“I love my job!” exclaimed the farmer. “All you do is boss me around all day!” complained one of his sheep. “What did you say?” challenged the farmer. The sheep glared back and growled...
So my wife is getting some medical tests done (we’re expecting our second child) and had to bring home a urine sample cup to fill up and bring back to the clinic the next day.
She asks me to bring it drop it off at the lab for her and I ask, “where do I drop it off?”
She says, “Go in the front door and there’s a little desk that you -“
“Don’t you mean a LITTLE STOOL!?”
... I hope you guys enjoy that as much as I did. True story happened today!
“Back in the day...” my dad started to say. “You could walk into a grocery store with $2 in your pocket and walk out with a loaf of bread, a dozen eggs and a bit of butter as well. But today...” he lamented...
“Wherever you go, there are those darn cameras!"
Ordered a vacuum a few days back. Good quality, though the product was a little sucky.
https://preview.redd.it/05c4ayjw55m51.png?width=288&format=png&auto=webp&s=40eb4d62a8ab9c00eac11c75f34ac611a41c910d
I am having a really bad day, somebody ripped the front and back pages out of my dictionary.
It just goes from Bad to Worse!
Where did they manufacture smells back in the day?
"Egg-plant" shirt by me. Never got why the vegetable was called that until I found out that they used to be white and look like goose eggs back in the day
I was reminded of the time’s when I was a child the other day. My dad is to stick us in tires and roll us down the hills in the back yard....
Those were the GOODYEARS.
I just got back from a long day of duck hunting, so I decided to put my feet up and have my favorite snack.
Back in the old days only the rich could afford automobiles while the common people had horses. Now only the richest have horses while almost everyone has an automobile.
My how the stables have turned.
My brother-in-law, a clinical psychologist, says he is cutting back the days and hours of his work week.
In short his practice is shrinking.
The other day I was driving by a prison and an unusually small person was scaling down the wall. I looked up at him confused as he sneered back at me.
And I thought to myself, well that’s a little condescending.
sorry it’s a repost of myself. My original post got removed for hate speech and harassment
Back in the day when sparrows had names, sparrows named Gus wouldn’t fare too well.
People love eating Asparagus.
In honor of my father for Father’s Day, I’m going to tack you back to the 1990’s. This is rural southern America please read in southern accent.
Me: Daddy I’m thirsty!
My dad: Hi thirsty I’m Fridy lets go Saturdy and get a Sundy.
I’m sure it’s not original but it makes me laugh to think of how I was making my dad insane asking for a DRIIINNNKKK and he would always come back with this.
Back in the day, I used to be a madlad. Then I had a child....
That’s when I became a dadlad
Today while discussing game meats and a kangaroo stew I made a few years back, my coworker pointed out that with the Australian wild fires you won’t be able to get much kangaroo meat these days...
My reply without missing a beat — you’ll be able to buy it, you just won’t be able to buy it rare.
Can you imagine a Native American Easter egg hunt back in colonial days?
Sorry but this has been at the back of my mind for 2 days
I teach elementary special Ed, and my co-teacher and I joke back and forth all day. This is our most recent best.
Co-teacher: "Students name" came in and said he lost his throat.
Me: Oh no! Did he check where he last remembered having it?
Co-teacher: He couldn't say.
“Back in my day, terrorists used to...”
Back in the old days you could send whatever you wanted to, to someone and they’d take you seriously, they’d believe you cause
Whenever I lie down on my new bed, all the embarrassing moments of my high school days come flooding back to me.
I shouldn’t have bought the repressed memory foam mattress.
I used to make loads of bad jokes back in the day
Y'know, the day after Thanksgiving always brings back memories of an old friend of mine who was addicted to Thanksgiving leftovers
He's okay now though, he quit cold turkey
Salmon are born in a river, swim out to sea for most of their lives, and then one day years later swim back against insurmountable odds to the very spot where they were born.
And I can’t find my car in the parking lot.
Back in the day before recliners were invented..
.. People weren't very laid back.
Had my wallet in my back pocket the other day...
... Right as I was sitting down, I let one rip right on my wallet. Didn't smell too good, but hey, at least now I have gas money for the week...
My mother has always been a staunch supporter of the LGBT movement. In fact, back in the 80s, she even told me that one day, “out and proud” people would have an entire month of celebration!
Mama said there’d be gays like this!
Happy Pride Month, y’all. :D
I ordered some art prints weeks back and now I keep thinking that one day my prints will come.
The other day, I tried to get a water feeling reptile that smoked weed back to its home, but it attacked me.
I'm not good with crock pots.
Back in the day, I really really wanted a SNES for Christmas, but never got one.
My grandma was a detergent hand model back in the day...
On the other hand, she had warts.
Today is gonna be the day that they're gonna grow it back to you,
One day my left ear stopped working. About an hour later my hearing came back.
I guess you could say I had a near deaf experience.
My dad told me that back in the day, Jesus had a habit of leaving doors open all the time.
It’s like he was born in a barn or something.
Back in my day we only had 25 letters in the alphabet
Back in my day...
Pluto was a planet and Saturn was a car.
An owl flew into the back of my wife's head the other day
She never Saw-whet coming.
My son came up to me the other day asking for the biggest newest iPhone because all his friends had one. I turned to my wife and immediately told her I got my blood test results back I got done earlier in the week.
I turn back to my son and say “it turns out, I’m not made of money”.
“Back in the day...” my grandfather started to say. “You could walk into a grocery store with $2 in your pocket and walk out with a loaf of bread, a dozen eggs and a bit of butter as well.”
“But today...” he continued. “Wherever you go, there are cameras...”
Back in the day...
my grandfather started to say. You could walk into a grocery store with $2 in your pocket and walk out with a loaf of bread, a dozen eggs and a block of butter as well. But today... he continued. Wherever you go, there are security cameras everywhere
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