: Because it was dead.

Q: Why did the second elephant fall out of the oak tree?

A: It was glued to the first one.

Q: Why did the third elephant fall out of the oak tree?

A: It thought it was a game.

Q: And why did the oak tree fall down?

A: It thought it was an elephant.

Q: Why is it dangerous to walk in the forest between 3 and 4 in the afternoon?

A: That's when the elephants fall out of the oak trees.

Q: What is a furry alligator?

A: A bear that crossed the woods at 3:30 in the afternoon.

Under the Bed

Q: How can you tell if there’s an elephant under your bed?

A: Your nose is touching the ceiling.

Q: How can you tell if there's an elephant in your bed?

A: He has a big 'E' on hi

Save them to your Phone and always have witty jokes at the palm of your hand.

3.14 percent of sailors are pi-rates.

5/4 of people admit they’re bad at fractions.

A bartender broke up with her boyfriend, but he kept asking her for another shot.

A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. “I’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please,” it says. “Sorry, but I can’t serve you,” the bartender replies. “You’re out of your head.”

A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'

A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people: the student, his mama, and his pauper.

A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. “We don’t serve your kind here,” the bartender says. “Why not?” one yogurt asks. “We’re cultured.”

A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.

A friend of mine is known for sweeping girls off their feet. He’s an extremely aggressive janitor.

A guy walks into a bar, and there’s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before?” The guy says, “It’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place.”

A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.

A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, “What’s with the paper towel?” The pirate says, “Arrr! I’ve got a Bounty on me head!”

A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”

Armed robbers—some say they’re a drain on society, but you’ve got to give it to them.

Barbers…you have to take your hat off to them.

Can February March? No, but April May!

Cooking out this weekend? Don’t forget the pickle. It’s kind of a big dill.

Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don't think they'll fit me.

Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.

Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut!

Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up.

Daughter: I have a lot of friends named Nathan. There’s Nathan Miller, Nathan Radcliff, Nathan Lewis… Me: When they are together, do you call them the United Nathans?

Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.

Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!

Did you hear about the aquatic sea mammals that escape

He goes up to the teller, noticing her name is Patricia wack, he says hi Patty, my name is Kermit Jagger, my father is Mick Jagger, he knows the manager here, I'd like to take out a loan of 30K to go on a holiday.

Patty says for that type of loan we're going to need some kind of collateral.

Kermit says sure, and pulls out a little pink elephant, all shiny and perfectly formed....

Patty takes the elephant and goes out the back to talk to the manager.

She says to the manager, there's a frog at the counter named Kermit Jagger asking for a loan, he says his dad knows you and he presented this.

She asks the manager what the little pink elephant was...

The manager replies, it's a knick knack, patty wack, give the frog a loan, his old man's a rolling stone!

**Credit Kerry "skull" O'Keefe - funny ex Australian Cricketer now funny Australian cricket commentator.

They start chatting and the Gen Z kid says that social justice issues are the biggest problem facing the world, and that the white supremacist patriarchy is a plague on society. > The boomer waves this off and says the kids these days are just too sensitive, and that he fought for civil rights in the sixties and did his part.

They go back and forth on this for a while, and finally the Gen Z kid says, "we're just not gonna settle this. We don't see eye to eye. You're too old and out of touch and I'm too young and inexperienced. What we need to do is ask a Millennial with a PhD in sociology for their opinion."

The boomer says, "that's a great idea!" And yells, "HEY BARTENDER, C'MERE!"

They are a bunch of losers

One of the natives asks him if it's going to be a cold winter. Takoda, being a new chief, doesn't know the tricks of determining the weather from the animals, clouds, trees, etc. but he also doesn't want to look naive so he says "yes I think it's going to be cold, so gather some wood." The townspeople thus head out to get wood.

When all the townspeople leave, the chief calls the weather station and asks if it's going to be a cold winter in Nyuktuk. The guy at the weather office says "hold on a second." He comes back and says "yes it appears like it will be a cold winter."

When the townspeople come back Takoda says to them "it's going to be a colder weather than I first thought. Go gather more wood."

So the townspeople head out to get more wood. But the chief is still not sure. So he calls back the weather station and asks if they are sure. The weatherman says "one second" then comes back on and says "it's definitely going to be a cold winter." So when the townspeople return, Chief Takoda tells them to go out and gather all the wood they can find.

But after they all the townspeople leave, the chief is still not sold. So he calls the weather station and asks if they are sure it's going to be cold in Nyuktuk. The weatherman says that not only will it be cold but it likely will be one of the coldest winters on record. "But how do you know?" the chief asks. The weatherman says "because the Indians are gathering wood like crazy."

After standing in line for a moment he comes up to a teller with the name tag Patrica Wack who asked him what he was looking for.

The frog takes a moment and says, “I’d like a loan of a million dollars.”

Patrica look at him in utter shock and says, “But you’re a frog… what is your collateral? How are you going to pay it back?”

The frog waits for her to stop speaking then states simply, “My father is Mick Jagger.”

“How can you prove it?“ Patrica instantly responded.

Responding to her incredulity, the frog pulls out a small porcelain porcupine and places it in front of her, allowing a moment of inspection. Soon she asks, “What does this mean?” Looking to the frog for an explanation.

“Ask your boss,” He says. “he’ll know.”

Then, without waiting even a moment he turned on his heels and walked out of the bank. Patrica, dumbfounded by the strange interaction put the small porcupine to the side of her desk and waited for the end of the day…

—————————

At the end of the day Patrica went to her boss and recounted the whole strange story about the frog and handed her boss the porcupine, asking, “So what is it anyway?”

Her boss looked at the small porcupine for a moment then looked back up at her before responding,

“That’s a knickknack Patty Wack, give that frog a loan, his old man’s a rolling stone.”

P.S. While it may not exactly be a dad joke as expected, I did hear it from my father, who put great emphasis into the importance of the story. Hope y’all enjoyed.

They crept in. It was pitch black and stone quiet. They were suddenly starting to regret this dare. Stupidly, only one brought a flash light. The aggressive darkness and inky black yielded with grudging compliance but always seeming to push back. They moved cautiously onward amid the dust and cobwebs. The floor creaked. They breathed in tight, quick breaths. You could hear a pin drop.

Suddenly, there was a deep moan. "OOOOOOOOUUUUU". It seemed from below them. The house had been abandoned for years. Who or what could make such a sound? The boys looked at each other, but continued on, hearts pounding in their chests.

As they proceeded into the kitchen they encountered a swarm of flies. Buzzing and beating their necks and faces, they rushed and stumbled to the door, not stopping to see what they were truly feasting on. They slammed the door behind them. Maybe a body? But no way were they going back to find out. And again came the sound, "ooooOOOOOooooOOUUU" but louder this time, and closer.

They proceeded through the dark into the dining room. They saw a fully set dining table covered in cob webs. Dust-covered regal-looking glasses, goblets and silverware adorned the table. Spiders climbed on ivory plates. Clearly a house of privilege and set for a grand feast which never happened.

Or, perhaps, met a fatal end?

They pushed on. But again that unearthly howl.

"oooooOOOOOOOOOOOUuuuuUUUUuuUUOOOOooo".

They found the basement staircase, and from below, the sounds seemed to be emanating. Could they proceed? Would they? Did they dare? Two of the boys looked at each other, faces filled with worry.

But the third said, confidently, "We're going down there." Not wanting to seem the weaker, the other two boys steeled themselves and nodded.

The stairs creaked and groaned evily under their feet. The rickety banister shook in angry defiance. Insects and vermin scattered underneath them with every step. They were descending into hell, they knew, but none would turn back.

And the sound: "oOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUuuuuUUOOOO". Now loud enough to fill not only their heads but seeming to claw at their very souls!

Now at the basement door! The antique, crying squeak of the hinges eeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEee made the boys wince and almost cover their ears. But they had to know. WHAT is making that horrible, terrible sound?

"ooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUoooooUUUUUUUOOOOOOO"

In the center of the basement lay an unholy coffin! A twisted artistic expression of murder, decay and

He asks his driver on his way to the airport if he could drive around for a while because they have time to kill and he hasn't driven a car since becoming the pope.

Naturally, he's a bit rusty, so he's driving poorly, when suddenly he sees police lights behind him. He pulls over and when the officer comes up to the window his eyes go wide. He says to the pope "Hold on for a minute," and goes back to his car to radio the chief.

Cop: "Chief we have a situation. I've pulled over an important figure."

Chief: "How important? A governor or something?"

Cop: "No sir. He's bigger."

Chief: "So, what? a celebrity or something?"

Cop: "More important, sir."

Chief: "A major politician?"

Cop: "No sir, he's much more important."

Chief: "WELL WHO IS IT!?"

Cop: "Well actually I'm not sure. But the pope's his driver."

One of the basses said, “Wait, last night we came back a couple minutes late and missed our entrance. How can we make sure that doesn’t happen tonight?”

Another bass said, “Don’t worry, I tied the pages of the conductor’s music together with a piece of string between the 3rd and 4th movement. It will take him a couple minutes to get it untied, so that will buy us a couple extra minutes to get back.”

So, they go next door to the bar, and with their newfound plan, they decide to drink even more and again lose track of time.

The third movement comes to a close, and the basses start staggering onto stage as the conductor is struggling with the string in his music. And of course, at this point, the crowd is on the edge of their seats…

It’s the bottom of the ninth, the score is tied, and the basses are loaded.

Right so there's this farmer yeah and he's obsessed with tractors. His whole live revolves around them. He eats, sleeps and dreams tractors, but one day his wife is killed in a tragic tractor accident. The farmer decides he's had enough and completely strips tractors from his life, moves off the farm and tries to move on without his wife and love of tractors

Years later he's going on a blind date with a woman he met online. The dates going well when all of a sudden the restaurant bursts into flames! Everyone's panicking trying to put the fire out when the farmer stands up and takes a huge breath in, sucking in all the fire and smoke. He runs outside and releases all of the smoke into the air and saves the restaurant. Everyone's amazed at what the farmer has just done as they thank him and go back to their meals. His date sits back down on complete shock and says 'that was amazing how did you do that?!'

The farmer looks her in the eyes tearing up and says 'I'm an ex tractor fan'.

Edit: Title spelling

I am not joking (ironically).

My dad is tech savvy but not social media savvy so he doesn’t understand how to use Reddit. A while back he discovered those Reddit text to speech bots that post podcasts on places like Spotify or Amazon music of posts from this subreddit. He’s always been one to like to listen to audiobooks and podcasts but this has gotten out of control. We cannot go a single DAY in my household without my dad finding some way to shoehorn a joke he found on this subreddit into conversation. It has gotten to the point where my mom gets angry that the setup make her nervous or upset but then got the rug pulled out when she heard the punchline. My friends know of my dads shenanigans and will laugh every time they can tell I got bamboozled while on the phone. It’s been nearly a year and he’s out of control. Our immediate family knows but does not understand the sheer scale of these shenanigans. We argue because my mom thinks it’s crazy and excessive, but deep down I think it’s adorable.

TL;DR - this subreddit has accidentally turned my dad into the dad joke monster thanks to Reddit TTS bots.

Sofishticated.

My book about clocks just come in the mail. It's about time.

6:30 is the best time, hands down.

What is the best time to go to the dentist? Tooth hurtie.

What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence? Time to get a new fence.

How do you know is a clock is hungry? It goes back four seconds.

Why did the child throw the clock out of the window? He wanted to see time fly.

What is a belt made of clocks called? A waist of time.

Why should you never eat a clock? It is far too time-consuming.

One clock was reading a clocks biography, a written work about a persons life not written by them. It was second hand information.

What kind of candy is never on time? Choco-late.

Slightly long story. Tl:dr had to blurt out a couple of quick Dad Jokes today and nailed it.

Longer version I was wearing my favorite shirt today, in big letters it says: “DAD JOKES: that’s how EYE ROLL”… we were ate a state park with a lake, nice family spot. Near the parking lot at a busy trail crossing on our way in some random guy says “I used to work at the Pepsi factory but I got canned.” It took me a beat or two to realize he was talking to me, our groups had passed each other so I turned back and said “I got fired from the orange juice factory. I couldn’t concentrate!” Everyone laughed and off we went.

Hours later on our way back to the parking lot, same trail crossing. Random (different) guy turns to me and says “Why did Norway put barcodes on the side of their ships?” Ready for that one (thanks r/dadjokes) I respond with “So they can Scandinavian!” The pressure is on, so I turned back and said “What’s a pirates favorite letter?” He says “Arrr” of course. I said “What’s his second favorite letter?” No answer so I give them “P - because it’s like R but is missing a leg!”

Everyone laughs, as we go our separate ways I heard someone in their group say “Oh, he was good!” Perfect day!

Thanks for listening, I just had to share. Always be ready with a couple quick ones!

My daughter and I have been trading these. Here is our current list - would love to hear more!

1. I lost my job at the chess factory. I couldn’t work knights.
2. I lost my job at the bank. A lady asked me to check her balance so I pushed her over.
3. I lost my job at the keyboard factory. I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
4. I lost my job at the calendar factory. I took too many days off.
5. I lost my job as a maze designed. I got lost in my work.
6. I lost my job as an electrician. I was shocked!
7. I lost my job as a psychic. I didn’t see it coming!
8. I lost my job at the funeral home. Apparently, the options are “cremation” or “burial,” not “smoking” or “non-smoking.”
9. I lost my job as an astronomer. I thought my work was looking up!
10. I lost my job as a cyber criminal. I couldn’t hack it.
11. I lost my job as a human cannonball. I got fired!
12. I lost my job as a garbage collector. I had no training but I thought I would pick it up as I go.
13. I lost my job as a math teacher, same job I’ve had since 2000. That’s 46 years down the drain!
14. I lost my job in pool maintenance. It was too draining.
15. I lost my job as a fisherman. I didn’t make enough net income.
16. I lost my job as a baker. I really kneaded the dough!
17. I lost my job as a historian. There was no future in it.
18. I lost my job as a tour guide in Australia. I did not have the right koalafications.
19. I lost my job at the upholstery repair shop. I may never recover.
20. I lost my job as a massage therapist. I rubbed people the wrong way.
21. I lost my job as a seamstress. And I tried sew hard.
22. I lost my job as a musician. I just wasn’t noteworthy.
23. I lost my job at the unemployment office. And I still need to go back there tomorrow.
24. I lost my job feeding giraffes. I just wasn’t up to it.
25. I lost my job as a water slide attendant. My career is going down the tubes.
26. I lost my job at the paper shredding factory. It was a tearable job.
27. I lost my job as a drummer. I’m sure there will be repercussions.
28. I lost my job as a pole vaulter. I'll never get over it.
29. I lost my job as a pet groomer. I couldn’t make heads or tails of it.
30. I lost my job as a pastry tester. That job was a piece of cake.
31. I lost my job as a mirror inspector. I could see myself doing that for a long time.
32. I lost my job as a yoga instructor. I bent over backwards for them.
33. I lost my job at Dunkin. It’s ok, I was fed up wit