You made a great point, Dad!

Thanks, I sharpened it.

πŸ‘︎ 56
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gjfrye
πŸ“…︎ Feb 15 2021
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My boss said, β€œI find it highly suspicious that you are only sick on weekdays.”

I said, β€œIt must be my weekend immune system.”

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2020
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Welcome to assumption club.

I think we all have a rough idea of why we’re here.

πŸ‘︎ 43
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TeeFarkas
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12 2019
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You know what happens when you make assumptions

It makes an ass out of u and mptions

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jalibut
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2019
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My children are now under the assumption that "Dorito" is Spanish for "Orange Triangle". Lunchtime mission accomplished.
πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DrawForChange
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18 2019
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A programmer gets sent to the store by his wife. His wife says, β€œGet a gallon of milk, and if they have eggs, get a dozen.”

The programmer returns home with 12 gallons of milk and says, β€œThey had eggs.”

edit: I know guys, I know, it’s supposed to be 13, I messed up the wording, please forgive me

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheManicMonocle
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2018
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If anyone ever makes a incorrect assumption in your presence ask if they're Liam Neeson's daughter.

Because they're miss taken.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Siethron
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2014
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If the Kavanaugh ordeal has taught us anything it's that the things you do in these college boys' clubs will follow you...

F'raternity

πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mrthatsthat
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2018
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I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency...

I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Light_bulbnz
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2020
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After my wife had given birth to our baby, the nurse asked me, "Do you have a name yet?"

I said, "Yes. Steve."

She said, "Awww! That's a lovely name!"

"Thanks." I said. "But what do you think we should call the baby?"

πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2017
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There's no such thing as a good story about Swiss cheese.

There's always too many holes in the plot.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kashindabank
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2019
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My wife told me she's pregnant...

Of course I replied with "hi pregnant, I'm Dad"

First official dad joke...

πŸ‘︎ 77
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πŸ“…︎ Sep 15 2016
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Assuming

So my grand father always used to tell me you know what they say about assuming, it makes an ass out of you and me…I miss him.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Capncore
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2013
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