I was walking along when I saw a pile of dog shit on the side of the street, a little further on I saw an identical one:

Deja poo.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/A_Scribbler
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2020
🚨︎ report
To further gender equality, I think it's time we have our first transgendered superheroes.

The Ex-Men.

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/acres41
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2020
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Why couldn't the point go any further?

Beacuse it was the end of the line

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/clark_creationz
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2020
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A gang of outlaw cows rob a bank and flee..

The police track them to a motel, but can't narrow it down further. They call the judge and he writes out a warrant to search room #8 at the motel. Police break down the door and arrest the gang of cows with the stash.

Later the police captain calls the judge, "Your honor, how did you know where the gang would be hiding?"

Judge says, "It's easy Captain. Cows always room in 8".

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LateralAxes
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2021
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What did the fish say when it couldn't swim any further?

"Dam"

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DaffynitionMaker
πŸ“…︎ May 26 2020
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My son needed help with his writing homework. 'Is it further or farther?' he asked me.

It's me, father, I replied.

πŸ‘︎ 54
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2019
🚨︎ report
Number wars, a dad joke story.

6 couldn't believe it. 7 had finally gone off the deep end. 7 had long offended 6. A repeat 6 offender if you will. But this was unforgivable. 9 was his best friend. How could he do this to his best friend? How could it be that 7 ate 9?

6, filled with fury, called his friends 2 and 4. They would get even. 10 was the best friend of 7 you see. 2, 4 and 6 ate 10 to get even. They then began plotting further revenge, but 7 acted first. He gathered 1, 3 and 5 together to take down 6.

Realizing that the odds were against them, 2, 4 and 6 retreated. Their only option was to turn to 12 who had twice the resources 6 had. 7 couldn't follow.

12 quickly called 3 to find out what the root of 7's attack on 9. 3 wasn't sure. He had only supported 7 because of a long standing friendship. But 3 promised to get to the root cause.

Meanwhile, 7's scheming was not yet done. 12 was powerful, but there was one who could reverse his decision to harbor 6. If he could just convince 21, nicknamed blackjack, to reverse 12's decision, it would all be over.

Three times 7 went to 21's compound. On the third try he was able to get through. After explaining that 6 had masterminded the elimination of 10, a grand meeting of the numbers was called.

Both 6 and 7 argued over the whole thing. 13 had the unlucky task of adjudicating the meeting. Each time 13 made an argument, 6 and 7 would add to it by shouting over each other.

Finally, 21 had had enough. "7, why did you eat 9"

7 responded "I just wanted to get 3 square meals." 21 had 7 eliminated for initiating the battle and 6 jailed for masterminding 10's death. And the war was over.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Calthropstu
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2021
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Speaking to a friend: "My mother once told me, 'if you want to go further on your journey, you have to take that next step, no matter how daunting'." My friend piped up, "Don't you mean farther?" To which I replied:

"No, I'm fairly certain it was my mother."

Credit to B.C. (comic strip), most likely paraphrased since I read it many a moon ago, though I'm fairly certain the punchline is very close to the original.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/drozzi007
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2020
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Taylor Swift could further increase her revenue by opening an express alterations shop

and calling it Tailor Swift

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/timeexterminator
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2019
🚨︎ report
NASA wants to probe deeper into Uranus further than ever before.
πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Anthonybrose
πŸ“…︎ Mar 07 2019
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I went to my dads mirror warehouse

Upon further reflection i decided to leave

I just thought this up I hope its an original one

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kaoskrim
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2020
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Just got an epic eye roll for this: My son was showing me his school work from math, where he was learning fractions. I pointed to where he wrote his name on a line at the top and asked what that fraction was.

I told him it should be {Sons Name} / Mommy. Since he came from her. Then I said he could reduce that fraction further since he came from his mommy, that fraction would equal....

One Whole

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πŸ‘€︎ u/_Soter_
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2021
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I called an old college classmate and asked what he was doing.

He replied that he was working on "Aqua-thermal treatment of ceramics, aluminum and steel under a constrained environment."

I was impressed...Upon further inquiry, I learned that he was washing dishes, with hot water, under his wife’s supervision.

πŸ‘︎ 35
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hayeshilton
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2021
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Did you here about the politician who could never get further in his career?

He suffered from Electile dysfunction.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SquishedGremlin
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2019
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When your loyal subscribers on YouTube go even further and start giving you money

Sons of the Patreon

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/djtb1001
πŸ“…︎ May 20 2019
🚨︎ report
What is nice if you are close but gets more irritating if u get further away?

Someone holding the door for you.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rubaanus2
πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2018
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Λ™uʍop ǝpᴉs-d∩ ǝʇᴉɹʍ ʇᴉ sɐ ʇᴉ puǝɯɯoɔǝɹ Κ‡,uop ʎllɐǝɹ I ˙ɐᴉlɐɹʇsnβˆ€ Ι―oɹɟ pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ Κ‡Ι₯ΖƒnoΙΉq I
πŸ‘︎ 34
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πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2019
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Prom night

It was time for the prom at Klondike High School and Tim's friends were desperately trying to convince him to go. He considered it, but was very self-conscious of the fact that he had had an accident as a young child that caused him to lose his eye, and the best his family could afford was to buy him a wooden eye. After several days of goading, Tim finally decides to go.

Sally was in a similar situation. Her friends desperately wanted her to go prom with them, but she was recently in a car accident and lost her right leg. She had a prosthetic, but it was very uncomfortable, so she had a hard time walking. Reluctantly, she agreed to go.

It was the night of the prom and both Tim and Sally were getting all gussied up with their friends. They both make it to the prom, but when they arrive, they are both too nervous to dance. Tim's friends notice Sally sitting on the wall and say to him, "Look over there! There's a cute girl who's all alone and needs a partner to dance with. Why don't you go over there and ask her to dance?" After some further convincing, Tim sheepishly begins to walk over to Sally to ask her. As he approaches her, he getes nervous, and awkwardly stands in front of her for a few seconds before saying, "Wuh...wuh...would you like to dance with me?"

Excitedly, Sally exclaims, "Would I? Would I?"

Tim responds angrily, "PEG LEG! PEG LEG!"

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pensrule2007
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Have you ever wanted to play Photoshop battles? But with puns instead?? Well look no further!!...

...fundarnmental_ePuns are here. (https://www.reddit.com/r/Fundarnmental_ePuns/) Now you can submit all the willy wittiest photos wordplay for all the world to see!!

This looked like a good place to x-link this, hope I don't get punished for it...

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/_lss
πŸ“…︎ Aug 17 2016
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Why is it, the older I get...

...the further away my shoelaces become ?

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2020
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This story is about a man called Trevor, and his obsession with tractors.

Trevor loved tractors. And I mean, really loved tractors. Forget any obsessions or high-level interests you may have, chances are they pale in the face of Trevor’s love for tractors.

Every day Trevor would get up, in his tractor-themed bedroom in his tractor-themed house, with its tractor-themed wallpaper and tractor-themed carpets, and he would make his bed with its tractor-themed duvet and tractor-themed sheets. He would go downstairs in his tractor-themed pajamas into his tractor-themed kitchen, with its tractor-themed tiles and cupboards, and he would eat his breakfast while perusing the latest tractor-themed magazine or annual.

Trevors’s degree in Agricultural Engineering hung on his living room wall, along with a copy of his thesis, which centred around (you guessed it) tractors. The living room was decorated with all sorts of tractor-related trinkets, including die-cast models, paintings and drawings.

The hedges in Trevor’s front garden were trimmed in the shape of tractors. His lawn was vividly decorated with tractor-driving garden gnomes, and his garden furniture was constructed from various parts from vintage tractor designs.

Trevor just had one thing missing from his otherwise tractor-centric life; he had never actually owned, nor driven, a real tractor.

Not for his lack of trying, of course. Trevor had been to many tractor shows over the years, and visited many farms with friends of his, but none of the tractors he had seen had ever been quite right. Trevor was so knowledgeable about tractors that every single one he had come across had possessed some hidden trait that he wasn’t keen on. His first experience of driving a real tractor had to be perfect.

One day, Trevor was flicking through one of his favourite publications, Powertrain Quarterly, when there was a knock at the door. Trevor answered, and it was his friend and fellow tractor enthusiast, Jeff.

Trevor welcomed Jeff in, and over tea and crumpets served on tractor-themed crockery, they discussed the merits of aluminium drawbars and front-end loaders. Eventually Trevor pressed Jeff to explain the reason for his visit.

β€œWell” said Jeff, β€œAs I’m sure you know the convention comes to town later”.

The convention. Trevor had been thinking of little else the past three weeks. The neighbouring town annually threw a convention for farmers, particularly farmyard machinery. There would be combine harvesters, lawnmowers, and of course, tractors.

β€œYes of course” replied Trevor

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ShredderSte
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
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What do you think about the track and field event, where the aim is to throw a circular heavy disc further than the other competitors?

..Discus

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πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2014
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A vending machine went to the doctor to have a tumor looked at

The doctor said the tumor was B9

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πŸ‘€︎ u/merconi
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2018
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about Russel Crow's recent problems with cannibalism? At first he expressed shame about eating the mother of two.

But upon further consideration he was gladiator.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AShiggles
πŸ“…︎ Jul 12 2020
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I went to an optometrist today

He said I’d be near-sighted until further notice

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πŸ‘€︎ u/theENERTRON
πŸ“…︎ May 05 2020
🚨︎ report
I just made a complaint about the elevator not working

If they don't fix it, further steps will be taken

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/emu404
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2019
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An old married couple are taking a stroll in Soviet Russia.

While they are walking it starts to precipitate. The man insists that it is raining, but his wife, who has only ever lived further up north where it can only snow, thinks that it is some weird form of snow. They spend a few minutes trying to convince each other before the man says β€œlet’s ask Officer Rudolf, he’s a very smart man!” So they stop and say β€œOfficer Rudolf, is it raining or snowing?” Officer Rudolf confirms that it is raining, and the couple continues to stroll. Later the wife asks how he knew Officer Rudolf could answer them. The man simply replies, β€œbecause Rudolf the Red knows rain, dear.”

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Willdoeswarfair
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2018
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My wife dragged me to a dance recital.

Me: I hope there is a lot of ado.

Wife: Huh?

MC: Ladies and Gentlemen, without further ado....

Me: Shit.

πŸ‘︎ 288
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2018
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A period and a decimal use the same symbol

Let me know if I should stop this joke or break it down further

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ashtehstampede
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2019
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A tennis player was reported to be stalking his coach.

The tennis player admitted, and they seem to be on track for a smooth resolution. Upon being interviewed, the coach said: β€œI would have escalated this further, but he's a valuable student with a great arm, and I trust that there is no need for a wrist training order.”

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thefizzynator
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2018
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At my job as a paleontologist, I was searching for the thigh bone of a Neanderthal.

I thought I had found it, but it was a fossil arm. Then upon searching the site further, I found a petrified sausage. It was the missing link.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2018
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Pythagoras the explorer (long)

Everyone knows the Pythagorean theorem, but few people know that Pythagoras was an avid and accomplished explorer who visited the new world before the Vikings or Columbus ever laid eyes on the continent. On one of his early visits he encountered a village and happened upon a woman, heavily pregnant sitting on the hide of a bear. He asked her what she was doing and she told him that she wanted to give birth on the hide so that her child would have the strength of a bear when he was born. As he walked further into the main part of the village he saw another woman, again quite pregnant sitting on the hide of a deer. When asked she replied that she wanted her child to have the grace and agility of a deer. Seeing a trend he was taken aback when he saw a very pregnant woman sitting on the hide of a hippopotamus. Surprised both at the choice and at the existence of such a creature, he wondered what she must wish for her child, but she replied that there just weren’t any other hides available for her so she took what she could get.

Many years later when he returned to the same village, he encountered the first woman and asked about her child. Was he as strong as a bear? She pointed him out and sure enough, her son was busy ripping a stump out of the ground with his hands, as strong as a bear! Amazed, he sought out the second woman, who pointed out her son, running through a field at great speed, as graceful and agile as a deer! Intrigued to say the least, Pythagoras sought the third woman. She pointed out her son, and he didn’t believe his eyes - he was both as strong as a bear and as graceful as a deer; a mountain of a man with grace and poise.

He wrote in his now-famous travel journal his amazing discovery; that the sons of the squaws on the two smaller hides are equal to that of the squaw on the hippopotamus.

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/corbimatic
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2018
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Okay this isn't a typical Dad Joke but it's a dad joke.

So this just happened.

My dad walked into my room, said "So you think you can take on your old man," doing an exaggerated impression of a bad lip sync, threw a toy throwing star at me, and left. I have no further explanation.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CatoticNeutral
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2018
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A battery and firework got arrested.

But after further investigation the battery was not charged and the firework was let off.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cwwspurs
πŸ“…︎ May 05 2019
🚨︎ report
Court Chester: Cell of the Century

Chester, the defendant, stood in front of the judge's imposing bench, waiting patiently for the reason why he was there. To further muddle the moment, he stared at items unfamiliar to him, at least in that context.

Perched on and near His Honor's desk were the following: A DuraLast Ultra in one car with a long, black cord stretching to another car, several alkaline D cells plugged into a black box, and lastly, a cell phone with its cord sticking into the wall.

Finally removing Chester's questioned look was his attorney leaning into his ear to whisper, "It's official, now: You're facing battery charges."

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bradstros
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2019
🚨︎ report
I took my son out fishing today...

He said, "Dad, the fish just aint biting here, can't we go out a little further?"

I looked sternly at him and responded, "Son, catching fish in deep waters is eel-advised."

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2017
🚨︎ report
The Pundits - Part 1

A quaint little men's class,

a few with class,

some smelling of a gin glass,

some with eyes of a lass,

the remainder eyeing a lad,

but all glad,

and all present,

youngster of the present,

bearders of the crescent,

readers new testaments,

preachers of old testaments,

bearers of saffron tenets,

wearers of white tints,

weird lovers of croissant,

well, all here, will all hear?

we never know,

lets look at the show

 

The English teacher, said,

"how to drink a juice?"

i know, said bart the bartender,

"with vodka and chicken tender"

the weirded beardo now angry,

showed he was a shouter,

wanted to be a bart-ender,

while shushing the crowd,

use a pipe, piped up a voice, loud,

"huh" exclaimed preacher pastor,

"no smoking" he said, showing a guilty fluster ,

"no sir" said the voice,

I'm extra maker,

spoke the voice quicker,

Mr.White scratching head,

"I'm an ex-straw maker",

the air cleared.

 

Proceeding further, Teacher continued,

the class was listening, eyes glued,

"etiquette is important" he said,

"wear napkin before eating",

their faces changed,

pulse now beating,

Mr.White said, "sir, we don't bleed",

an irritated saffron Sundar spoke,

"if you bleed, education you don't need"

the English sir, now a sundered bloke,

calmed the masked fish market,

as his God's fate chisel hammered,

"Do you know how to fork?" he stammered,

a brief silence, and too many whispers later

"I Pen is use sir", said a bright face,

"Do you know how to use a fork?" he corrected,

with damage now done, Silence resumed.

 

>ThePundits

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/themadraspaiyan
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2018
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Honeymoon trip

A newly married couple were confused on how to spend their honeymoon , the husband wanted to go to Australia first but the wife wanted to go to TIC TAC world(coz fuck logic). Upon further debate they ended on going to australia first because the husband thought the sequence was authentic.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ashfaq_haq
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2017
🚨︎ report
I saw two Cadillacs on my way to work today...

Thank God the situation didn't Escalade any further!

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BigBlueBuffBoi
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2018
🚨︎ report
At a concert I didn’t want to go to, I turned to my wife and said, β€œI hope there is a lot of Ado.”

Her: Huh?

MC: Ladies and Gentlemen, without further ado....

Me: Shit.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2018
🚨︎ report

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