I didn't want to believe my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker

But when I got home all the signs were there

πŸ‘︎ 8k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/piemamamer
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2021
🚨︎ report
What is the least spoken language?

Sign language

πŸ‘︎ 114
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/lilkid96
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2021
🚨︎ report
My deaf girlfriend just told me β€œWe need to talk.”

That is not a good sign.

πŸ‘︎ 117
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife blindsided me this morning with this....

So I've been wanting to sell my motorcycle for a while but haven't gotten around to it.

While in the car this morning I saw a sign for a local shop that read "We buy used motorcycles." I pointed it out to her and she replies with, "if that's not a sign, I don't know what is."

I was so proud.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/bobkirby12
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2020
🚨︎ report
We will never run out of puns now!

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/communist_scumbag
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Hey dad, can we stop at the casino at the next exit?

Dad: Sure, why? Son: I need to go to the bathroom and the sign says they have the best craps in the state.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dtdisfraction
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2020
🚨︎ report
What the best way to make a muscle contract?

Make them sign on the dotted line.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/IAmTheTrueGeniud
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2020
🚨︎ report
The bird war is over

They signed a peace tweety

πŸ‘︎ 52
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/rebelalliance08
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the man say to the judge after running over chickens at a playground?

β€œIn my defense, Your Honor, there were no signs of fowl play”

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dingdongdan69
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2020
🚨︎ report
Yesterday I met someone who didn't know what Γ— (the multiplication symbol) meant...

It really is a sign of the times.

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/RandomPeepsle12
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2020
🚨︎ report
Curious

A guy sees a sign in front of a house:

"Talking Dog for Sale."

He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the mutt replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

The owner says, "Ten dollars."

The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him, so cheap?"

The owner replies, "'Cause he's fucking liar. He didn't do any of that shit."

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/spazpekker
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2020
🚨︎ report
I got lost while driving my suicidal friend to the hospital.

I should have seen the signs.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jpep0469
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2020
🚨︎ report
A detective arrives

11.45 : arrived at crime scene

11.45 : Examined body. Signs of struggle

11.45 : Found murder weapon in drain

11.45 : Realised watch was broken

.

.

.

.

.

My son: but this is not a dad joke.

Me : what is a day joke then?

My son : when the joke becomes a(p)parent.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Schrodingers_liar
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2020
🚨︎ report
An unemployed engineer opens a clinic..

An engineer who was unemployed for a long time decided to open a medical clinic. He puts a sign outside the clinic: "A cure for your ailment guaranteed at $500; we'll pay you $1,000 if we fail."

A Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $1,000 and goes to his clinic.

Doctor: "I have lost my sense of taste."

Engineer: "Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."

Doctor: "This is Gasoline!"

Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."

The Doctor gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days later to recover his money.

Doctor: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."

Engineer: "Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."

Doctor: "But that is Gasoline!"

Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."

The Doctor leaves angrily and comes back after several days, more determined than ever to make his money back.

Doctor: "My eyesight has become weak."

Engineer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for this. Take this $1,000," passing the doctor a $500 note.

Doctor: "But this is $500..."

Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your vision back! That will be $500."

πŸ‘︎ 394
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/tonheatz
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2020
🚨︎ report
I was driving with my dad through a town we hadn't been through.

At a point he turned to me and said "we're near the dead center of this town."

"What makes you think that?"

He points past me and I turn to see a sign for the city cemetery.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/strykr316
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2020
🚨︎ report
Once upon a time in numberland, a three-person race was held

In it took part the Minus sign, and the numbers zero and -2. All three ended the race at precisely the same time.

-2, Minus Won; 0 Won Too.

(Reddit, I am counting on you to make this stupid joke popular!)

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/keychainoi
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2020
🚨︎ report
I don’t think protesting works.

My whole life I’ve seen β€œEND ROAD WORK” signs, but they keep working on roads.

πŸ‘︎ 54
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/beardedbob9
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2020
🚨︎ report
I wonder how I didn’t know me and my girlfriend’s relationship was coming to a stop

All the signs were there

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/sir_swankington
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2020
🚨︎ report
This story is about a man called Trevor, and his obsession with tractors.

Trevor loved tractors. And I mean, really loved tractors. Forget any obsessions or high-level interests you may have, chances are they pale in the face of Trevor’s love for tractors.

Every day Trevor would get up, in his tractor-themed bedroom in his tractor-themed house, with its tractor-themed wallpaper and tractor-themed carpets, and he would make his bed with its tractor-themed duvet and tractor-themed sheets. He would go downstairs in his tractor-themed pajamas into his tractor-themed kitchen, with its tractor-themed tiles and cupboards, and he would eat his breakfast while perusing the latest tractor-themed magazine or annual.

Trevors’s degree in Agricultural Engineering hung on his living room wall, along with a copy of his thesis, which centred around (you guessed it) tractors. The living room was decorated with all sorts of tractor-related trinkets, including die-cast models, paintings and drawings.

The hedges in Trevor’s front garden were trimmed in the shape of tractors. His lawn was vividly decorated with tractor-driving garden gnomes, and his garden furniture was constructed from various parts from vintage tractor designs.

Trevor just had one thing missing from his otherwise tractor-centric life; he had never actually owned, nor driven, a real tractor.

Not for his lack of trying, of course. Trevor had been to many tractor shows over the years, and visited many farms with friends of his, but none of the tractors he had seen had ever been quite right. Trevor was so knowledgeable about tractors that every single one he had come across had possessed some hidden trait that he wasn’t keen on. His first experience of driving a real tractor had to be perfect.

One day, Trevor was flicking through one of his favourite publications, Powertrain Quarterly, when there was a knock at the door. Trevor answered, and it was his friend and fellow tractor enthusiast, Jeff.

Trevor welcomed Jeff in, and over tea and crumpets served on tractor-themed crockery, they discussed the merits of aluminium drawbars and front-end loaders. Eventually Trevor pressed Jeff to explain the reason for his visit.

β€œWell” said Jeff, β€œAs I’m sure you know the convention comes to town later”.

The convention. Trevor had been thinking of little else the past three weeks. The neighbouring town annually threw a convention for farmers, particularly farmyard machinery. There would be combine harvesters, lawnmowers, and of course, tractors.

β€œYes of course” replied Trevor

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ShredderSte
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
🚨︎ report
Paddy and his wife are on holiday in England visiting Historical Sites.

"This is where the Magna Carta was signed," said the tour guide, "One the most important documents in English History."

"When was it signed?" asked Paddy.

"1215," said the tour guide.

"OH NO!" said Paddy, "We missed it by 10 minutes!"

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Brucemoose1
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2020
🚨︎ report
For math lovers and others to
  1. Why was the fraction apprehensive about marrying the decimal? Because he would have to convert.

  2. Why do plants hate math? It gives them square roots.

  3. Why did the student get upset when his teacher called him average? It was a mean thing to say!

  4. Why was the math book depressed? It had a lot of problems.

  5. Why is the obtuse triangle always so frustrated? Because it is never right.

  6. Why can you never trust a math teacher holding graphing paper? HeΒ must be plotting something.

  7. Why was the equal sign so humble? Because she knew she wasn’t greater than or less than anyone else.

  8. What do you call the number 7 and the number 3 when they go out on a date? The odd couple

  9. What do you call a number that can’t stay in one place? A Roamin’ numeral.

  10. Did you hear the one about the statistician? Probably.

  11. What do you call dudes who love math? Algebros.

  12. I’ll do algebra, I’ll do trig. I’ll even do statistics. But graphing is where I draw the line!

  13. Why should you never talk to Pi? Because she’ll go on and on and on forever.

  14. Why are parallel lines so tragic if they have so much in common? It’s a shame they’ll never meet.

  15. Are monsters good at math? Not unless you Count Dracula.

  16. What’s the best way to flirt with a math teacher? Use acute angle.

  17. Did you hear about the mathematician who is afraid of negative numbers? They’d stop at nothing to avoid them.

  18. How do you stay warm in any room? Just huddle in the corner, where it’s always 90 degrees.

  19. Why is six afraid of seven? Because seven eight ("ate") nine!

  20. Why DID seven eat nine? Because you’re supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day!

  21. Why does nobody talk to circles? Because there is no point.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/InvestWithArihant
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2020
🚨︎ report
I ordered some big metal letters.

I wanted to make a sign that said "YOU & ME". So, I ordered some big metal letters.

When they arrived, the box was very damaged. I checked if everything was there, but the iron E was lost on me.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2020
🚨︎ report
Today my "O" button on my keyboard stopped working.

Maybe it was a sign I should've stopped o-ppressing the keyboard.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Mr__Weasels
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2020
🚨︎ report
Why can't there be mom jokes?

There are mom jokes -- you're just not listening when we tell them. (Signed, mom)

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/emilytaege
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2020
🚨︎ report
i heard my dad was stealing from his roadworks job

i didnt believe it at first but when i got home all the signs were there

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/redcliff89
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2020
🚨︎ report
At a rest stop, the other day, a cop asked me why I was stroking the ground....

β€œOfficer, the sign clearly says to β€˜pet area.’”

πŸ‘︎ 85
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/pj566
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2020
🚨︎ report
What is the least spoken language?

Sign language.

πŸ‘︎ 34
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2020
🚨︎ report
So I went to my local astrology group and was asked to take roll call. And wouldn’t you know it?

All the signs were there.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ChuckinTheCarma
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2021
🚨︎ report
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker.

But when I got home, all the signs were there.

πŸ‘︎ 53
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Papa_G_
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2020
🚨︎ report
What is the least spoken language in the world?

Sign language

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/lolyfe-dc
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2020
🚨︎ report
A giant list of puns from r/copypasta

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Thought I only had to take a piss, so I didn’t bring my phone.

I didn’t sign up for this shit.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kai_xi8
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2020
🚨︎ report
What is the least spoken language in the world?

Sign language

πŸ‘︎ 37
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/chiken_nuget_boy
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2020
🚨︎ report
I never wanted to believe that my brother was stealing from his job as a road worker

but when I got home, all the signs were there

πŸ‘︎ 671
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/FlashHash
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2020
🚨︎ report
What is the least spoken language in the world?

Sign language

πŸ‘︎ 15k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/InfyPlayz
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2020
🚨︎ report
What's the least spoken language in the world?

Sign language

πŸ‘︎ 141
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/buttered_t0asties
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2020
🚨︎ report
Help! I can't read anyone's posts!

I never learned sign language.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Devex123
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2020
🚨︎ report
My deaf girlfriend just told me, β€œWe need to talk.”

That is not a good sign.

πŸ‘︎ 258
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2020
🚨︎ report
An officer pulled me over for not stopping in a stop sign and asked why

I simply said "I don't speak sign language"

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/OshriM
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2020
🚨︎ report
I'm not someone that likes to brag

even if i wanted to, not everyone knows sign language

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Slymood
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2020
🚨︎ report
What language is the fastest?

Sign language, its the speed of light

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/frog_rapist69
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2020
🚨︎ report
What is the least spoken language in the world?

Sign Language

πŸ‘︎ 16k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Aakshaj
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2019
🚨︎ report
I refused to believe my son got fired as a road worker for theft.

But when I got home, all the signs were there

πŸ‘︎ 10k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/edotri
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2020
🚨︎ report
I saw a wooden post with writing on it today.

Must be a sign.

πŸ‘︎ 27
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2020
🚨︎ report
I went to the zoo the other day and saw a baguette in the cage

The sign said bread in captivity

πŸ‘︎ 167
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Def_Not_Alt_Acct
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2020
🚨︎ report
What is the least spoken language in the world?

Sign language

πŸ‘︎ 74
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Whymustudodat
πŸ“…︎ May 25 2020
🚨︎ report
My deaf girlfriend just told me β€œI think we need to talk.”

That’s not a good sign.

πŸ‘︎ 18k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2019
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.