Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom?
It happened 250 million years ago
π︎ 466
π
︎ Oct 26 2022
I had a flat tire last night, but I am too broke to get it fixed.
I have to come up with a retirement plan.
π︎ 1k
π
︎ Oct 15 2022
Did you hear about the guy who dipped his balls in glitter?
π︎ 4k
π
︎ Aug 28 2022
I saw a Karen today with a bumper sticker that said βYou will address me by my husbandβs rankβ.
Guess she just wanted her conversation to be private.
π︎ 9k
π
︎ Jul 21 2022
At church last Sunday, the priest sprinkled some holy water on me, and gave me a handbag.
It was both a blessing and a purse.
π︎ 108
π
︎ Oct 24 2022
I wasnβt ex-static with this LinkedIn message
π︎ 26
π
︎ Sep 08 2022
Why was the broom late for work?
π︎ 47
π
︎ Oct 27 2022
My daughter thinks I don't give her enough privacy.
At least that's what it said in her diary.
π︎ 427
π
︎ Sep 19 2022
What do you call a group of babies?
π︎ 14
π
︎ Oct 13 2022
I'm getting better at telling Dad Jokes...
...I've got it down to a sigh-ence.
π︎ 18
π
︎ Oct 23 2022
I'm an electrician, and I tried to get my son into it, but he threw a fit and said he hates electricity.
Naturally I was shocked; he got pretty charged, so I grounded him until he could conduct himself properly. Sometimes it hertz to see your kid not want to follow in your footsteps. But I think he's coming around. Not putting up as much resistance these days.
π︎ 19
π
︎ Oct 25 2022
I caught my friend harassing some electricity...
I told him it was an abuse of power.
π︎ 346
π
︎ Aug 24 2022
I opened the door in my pyjamas
I know, itβs a weird place to have a door.
π︎ 27
π
︎ Oct 17 2022
I was wondering why music was coming from my printer
Apparently the paper was jamming
π︎ 695
π
︎ Aug 23 2022
My internet service was suspended because I gave a movie 3.14 stars on a movie review website.
They said that pi-rating stuff was illegal.
π︎ 2k
π
︎ Jul 29 2022
If you use a pentagram to create a curse, what shape removes it?
π︎ 164
π
︎ Sep 25 2022
Got a knock on the door from a Charity asking for donations for the local kids pool.
Gave them a glass of water.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Oct 08 2022
Why does Norwayβs Navy have barcodes on their ships?
To automate manual processes and minimize the likelihood of error while increasing overall process efficiency.
π︎ 617
π
︎ Aug 01 2022
What do you call a doctor who is a fish?
Dr Filet
That's not actually the real punchline. My 4 year olds try to make up jokes and they never make sense so I always try to guess good punchlines but I am always wrong. The punchline is actualy >!poopoo!! <
π︎ 63
π
︎ Aug 27 2022
Bruce Lee was pretty fast but his brother...
Sudden Lee was even faster.
π︎ 199
π
︎ Aug 13 2022
Where no man has gone before
π︎ 1k
π
︎ Aug 03 2022
Here's one my six year old told me yesterday: "Why are they called paper towels?"
"Because they're towels, made out of paper. Get it?" And then she laughs hysterically
π︎ 4
π
︎ Oct 25 2022
The storm blew away 25% of my roof last night.
π︎ 1k
π
︎ Jul 08 2022
I attempted to use the army toilets, but one of the officers stopped me. "It'll cost you Β£5 to go in there," he stated.
He must've been the loo tenant.
π︎ 8
π
︎ Oct 15 2022
My dad gave up smoking cold turkey.
Heβs doing better now but heβs still coughing up feathers.
π︎ 3k
π
︎ Jun 28 2022
What do you call two banana peels on the floor?
π︎ 205
π
︎ Aug 18 2022
The French Press of Bel-Air
π︎ 545
π
︎ Aug 01 2022
What was the name of the one legged woman?
π︎ 49
π
︎ Aug 20 2022
My kids were saying mean things behind my back.
So, I farted!
PROBLEM SOLVED!!!
π︎ 5
π
︎ Aug 18 2022
I asked my boss why he gave me a suit of Plate Mail and a Long Sword as my work uniform.
"You're working the Knight Shift, remember?"
π︎ 65
π
︎ Sep 07 2022
Why should you cut the grass between 12 and 1 in the morning?
Because in the midnight hour, she cried mow, mow, mow...
So quit being Idol.
π︎ 20
π
︎ Sep 08 2022
My daughter came up with this when she was 11. She's very proud of it and asked me to share.
Where do cows and pigs work?
At a Farm-acy
π︎ 2k
π
︎ Apr 23 2022
wife calls as i'm weaving around parked cars and asks if everything's okay
"can you give me a minute, babe? i'm going through a lot right now."
π︎ 31
π
︎ Aug 25 2022
What did the nut say when it was chasing the other nut?
π︎ 52
π
︎ Aug 27 2022
What did the ocean say to the beach?
π︎ 2
π
︎ Aug 24 2022
At only 9, my son showed heβs a dad joke Jedi already.
Took the family to the Grand Canyon today, on the drive out we passed a wind farm, and I said to the boy to check it out. He casually looks up from his iPad, looks out the window, then back to me, and straight faced says, βIβm a big fanβ.
So proud.
π︎ 24
π
︎ Aug 03 2022
Why aren't Jedi allowed to be bartenders?
Because only a Sith deals in Absolut.
π︎ 42
π
︎ Aug 20 2022
There was an explosion earlier at the Nissan factory
It was raining datsun cogs...
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Datsun
π︎ 29
π
︎ Aug 22 2022
The military is supposed to straighten people out, but I once knew a guy in the military who would get annoying and argue with me about the smallest things.
π︎ 90
π
︎ Jul 04 2022
Bound to get a good reception
π︎ 13
π
︎ Jul 26 2022
Who was Obi-Wan Kenobi's brother?
π︎ 191
π
︎ Jun 02 2022
What's the best thing about Switzerland?
I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.
π︎ 17
π
︎ Aug 29 2022
What do you call an old ghost?
π︎ 11
π
︎ Aug 17 2022
How can you tell the gender of an ant?
You put it in water. If it sinks, it's a girl ant. And if it floats, well...
Then it's buoyant.
π︎ 8
π
︎ Aug 01 2022
Sometimes I get to be overwhelmed, frustrated with a situation. Then I just tell myself: be like a doctor!
Theyβve got all the patience in the world, you see.
π︎ 14
π
︎ Jul 06 2022
Why did Adam and Eve do math ?
They were told to multiply
π︎ 6
π
︎ Aug 11 2022
What is Batman's regular order at the bar?
π︎ 22
π
︎ Jun 23 2022
Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.
