My wife says I have two flaws

I don’t listen and then something else

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πŸ‘€︎ u/forstuvetankel
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2021
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My wife told me that I have two flaws:
  1. I never listen.

  2. Something else...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VikingLord17
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2019
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Its a pane in the glass to work at a window factory, I can see right through their flaws. Mirrors, however, is something I can really see myself doing.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/n3rv0u5
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2018
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My house has so many flaws

It takes me so long to walk up to the top one

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Saint-DOOM
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2019
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What do you call it when Brahms' instrument has a flaw?

It's Baroquen

Sorry fellow dads don't know a better way to phrase this feel free to repost if you have a better way of saying it

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πŸ‘€︎ u/nscherer923
πŸ“…︎ May 14 2019
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Scientist Found a Critical Flaw in General Relativity

It has since been demoted to a lieutenant.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/louisng114
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2019
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Me: Honey, we will all be happier if we start embracing our flaws.

Her: [gives me a hug]

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2018
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What do you call the flaws in someone's skin?

Skinconsistencies

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ThatKawaiiGuy
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2015
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Harvard University just ran a study proving 74% of the countries have flawed dams and it was dismissed

because it didnt hold water

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πŸ‘€︎ u/amigodojaspion
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2020
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My wife told me, β€œI don’t think I’ve ever seen you mop or sweep in my life!”

Me: β€œFloors are beneath me.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AustralianGroan
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2020
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If you are visiting Rome, be forewarned: it might take you a long time to get out of the city.

All their roads seem to have this weird design flaw.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2020
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A fly and a flea were trapped in a flue...

β€œLet’s flee!” Said the fly,

β€œLet’s fly!” Said the flea,

And they flew through a flaw in the flue...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mekkanik
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2020
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I've been stuck in Rome for a few weeks now...

I'm trying to get out, but all the roads have this weird design flaw...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MicroMJ
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2020
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Pun appreciation because the guy I’m seeing is too slow to get it

him: ugh I wish you could squirt

me: wtf I don’t call out all your flaws so don’t call out my short cummings

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CallMeMissKeesha
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2020
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A short essay on the benefits of beating the shit out of each other β€” A satirical essay based on a single, overplayed pun

In my opinion we should beat the shit out of constipated people because:

  1. Laxatives are an unhealthy way of dealing with feces. On the other hand, beating the shit out of someone is a good way to practice sports activities like, running, grip strength, punching techniques etc.

  2. Other methods of dealing with feces take alot of money. Laxatives aren't cheap in our flawed healthcare system! On the other hand, there are people that are willing to pay you to beat the shit out of you. By using this method you can become richer and deal with your shitty problems.

  3. Constipation requires being in the bathroom for a long time. This can be very lonely for the people involved. However, beating the shit out of others can be done in any place. Your home, the local park, or even the shady street corner! Not only that it's a very social activity, requiring a minimum of at least 2 people, but usually done in groups of 2-5 people.

Although some people might say, that beating the shit out of each other is violent, most of them have never been to a public toilet and hence are unable to realize how much more painful and violent the alternative is.

In summery, beating the shit out of people is a good, legitimate, and affordable alternative to laxatives and is a better, more progressive way, to deal with constipation.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/a5paperblank
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2020
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How about a mom joke?

We've had a terrible ant problem for the last few weeks, and found a product called Terro that works relatively well to kill them. I've been diligent in spreading the product around the house and outside.

Today, my mom came in my room, and told me: "All the ants are dead. You are a great Terrorist."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/johnnyblac
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2014
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Dad-joked my supervisor at my new job.

He was explaining how he didn't want to sell his apartment because the building it was in was really solid;

Him: "It's just really sturdy. It has no faults, you know. It has no flaws"

Me: "NO FLOORS?! THEN WHAT DO YOU STAND ON?!"

I then proceeded to slap my leg and laugh good and hard.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrSamKing
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2015
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First Impressions

So this was a few years back for me and I best give a bit of background info: I was in the beginning of a new relationship with a girl, in my late teens . We were both at the same bording school, so I had to ask permission from her parents and my parents if she'd be allowed to come visit for weekend and all that. Got all the permissions sorted out, and planned a dinner at a chinese place. My dad and step mum came along for the ride, along with my sister.

Now, my dad has a weakish bladder and went to the toilet upon entering the restaurant. Upon emptying his bladder, he announced to us "There was a penny in the toilet. Now there is Two Pee."

I groaned, my sister rolled her eyes and my step mum nearly killed him. My then girlfriend was just mortified (first time she'd met my dad).

At the end of the meal, my dad went to the toilet again. This time he came out with a 2p coin in a tissue, drying it. My then girlfriend was just looked at me as if to say "you're father is mental how are you sane."

I pointed out to my dad the flaw in his trick, stating he'd said it was a penny, not a 2p coin. I think my step mum hit him shortly after he dropped me off at my mum's...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Liquidbambam93
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2014
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