Can anybody give me some advice to help me removing ice from my windshield? I just tried with a discount card I had In my pocket
When I was digging through the wardrobe on the weekend, I managed to find a present for the kids that I wrapped in a box last year and forgot to give them. Bargain
Can't wait to see their faces when they realize they have a puppy.
What kind of a prize do you give someone who hasn't moved a muscle in a year?
Met a suspicious guy in a graveyard trying to give me a watch.
The fact a body was attached to it made it a dead giveaway.
I was working in our store when my son called me over and said, “Two guys came in and tried to give me some fake fifty dollar bills.” I asked. “What did they look like?” He replied...
Why do referees in professional rugby always give penalties against chickens?
Because they always award against professional fowls.
Did you hear about the seafood restaurant that will give you calamari in exchange for money?
They practice squid pro quo.
I got into an argument with someone I thought was a "birds aren't real" supporter. I'm an idiot; they were just messing with me and they made some amazing bird puns along the way that deserve attention. The link to the post is in the comments so you can go give the user karma and see the context.
https://preview.redd.it/n7zvpwxkj6m51.png?width=1280&format=png&auto=webp&s=54f0549ebd3c055929698d6fef3bc05782bf5282
The wife was asking for recognition over the labours she endured for me, in order to give me my two kids...
So I thanked her for her cervix.
My boss asked me, "Why do you come out in rashes every time I give you your wages ?"
I said, "Because I am allergic to peanuts."
I give myself 30 minutes in my daily schedule to do abs.
I call that time period Crunch Time.
First child born in a couple of weeks so I thought to give it the good ol try. Sometimes when I’m down I go to the mall and use the elevator.
So it can lift me up and make my day better.
I tried to OC.
As we sat down for lunch, I proudly announced to my daughter, "Little known fact, the first French fries weren’t actually cooked in France!" Unimpressed, she ignored me and kept eating. Not being one to give up, I continued...
"Nope, they were cooked in Greece!"
My dad was telling me about his doctor’s appointment today. He needed to get some vaccines, but because of Covid he would have to go to the office and they would give them to him in his car.
He said he was going to be involved in a drive by shooting.
What do you call the kid in class that always demands the teacher give the exam results ASAP?
Why does NASA give astronauts pencils to use in space?
Because they've got the Write Stuff.
Made my first dad joke in awaiting my wife to give birth.
Back story... sitting in the garden, social distancing bbq. One of our mates has a baby who was looking for food and such. I came out with a pack of skips crisp. Baby’s mum said ‘gotta be careful, it’s got salt in it’,
To my amazement I said ‘ they contain salt!’
To which my partner replies... why do u think there so addictive’
With out thinking i spluted’ so if I put salt on my dick it will be ad-dick-tive!
No one laughed but me.
I told my son if he farted in the car he would have to give me 10$ of his 100$ monthly allowance.
I always get my 10 Per-Scent
Always give 100% in life.
Except if you are giving blood.
Whenever I find a difficult level on a game I give up and go search for a walkthrough in order to clear it.
I really should get past this phase.
I was scheduled to teach a course in Origami, but then decided to give up.
When the cashier gives your change only in smallest cents in the country
Why are you so re-cent-ful of me?
I had to give a guard a toy before I was allowed to go fishing in the lake...
I guess that's the Fisher Price.
Before my operation last week, the nurse wanted to know if I could give them a contact number in case of an emergency...
I'd give my left bladder to be better in anatomy class.
My wife and I got in a big argument over how she wanted to give birth.
It was our first midwife crisis.
Why did the nurse give Viagra to all the old men in the nursing home?
.
.
.
To keep them from rolling over and falling off the bed. Kick stand.
I was going to give the lady in Lavaridge her Pokemon back..
But I thought, "Wynaut? I'll just keep it."
After years of trying I have decided to give up on my life long dream of becoming a world renowned spaghetti chef. It’s time to move on and stop living in ...
I used to work in a muffler shop, but I had to give it up...
because it was exhausting.
If you give Dwayne Johnson an athletic slap in the butt
You’re hitting rock bottom
What do you give a cow that's in pain?
What sucks you in and gives you nothing in return!?
As a struggling dry alcoholic, I had a few dreams where I didn't give in to drinking last night
People who give me dirty looks when I breastfeed in public need to stop
What I'm doing is natural and it strengthens the bond I have between me and my girlfriend
I don't c the point in alaphabet jokes but, a I guess u got to give m a chance
this joke is so bad that it deserves an f
Some nice wood in my mouth always gives me a buzz...
So I was given the ability to fly the other day, decided to give it a whirl over the pacific. Little did I know how tired I was getting but just in the knick of time I saw a remote location that looked deserted off the coast, so what do I do?
In the song “The devil went down to Georgia”, what did the devil give Johnny?
A u-seless fiddle (sorry if you haven’t heard the song, check it out, is lovely).
So, I was very nervous because while my wife was on labor in our car, going to the hospital, we still had not decided what name to give our son. We never made it to the hospital, but the incident helped us to name our son.
Judge: I've decided to give your ex $3,000 in child support.
Me: Thank you, your honor. I'll also try to give her something myself.
So I bought tickets to the new football game but my wife is expecting to give birth that evening is anyone interested in being at the birth?
I was rushing to the hospital because my wife was about to give birth. We didn’t make it there in time and she gave birth to a boy in my car.
I decided to call him Carson.
What kind of prize do you give someone who hasn't moved a muscle in over a year?
What kind of prize do you give someone who hasn't moved a muscle in over a year?
What kind of prize do you give someone who hasn't moved a muscle in over a year?
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