I’m really looking forward to being an old man

I have to. I can’t look back on it.

πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/superdad0206
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2020
🚨︎ report
I was looking forward to eat my rice bowl.

But my Brother, like always, ate them. And now he's experiencing really bad headaches.

I guess it's because he has a history of having my-grains.

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/shaggie42069
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
A β€˜divine’ healer in his β€˜miracle’ ministry called, "Anyone with 'special needs' who wants to be prayed for, please come forward to the front."

With that, John got in line and when it was his turn the Pastor asked, " John, what do you want me to pray for you?"

John replied, "Pastor, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."

The Pastor put one finger of one hand on John's ear, placed his other hand on top of John's head, and then prayed and prayed and the whole congregation joined in with much enthusiasm. After a few minutes, the Pastor removed his hands, stood back and asked: "John, how is your hearing now?"

John answered, "I don't know. My hearing is actually next Thursday in the "Magistrate Court."

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ball5deeper
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2020
🚨︎ report
Why couldn’t the Russian drive forward?

His car was Putin reverse.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RSGaming0416
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Most Americans are looking forward to December 2020 because Trump should be gone Biden.
πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/golubeerji
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2020
🚨︎ report
Sometimes I tuck my knees up into my chest and lean forward.

That's just how I roll.

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Yankee9Niner
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2020
🚨︎ report
There are rumors that Tesla is considering on a stretched, three row version of their Model X SUV. The project is on Musk's desk waiting for a decision on whether to go forward.

Their next car is Elon gated.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/arrenlex
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2020
🚨︎ report
I'm writing a book about falling down stairs...

It's a step by step guide.

πŸ‘︎ 26
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/FLASHsixx
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2021
🚨︎ report
Did you know chickens can only walk forward?

Yeah, they can't go bock.

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ConstableBrew
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2020
🚨︎ report
The longest I've ever made love for is 1 hour, 2 minutes and 32 seconds...

... I love it when the clocks go forward!

πŸ‘︎ 52
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Tinnber
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2020
🚨︎ report
Looking forward to the Fall, when I can make serious money gathering leaves..

..Raked it in last year.

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HugoZHackenbush2
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2020
🚨︎ report
I am asking the last person that was able to ask Regis Philbin a question to please come forward.

I have to know what his final answer was.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sir_E_L_Bawks
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2020
🚨︎ report
I don’t know how you guys get home every night but, I squat down, put my head between my knees and fall forward.

That’s how I roll

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/blueholeload
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2020
🚨︎ report
A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out...

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."

Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?"

"Well..." the woman says. "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were wearing an Iron Maiden t-shirt. Iron Maiden are my favorite band of all time. When they went on their reunion tour in 1999, my parents took me to see them in Cleveland. I was 12 years old and it was the first concert I ever went to. I absolutely love Iron Maiden."

The man can't believe it.

"I saw them play Cleveland in '99! First concert I ever went to on my own. My best friend Jimmy Spitz and I told our parents we were sleeping at each others' houses, snuck out, took a bus into the city and saw them play at the Plain Dealer Pavillion!"

Naturally, they're both shocked.

"If that isn't weird enough..." says the woman. "I noticed you're reading Mark Twain. I was a communications major in university and I actually wrote my thesis on Mark Twain and how he used satire as a lens to comment on current events of the time, comparing him to satirical news sources of today. He's my favorite author."

Now the man is really taken aback, "Get out of here! I was an English major in university! I specialized in 19th century American literature and this is like my fourth or fifth time reading Tom Sawyer, I absolutely love Mark Twain."

They both can't believe it...this has got to be a match made in heaven.

"Ok..." the woman says. "Well, buckle up because here's the icing on the cake. I noticed you're eating a prune. Prunes are my absolute favorite fruit. When I was a kid, my grandfather lived on a farm. He had an orchard that mainly grew apples and some lemons, but he knew how much my sister and I loved prunes so he kept a couple of plum trees. Every year at the end of the summer, we'd go up and harvest the plums with him. He'd dry them and by the time we'd go back to his place for Thanksgiving he'd always have those prunes saved just for us. They're my favorite fruit! I love prunes, you're eating a prune, this has got to be fate. What do you say?"

The man puts down his fruit and responds,

"It's a date!"

πŸ‘︎ 17k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2020
🚨︎ report
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says "You are in here a lot, do you think you have a drinking problem?"

The horse says, "I don't think so," then disappears into nothing.

This is the point in time when all the philosophy students in the audience begin to giggle, as they are familiar with the philosophical proposition of Cogito ergo sum, or I think, therefore, I am. The classic philosophy put forward by RenΓ© Descartes.

But to explain the concept aforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.

πŸ‘︎ 11k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/bearfeedmitch
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2020
🚨︎ report
A guy goes for a drive and his car stalls...

...right in front of a house where there’s a huge party going on. He walks in and notices that the party is somewhat divided. There’s a clear distinction between the people waiting for the bathroom and the people queued up for drinks, etc.

Considering the urgency of the bathroom queue, he walks over to the drinks table and asks everyone there if they wouldn’t mind helping him push his car to get it started. They agree but even with the full might of several people, the car doesn’t budge. He thanks them for trying and they all head back inside.

A little while later, the doorbell rings. The man sees the host open the door to the largest pizza guy he’s ever seen. The behemoth is holding 15 pizzas with one hand, a pallet of buffalo wings with the other, with a keg strapped to each shoulder. The man jumps up and asks the pizza guy for his help pushing the car. He agrees and they head to the street.

With barely one touch of a pinky on one hand, the car lurches forward and starts right up. The man drives off, waving behind him and yelling a quick, β€œThank you.”

As he catches sight of the party fading into the distance, he says to himself...

β€œThank goodness for the delivery because that punch line sure is weak.”

πŸ‘︎ 996
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/silashoulder
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Depending on your golf handicap you can move your tee forwards or backwards

Move it too far forward and it becomes a birdie tee.

Too far back and it becomes a bogey tee

Get it just right?

Now that's a party.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2020
🚨︎ report
I bought this really good DVD about foreplay

I just had to fast forward the boring bit at the beginning.

πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jo3p-
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2020
🚨︎ report
My sister always gets mad whenever I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward

I’m sorry but that’s how I roll.

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/darraghq16
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2020
🚨︎ report
If Father Christmas played soccer, what position would he play ?

Santa forward.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Don't you think Gonorrhoea would be a great name for Diarrhea medicine?

No shit!

πŸ‘︎ 103
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HydrosFear
πŸ“…︎ Aug 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Sometimes I squat down and wrap my arms around my knees and just let myself start to lean forward.

Because that's how I roll.

πŸ‘︎ 21
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dymbrulee
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2020
🚨︎ report
I'm not looking forward to my wife having the baby

I hate meeting new people

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/invertedparadoxxx
πŸ“…︎ Feb 25 2020
🚨︎ report
Looking forward to it
πŸ‘︎ 78
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πŸ‘€︎ u/puntasticuser
πŸ“…︎ Jul 11 2019
🚨︎ report
People who pull forward into parking spots are living in the moment. Those who back up into the spot, are thinking about the future.
πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FatMetalJesus
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2019
🚨︎ report
Found in r/WellThatSucks: "xWas looking forward to having some nice bread from a local bakery :(" posted by u/TheWrigglerr
πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/FalconLord92
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2019
🚨︎ report
Why do scuba divers fall backwards out of the boat?

Because if they fell forwards, they’d still be in the boat!

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/halokost
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2020
🚨︎ report
Do you know why scuba divers flip backwards when going into the water?

Because if they flipped forward, they'd fall into the boat.

πŸ‘︎ 240
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ashlingwilde
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2020
🚨︎ report
I’m looking forward to the new Hell’s Kitchen pasta episode

A real Al dente’s inferno

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/badjayplaness
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2020
🚨︎ report
What's something you looked forward to as a kid but now don't like?

Blizzard.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/danmanx
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2019
🚨︎ report
There are so many things that I am looking forward to in the new year...

You could say that my vision is 2020.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2019
🚨︎ report
People with glasses are really looking forward to next year...

It's the first time they will see 20/20.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ItsJustPeter
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2019
🚨︎ report
If a highly skilled bird lands on your father’s sweater...

That’s a pro sparrow on your fleecy dad. Looking forward to a happy 2021!

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/zedhead0628
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2020
🚨︎ report
Im really looking forward to the new Hacking Twist in Call of Duty!

They call it Modem Warfare!

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/meistereder420
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2019
🚨︎ report
I bring my knees to my head and lean forwards...

...that's just how I roll.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/smoll_boi_fire
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2019
🚨︎ report
My dad forwarded me an email of his top 10 favorite puns, and asked if any of them made me laugh...

Unfortunately, no pun in ten did

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/avec_serif
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2019
🚨︎ report
Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward.

That's just how I roll.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/uhavethebiggay
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2020
🚨︎ report
I like to crouch down, hug my knees and lean forward.

That's just how I roll

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/runew0lf
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2020
🚨︎ report
Sometimes i tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward.

Thats just how i roll

πŸ‘︎ 113
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/shamudawhale51
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2020
🚨︎ report
Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward

That’s how I roll

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/lvrcerosis
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2020
🚨︎ report
Sometimes I touch my knees to my chest and lean forward,

That’s just how I roll.

πŸ‘︎ 294
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Jackdaking746
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2020
🚨︎ report
Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward

That’s just how I roll

πŸ‘︎ 97
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Master-Salamander
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2020
🚨︎ report
I like to crouch down, hug my knees and lean forward.

That's just how I roll.

πŸ‘︎ 431
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/orduk
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2019
🚨︎ report
Sometime I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward

But that's just how I roll

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2020
🚨︎ report

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