Me: Son, that Scarecrow over there is the best you can get. Son: How do you know that?
Me: Because he’s out standing in his field.
An old guy goes to the chemist and asks the pharmacist, "Is there some pills that can help with sex?" The pharmacist says, "Yes, Viagra, it's awesome, I take it myself" The old guy asks, "Can you get it over the counter?" Pharmacist replies, "If I took 2 or 3, probably."
To get over my divorce, I keep telling myself 25 letters of the alphabet
Avoiding the X helps a lot
What do you call a scandal concerning a rich engineer where the list of accusations only gets longer and longer over time?
I went to see a psychiatrist to get over my crippling fear of palindromes.
The bastard put me on Xanax!
I might get stabbed over this:
The therapist said I can get over my fear of buffets....
But first, I've got to want to help myself .
When I was in high school in Belleville, ON, a young local artist spray-painted a beautiful picture on a large concrete wall under a bridge by the Moira river. He didn't get permission to do this, however, and the city eventually painted over it.
Watching his picture go like that must've been pretty demuralizing.
This has been a crazy year. After everything that has happened though do you want to know the one thing that I can’t get over ?
I figured out how to get over someone
Now i know this usually isnt the subreddit to post this, but I met this dude here and i don’t know how else to reach him. We talked for a small bit and he told me he wanted to kill himself over a girl that left him, so if you’re reading this please know that if you still need to get over her: use a ladder
Why couldn't the crocodile get over his ex wife?
He was stuck in de Nile :(
Guy gets pulled over for running a stop sign. He says to the cop “give me a break man, I slowed down.” The cop starts beating on the guy and says...
“So... do you want me to slow down or do you want me to stop?”
A drunk dude decided to drive and get more beer. After being pulled over and questioned by the cop, the cop said “ sir I’m going to have to put you under arrest.” The guy then said
My downstairs neighbor complains that whenever I eat Doritos on my porch, it gets all over him on his patio. As usual, he's exaggerating.
He just has a chip on his shoulder.
When I turned 16, my dad told me it was time to get a job. “When I was your age, my very first job I had I worked with over 500 people under me.”...
“Wow!” I said. “Was it some big corporation?”
“No.” He replied, “I mowed the lawn in the cemetery.”
Why did the farmer get pulled over after planting his field?
A woman driving a minivan with 7 hyperactive kids gets pulled over for running a red light. The cop says “Don’t you know when to stop?” The woman says...
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
My neighbor came over again to tell me about his new lawn, so I told him to get lost.
I’ve heard enough of his sod stories.
My girlfriend and I broke up at summer camp. We got into an argument over which canoe to get take.
She got in one and I the other. Then we just drifted apart.
(I know my font is annoying plz get over it)
The neighbour's dog pooped in our yard, so my wife told me to get the shovel and toss it over their fence.
But that didn't solve anything.
Now the neighbours have my shovel and someone still has to pick up the poop in our yard.
Max Planck and Zeno of Elea get into a huge bar fight over a slight disagreement. Who won?
I’ll tell you what often gets over looked
What do you get when a cow jumps over an electrified barbed-wire fence?
Today I was wearing a shirt with the family crest of my favorite painter Frida Kahlo. After a few hours I started to get hungry and ordered takeout. When my delivery person arrived he handed over my food without taking any money for bringing it to me. I asked him “How come there’s no charge?”
He replied: I was going to charge you, but I noticed you had Frida Livery”
A family gets a rabbit, and friend comes over.
Friend: So what are you gonna name him?
Dad: It's a hare, actually.
My favorite way to get together with old friends is over burgers
I like to meat and ketchup
If I go bald, I'm going to get rabbits tattooed all over my head.
Because, from a distance, they'll look like hares.
My brother gets in car accidents all the time, but today he turned over a new Leaf
I had a terrifying experience with my therapist after trying to get over of my reoccurring nightmares with the Backstreet Boys. Me: I'm terrified of the Backstreet Boys
People don’t like having to bend over to get their drinks
We really need to raise the bar.
True story: my daughter was playing a pet-salon game on her iPad and said to me: "Hey dad, I've just worked out that if you just brush their teeth over and over you get experience points faster." To which I replied: "You shouldn't grind your teeth."
As I was preparing breakfast for my sons, they both said they wanted pancakes. As the first batch was almost finished, they began to argue over who would get the first pancake…
I said, “If Jesus were sitting here, he would say, ‘Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.’”
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, “Ryan, you be Jesus!"
I keep telling this girl who works on a farm to get over the loss of her favorite cow.
But she couldn't put it pasture.
What do you get when the sunrise bends over
two pig get pulled over by police
I hate it when my washing gets Lindt all over it!!
Went to see my doc to get small squares drawn all over me.
There was a farmer selling his produce at the side of the road, I pulled over as I was a bit hungry to get an apple. I noticed he also sold paracetamol and cough medicine. I asked him "why do you sell drugs?"
He said "I'm a farmer see"
People said that I'd never get over my obsession with Phil Collins...
But take a look at me now.
Why did Mr. Potato Head get pulled over?
What do you get when a cow jumps over a barbed wire fence?
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