My wife asked me to go get some milk

My wife: can you go out and get a gallon of milk, if they have oranges get 5

Me: *comes home with 5 gallons of milk"

My wife:???

Me: they had oranges...

πŸ‘︎ 54
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/loot98
πŸ“…︎ Apr 13 2021
🚨︎ report
How do you get your child excited to go to church?

Tell them they are going to the prayground

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/tygerhavvk
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2021
🚨︎ report
What do you get when a bunch of male deer go into outer space ?

Starbucks

πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Amart1985
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2021
🚨︎ report
Where did the space robot go to get a drink?

The spacebar

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ncarlton43
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2021
🚨︎ report
If you ever get the chance to go to India

You have to try their New Delhi

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Nickatier_Carbs
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2021
🚨︎ report
Where does a dog go to get a new tail?

A Retail store!

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ramichaud
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2021
🚨︎ report
I asked my son to go get me a phone book. He laughed, called me a dinosaur, and handed me his iPhone.

The spider is dead, the iPhone screen is cracked, and my son is furious!

πŸ‘︎ 15k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/sierrasport
πŸ“…︎ Jul 04 2020
🚨︎ report
Where do you go to get books that aren't true?

To the Lie-brary!

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/viajero1026
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2021
🚨︎ report
I asked my dog Regina why she wouldn’t go and get the ball I threw...

She said, β€œQuit trying to make β€˜fetch’ happen.”

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Uncle_Bug_Music
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2021
🚨︎ report
Where do Jedi go to get inked?

Tattooine.

πŸ‘︎ 43
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2020
🚨︎ report
Where does a Canadian alcoholic go to get help?

Eh Eh

πŸ‘︎ 439
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/awesomedew
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2020
🚨︎ report
Everytime I go there I get upset.
πŸ‘︎ 220
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/college_poontang
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you get when you go to an emo school?

Edgycation.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/chefo77
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
If you are offended by my dad jokes, don’t get mad and ask me to go to the artificial excavation filled with water.

I mean well.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PaulFromTheParty
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2021
🚨︎ report
I've invented a new golf ball that will automatically go into the hole if it gets within 4 inches...

DO NOT carry them in your back pocket.

πŸ‘︎ 81
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2020
🚨︎ report
First, I posted this on r/jokes but it didn't get much love. Then I realized I posted it on the wrong joke sub. Y'all love the punny jokes, so here you go:

Why are lamb chops a thing? Why do we have a food named after a baby animal?

Would you ever eat something called puppy steak? Or kitten burger? Or chick fillet?

oh wait.........

Credit goes to Matt from Studio C

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Lickedy_Split_
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Where would you go to get maple sushi with poutine dipping sauce?

Japanada

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/89iroc
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2020
🚨︎ report
Where do crows go to get educated?

CAWlege

πŸ‘︎ 25
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Beastocity1089
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2020
🚨︎ report
My 8yo daughter made me proud and came up with this: I don't get why pirates go around on boats...

They should be in the arrrrmy

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ConstableBrew
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2020
🚨︎ report
Where does a horse go when it gets sick ?

A horse-pital.

Ha. Ha. Just kidding....They get shot.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2020
🚨︎ report
Where do veggies go after they get off the airplane?

To Cabbage Claim!

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/oatli
πŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2020
🚨︎ report
Where do Peek A Boos go when they get sick?

They go to the ICU.

πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2020
🚨︎ report
A peasant's wife told him to go get milk for the baby. Dutifully, he went to the market with the baby and brought home a hefty jug of milk. "You've forgotten the baby!" she exclaimed.

"No I haven't... I got milk for the baby!"

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Catillionaire
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2020
🚨︎ report
Last night my wife says "Honey will you go get us some tortilla chips and cheese?"

I looked deep into her eyes and said "I'm nacho delivery service. "

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/skotgil
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2020
🚨︎ report
If I ever go to jail I am making sure I get the nickname β€˜mitochondria’

The powerhouse of the cell

πŸ‘︎ 125
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Haas19
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2020
🚨︎ report
Where do you go when you get hurt playing peekaboo?

The ICU

πŸ‘︎ 40
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/late_brake_apex
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife asked me to go get 6 cans of sprite from the grocery store.

I realised when I got home I picked 7up.

πŸ‘︎ 23
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/RexThunderhorn
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2020
🚨︎ report
A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6.

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.

The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"

He replied, "They had avocados."

πŸ‘︎ 12k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Anthonybrose
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2019
🚨︎ report
My boys were arguing about who would get to drive the go-kart around the track...

I told them, "You guys should take turns".

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/KW-DadJoker
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2020
🚨︎ report
Two blokes go for a job. Before they can get the job they are asked some questions.

One said to the other i wont get the job i not good at questions. Dont worry said the other i go in first and i will tell you the answers? So he goes in the boss said to him; If i poke you in the left eye what would happen. I would go half blind. If i poke you right eye what would happen. I would go fully blind. Congratulations you have got the job. Send the other candidate in. As the other candidate was going in the he said the answers are Half blind and Fully blind. Thanks mate and goes to see the boss. Right said the boss if i cut your ear off what would happen. I would go half blind. Okay said the boss if i cut your other ear off what would happen. I would go fully blind. The boss looks puzzled and said how do you make that out. He said thats obvious.

My cap would fall over my eyes!!

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/tiger7971
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2020
🚨︎ report
Where do worn out noses go to get repaired..?

..to the Olfactory.

πŸ‘︎ 21
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HugoZHackenbush2
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2020
🚨︎ report
I go to Popeye's to get the kids something to eat.

Maddie wanted the kids meal with a leg so I said β€œKids meal with the leg” and the lady says β€œWhich side?”

Me- *complete silence as I heavily contemplate such an odd decision*

β€œI guess the right side, hell I don’t know what the difference is.”

After several moments of laughter she says β€œNo hunny which side would you like to go with the leg? Potatoes or fries?”

πŸ‘︎ 9k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/viperfour
πŸ“…︎ Aug 17 2019
🚨︎ report
Where do rabbits go after they get married?

On a bunny-moon.

πŸ‘︎ 124
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/howiewu0402
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2020
🚨︎ report
i went to a restaurant and the waitress threw a piece of meat on the ceiling. she offered me $100 to go and get it off and i replied:

No, the steaks are too high!

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/mferrari24
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2020
🚨︎ report
OK here we go. Soap this gets to the front page...
πŸ‘︎ 16k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/electrocuter666
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2019
🚨︎ report
Where do mathematicians go when they get sick?

The L’Hospital!

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Sabretooth1100
πŸ“…︎ Oct 01 2020
🚨︎ report
My son just told me he was gonna go get a shower.

I said β€œSon, that smells like a great idea.”

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/wcollins260
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2020
🚨︎ report
My dad was telling me about his doctor’s appointment today. He needed to get some vaccines, but because of Covid he would have to go to the office and they would give them to him in his car.

He said he was going to be involved in a drive by shooting.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MoDragonWang
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2020
🚨︎ report
Where do monkeys go to get drunk?

The monkey bars.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/brainpain152
πŸ“…︎ Sep 14 2020
🚨︎ report
Whenever we go to a buffet, I always ask my wife to get my food for me.

I just can't help myself.

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/AlRedux
πŸ“…︎ Aug 14 2020
🚨︎ report
Where do prematurely born calves go to get care

ICMOO

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2020
🚨︎ report
If you ever get the chance to go to India

You have to try their New Delhi

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Nickatier_Carbs
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2021
🚨︎ report
My friend asked me to go to the store and get six cans of Sprite.

I realized when I got home that I had picked 7 up.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/habsfan1112
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2020
🚨︎ report
Where do people go when they get hurt playing hide and seek?

The ICU

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/iceberger3
πŸ“…︎ Aug 12 2020
🚨︎ report

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