The song that my nose shit sings to my fingers when it's about to be flicked away youtube.com/watch?v=h2jvH…
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sanitizem8
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2020
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It really is though
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πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2020
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Some filmmakers were secretly trying to murder the lead actor in a low-budget flick, but he got wind of the plot and managed to escape. They took the existing footage and shopped it to different producers, but it was roundly rejected by everyone for the same reason.

It wasn't up to snuff.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jeromocles
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2020
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The animated flick about honey collecting insects from 2007 wasn't a blockbuster...

... because it was a Bee movie.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kahooki
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2019
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Flick
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πŸ‘€︎ u/b_finch07
πŸ“…︎ Jul 29 2019
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This story is about a man called Trevor, and his obsession with tractors.

Trevor loved tractors. And I mean, really loved tractors. Forget any obsessions or high-level interests you may have, chances are they pale in the face of Trevor’s love for tractors.

Every day Trevor would get up, in his tractor-themed bedroom in his tractor-themed house, with its tractor-themed wallpaper and tractor-themed carpets, and he would make his bed with its tractor-themed duvet and tractor-themed sheets. He would go downstairs in his tractor-themed pajamas into his tractor-themed kitchen, with its tractor-themed tiles and cupboards, and he would eat his breakfast while perusing the latest tractor-themed magazine or annual.

Trevors’s degree in Agricultural Engineering hung on his living room wall, along with a copy of his thesis, which centred around (you guessed it) tractors. The living room was decorated with all sorts of tractor-related trinkets, including die-cast models, paintings and drawings.

The hedges in Trevor’s front garden were trimmed in the shape of tractors. His lawn was vividly decorated with tractor-driving garden gnomes, and his garden furniture was constructed from various parts from vintage tractor designs.

Trevor just had one thing missing from his otherwise tractor-centric life; he had never actually owned, nor driven, a real tractor.

Not for his lack of trying, of course. Trevor had been to many tractor shows over the years, and visited many farms with friends of his, but none of the tractors he had seen had ever been quite right. Trevor was so knowledgeable about tractors that every single one he had come across had possessed some hidden trait that he wasn’t keen on. His first experience of driving a real tractor had to be perfect.

One day, Trevor was flicking through one of his favourite publications, Powertrain Quarterly, when there was a knock at the door. Trevor answered, and it was his friend and fellow tractor enthusiast, Jeff.

Trevor welcomed Jeff in, and over tea and crumpets served on tractor-themed crockery, they discussed the merits of aluminium drawbars and front-end loaders. Eventually Trevor pressed Jeff to explain the reason for his visit.

β€œWell” said Jeff, β€œAs I’m sure you know the convention comes to town later”.

The convention. Trevor had been thinking of little else the past three weeks. The neighbouring town annually threw a convention for farmers, particularly farmyard machinery. There would be combine harvesters, lawnmowers, and of course, tractors.

β€œYes of course” replied Trevor

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ShredderSte
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
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How does Reese eat her ice cream?

Witherspoon

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πŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2019
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I had to flick an insect off my Rolex.

They're not OK. Not on my watch!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/urbanek2525
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2016
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What do you call it when a movie star steals your girl?

The classic "chick-flick"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/here_cos_of_my_bf
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2020
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What’s pink and hard?

A pig with a flick knife.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/iainmacg
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2019
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"OH, IT'S ON NOW!!!"

What I say every time I flick a light switch.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/UriahPeabody
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2019
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The long game

So a bus conductor in America was doing his job one day, happily printing and checking tickets all day long, enjoying the country views and feeling good about life.

A young lad gets on, chewing gum and being as loud and rude as all teenage lads are. There’s no-one else on the bus, so the conductor takes his ticket machine and bops the lad over the head, killing him. As expected, the Police arrest him. He goes through the legal process, a trial and admits his guilt, however the judge decides that they’re making an example of him and give him the sentence of death by the electric chair.

On Death row, he requests 5lbs of bananas for his last meal, which is duly brought and consumed. As he finishes, the guards arrive to escort him to the chair. As the executioner flicks the switch, nothing happens. All of the equipment is checked and works, but has no effect on the bus conductor. Under the law, this counts as a reprieve and he is released.

He gets his job back and puts the whole incident behind him. Until one day, a little old lady gets on the bus and starts to pay for a ticket in one cent coins. After about 10 minutes of fiddling with change, the conductor runs out of patience and bops the old lady on the head, killing her. As expected, the Police arrest him. He goes through the legal process, a trial and admits his guilt, however the judge decides that they’re making an example of him and give him the sentence of death by the electric chair.

On Death row, he requests 5lbs of bananas for his last meal, which is duly brought and consumed. As he finishes, the guards arrive to escort him to the chair. As the executioner flicks the switch, nothing happens. All of the equipment is checked and works, but has no effect on the bus conductor. Under the law, this counts as a reprieve and he is released.

After getting his job back again, life seems to go well for the conductor, until one day a young lady gets on the bus, casually putting her feet on the seat opposite. By now, the conductor is a little less lenient than in years gone by, so he takes his ticket machine and bops her over the head with it, killing her. As expected, the Police arrest him. He goes through the legal process, a trial and admits his guilt, however the judge decides that they’re making an example of him and give him the sentence of death by the electric chair.

On Death row, he requests 5lbs of bananas for his last meal, which is duly brought and consumed. As he finishes, the guards ar

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BloodAngel1982
πŸ“…︎ May 21 2018
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So proud

Helping my 13 year old make his bed. It's a hot night and the ceiling fan is on.

"Don't flick the sheet too high, Dad, or else..."

Me: "Or else what?"

"or else the sheet will hit the fan"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/neuromesh
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2014
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My housemate might be a dad

To annoy a female housemate we were flicking bits of sweetcorn at her hair. In response, she escalated the game and threw an orange into my face.

The only way i got through the ordeal was because of what another of my housemates said next. After a long silence, as im holding my face he says "..hell hath no fury like a woman corned".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Scrotumbrella
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2013
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Flip the Light Off

As I was going to bed, my dad told me to flip the light off. I go over and flick the switch and turn the light off. Then my father yells at me and tells me to turn it on and flip it off and shows me what he meant.

Thanks Dad

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πŸ‘€︎ u/_Filthy_Weeaboo_
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2019
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I guess I have hipsters to thank for this one

My dad was just flicking through a gadget magazine and was scoffing at the music section:

Dad: "It's weird how turntables have made a comeback, I remember a few years ago you couldn't even give them away"

Me: "Yeah, I guess the tables have turned"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Trinitykill
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2016
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My 8th grade English teacher got me.

My 8th grade English teacher was a huge dad-joker, even though he was like 25 at the time (this was 3 years ago)

He was playing at his desk with a ton of rubber bands, making them taut then flicking them to hear their vibration. I asked him what he was doing. He replied, "Creating the first song to my new band, we call ourselves the Rubber Band."

Not the best, but I certainly groaned.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Howley7
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2014
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My Pops killed it with this one..

My Pops passed away about a year ago, and one of my best memories was him saying his favorite "dad joke". I would always ask him to make me something because he was a chef.

ME: Pops can you make me a steak?

POPS: Yeah sure, poof (as he flicks his fingers at me) you're a steak. Ahh! good times.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/zen_carlos
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2014
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dad joked my wife

My wife went to remove a bread crumb from our infant son's shirt and somehow managed to flick the piece of bread into her own eye. She looked at me in pain and asked "Do I have a piece of bread in my eye?"

I couldn't help but respond with "yes, but first I must remove the loaf in my own eye".

reference: https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Matthew+7%3A5&version=ESV

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πŸ‘€︎ u/awhitehatter
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2015
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Painted toes

I got bored watching net flicks last weekend and painted my toes, I am a dude. A girl I climb with saw them.

Girl: You paint your toes better than I can.

Me: How can you possibly know that? You have never painted my toes.

Girl: ...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Face_Plont
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2015
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Horror movies are gold mines for my dad

I'm with my dad watching a horror flick when a scene comes on where a woman gets drilled in the head. Me: Oh man that was crazy! Dad: Yeah, she really got screwed! Chuckles ensued.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sumraunchysmell
πŸ“…︎ May 29 2014
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What’s pink and hard?

A pig with a flick knife.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/swimtoodeep
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2019
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