What was the cannibal given after he showed up late to the dinner party?
A man goes to a beekeeper and asks for 12 bees. He counts, and sees he has been given 13....
“Sir, you gave me an extra!” he says. The beekeeper replies “Oh, that’s a freebie”
What do you say to a woman who has given birth to members of the military?
Thank you for your cervix.
No Concrete Answer Given.
I've given up on reprimanding my floating safety markers
Keep in mind that given all of this year's events, Thanksgiving dinner can get heated
It can get re-heated the next day as well
What do you call a cow who’s just given birth?
I've finally given up on finding a name for my window coverings made from bug spray...
I call the search Off! It's curtains for that quest!
A guy in work asked why my son had given up his flying lessons.
I told him pilot jobs aren't really taking off at the moment.
My friend Ty came first in the Beijing marathon, but he wasn’t given the gold medal.
The Chinese authorities refuse to recognize Ty Won.
When firefighters lose their jobs, are they fired or given the axe?
What kind of a government would Authors form if given a chance?
An authoritative write winged government.
Given social distancing regulations, a ton of condiment companies are being forced to cancel July 4th campaigns like sponsored concerts, where they planned to hand out signature color sunglasses to attendees.
Bad idea, Heinz-Sight 2020.
What do you call a warning given out by a rattlesnake?
What is a superhero name given to someone who never misses with a chalk?
Shania Twain has given birth to a baby boy.
Choo Choo, was born at 3:30pm today weighing 6lb 8oz.
My colleagues at work have given me the nickname “Mr. Compromise.”
It’s not my first choice, but I’m ok with it.
At graduation the psychiatrist was given a wicker attache
It was his first basket case
If given a choice of eating a sandwich in the park or watching the Nickelodeon Network all day, what would you do?
I thought this was appropriate given our current circumstances. One of those jokes that makes you stop and chuckle.
I felt bad for eating my Jewish friend's coin shaped chocolate candy he had purchased to given his children at Hanukkah...
Pangs of gelt haunt me to this day!
I asked for 12 bees at my local pet store. The owner gave me 13 bees. I said “you’ve given me 1 to many!” The owner said...
...”That one is a freebie!”
I hpe he is happy (credits given in the post)
The COVID-19 quarantine has finally given me the chance to organize my books.
From best to toilet paper.
Given the state of the world today , I don’t have Great Expectations for my children.
I got them all the other Dickens’ books though.
To all the women who have given birth to bring life into the world:
Thank you for your cervix.
I say my secret superpower is detecting Indian flatbread in any given room.
My friends all say it's naan-sense.
What did the ignorant man say when he heard the Corona virus had been given a new name by the world health organisation
In a Spanish spelling bee for English words, the contestant is given the word “Socks”
The contestant spells it right and the judge replies:
“Eso si que es.
I've asked so many people what LGBTQ stands for
Nobody has given me a straight answer
After my wife had given birth to our baby, the nurse asked me, "Do you have a name yet?"
I said, "Yes. Steve."
She said, "Awww! That's a lovely name!"
"Thanks." I said. "But what do you think we should call the baby?"
A dad is given bad news by a doctor...
Doctor: Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards.
Dad: AND?
I was convicted for stealing a calendar.
At any given moment, the urge to sing, “The Lion Sleeps Tonight”...
...is just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away.
Sitting in a presentation being given by mathematicians right now.
It is very by the numbers.
I’ve given up asking rhetorical questions.
Imagine a world where monkeys have given up tobacco.
My first official dad joke!!!
So my 1st Born came into this world on Monday night and we were discharged on Thursday. Upon leaving our room, we were given a metal cart to place our belongings on including our son (in his car seat). As we made our way to the garage, I noticed that when the cart was rolling his car seat would rock a bit. I took this opportunity to exclaim “hey (son’s name) you’re really rockin’ ‘n’ rollin’ now.” My wife then truly realized what is in store for her.
I just got given 7 parking tickets in 60 minutes
What do you call an otter who's just given birth?
In recent news, a giant had a troubling discovery when he returned home from work.
After discovering he'd been given a parking ticket, the giant exclaimed in disappointment as he approached his house. This startled a burglar inside, causing him to flee from the property but not before trapping his stubby digit in the door, causing him to leave blood at the scene. Thankfully, the giant's powerful nasal abilities allowed him to aid police as he was able to detected the exact nationality and gender of the robber in question. When interviewed, the giant simplified the story for us by saying,
"Fee, Fie, Foe, Thumb, I smell the blood of an English Man."
Given my experience, I’m not the best at giving advice when it comes to tequila.
So you all have to take it with a grain of salt.
My friend Ty came in first in the Beijing marathon, but was not given the gold medal.
The Chinese refuse to recognize Ty won.
What do you call a cow that’s just given birth?
I’ve asked so many people what LGBTQ stands for
So far no one has given me a straight answer
My friend Ty came first in a swimming competition in Beijing, but he wasn’t given a gold medal.
The Chinese refuse to acknowledge Ty won.
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