Fitting Out Puns

There was a muumuu here and a muumuu there, here a muu, there a muu, everywhere a muumuu.

No wonder why I'm not able to contact the dead.

We just don't share similar inch wrists.

It blew my mind.

I said, now that’s thinking outside of the box.

They are just prosthetic attempts at humor.

There was Hell toupee.

One is a funny beast, the other is a bunny feast.

They had prepared quite the spread with steak, corn, salad, and everyone had their own favorite side. The father had prepared his own signature spice blend and was encouraging everyone to try it. The son tried a little bit on his mac and cheese. Unfortunately he began coughing as it was too spicy, but was able to rinse it down with a bit of water and was fine.

The daughter didn't believe it could be as spicy as her brother claimed, so she put some of the spice blend on her mashed potatoes. She took a big bite and after a bit her face turned red and she began coughing and spluttering and went and got herself a glass of milk in order to help with the spiciness.

The mother laughed, knowing that the blend was spicy, but decided to try some anyway on her fries. She was conservative with her application, and could handle her spice better than her children so she thought she would be fine. And, if it weren't for a small bit of fry trying to go down the wrong pipe, causing her to cough, splutter and wheeze, she would have made it out unscathed.

Finally the father, after having witnessed that none of his family were able to master his own homemade spice blend, added it to every bit of his meal. The steak, the corn, his green beans and even his salad. He the requested some of each of the others' sides, and added the spices to some mac and cheese, mashed potatoes and fries as well. Then, to show he was not joking around, he added some hot sauce to top it all off. He began happily chowing down on every bit of it, completely unconcerned with the level of spice. He did not turn red, he did not cough, he did not splutter, he did not wheeze.

However, in his gusto to complete the meal, he was eating faster than he normal would and a half-chewed piece of steak unfortunately made it down the wrong pipe. His eyes went wide. Still, he did not cough, he did not splutter, he did not wheeze. But, he did begin to turn red. And then, he began to turn blue. Seeing that her husband was choking, the mother got up from the table and started trying to give the heimlich to the father. It didn't seem to be working until suddenly -- p-tooo, out came the piece of steak. Then the father coughed, spluttered and wheezed.

As he tried to regain his breath, his family heard that he was trying to say something between coughing fits. A 'thank you' to his wife, most likely. Or perhaps he was trying to say he should have slowed down and not eaten so fast to show them up. When he finally got

Save them to your Phone and always have witty jokes at the palm of your hand.

3.14 percent of sailors are pi-rates.

5/4 of people admit they’re bad at fractions.

A bartender broke up with her boyfriend, but he kept asking her for another shot.

A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. “I’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please,” it says. “Sorry, but I can’t serve you,” the bartender replies. “You’re out of your head.”

A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'

A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people: the student, his mama, and his pauper.

A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. “We don’t serve your kind here,” the bartender says. “Why not?” one yogurt asks. “We’re cultured.”

A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.

A friend of mine is known for sweeping girls off their feet. He’s an extremely aggressive janitor.

A guy walks into a bar, and there’s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before?” The guy says, “It’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place.”

A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.

A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, “What’s with the paper towel?” The pirate says, “Arrr! I’ve got a Bounty on me head!”

A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”

Armed robbers—some say they’re a drain on society, but you’ve got to give it to them.

Barbers…you have to take your hat off to them.

Can February March? No, but April May!

Cooking out this weekend? Don’t forget the pickle. It’s kind of a big dill.

Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don't think they'll fit me.

Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.

Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut!

Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up.

Daughter: I have a lot of friends named Nathan. There’s Nathan Miller, Nathan Radcliff, Nathan Lewis… Me: When they are together, do you call them the United Nathans?

Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.

Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!

Did you hear about the aquatic sea mammals that escape

Accord

Baby balloon asked mummy and daddy balloon if he could sleep in their bed as he was scared of the storm, daddy balloon said no, you're old enough to not be scared of a storm.

They all go to bed but baby balloon can't sleep, the storm gets louder and he gets really scared, so he decides he's going to squeeze into mummy and daddies bed anyway.

First he tries squeezing between the two of them but doesn't fit, so he undone his knot and let some air out and tried again, still didn't fit, so he undone mummies knot and let some air out, he still didn't fit, so he undone daddies knot and let some air out, still didn't fit.

So finally he undone his knot one more time and let a lot of air out, and he finally managed to fit between mummy and daddy and had a lovely nights sleep feeling safe while the storm passed over.

In the morning daddy balloon was not happy: 'look son, you're big enough and old enough to stay in your room and not be scared of a storm,

You let me down,

You let your mother down,

But most of all you let yourself down'.

I laughed, "Babe, it's a scarf!"

Hey guys, new to posting to the sub, just wanted to get some information on what is allowed and if there is an option to base an event.

I've never seen an image posted on Dad Jokes so I am just going to assume there is no image posting allowed in the sub.

If that is the case I just wanted to float out the idea of allowing images to be posted during the week of Halloween. There are a ton of great dad jokes embodied in creative costumes and since that fits the spirit of the sub, maybe an event can be created to exchange those jokes during a set time frame. Feedback or a direction to something I'm looking for would be much appreciated.

I hate to spoil my costume but to get an example of what to look for (mine is by no means anything special) I will give you the general idea. It will be 3 pieces in regular attire. A plastic sword, a fancy collar, and a balaclava made out of "invisible" material ;). I am going as the headless horsemen.

Had potential to misfire but worked perfectly.

Also, the other day my wife left a Monster energy drink under her bed, and we waited for her to come and ask "ok who put this monster under my bed?"

It’s called Tailor Swift.

"We're having a going out of fitness sale."

Get over him already babe

TLDR - I'd like to figure out how to work in "well hung" into my wood sign business name.

I'm up and running in a specific genre (sort of crass, inappropriate, edgy sayings, quotes, etc) and "well hung" works great as it fits well on both ends - edgy vibe I'm going for, and also...they are signs that need to be hung...well. I'd like a domain name that's available and well hung dot com an any others I've tried are all taken.

Only other aspect that could (optionally) be worked in would be anything to do with the fact that I use reclaimed , recycled, throw-away wood for all my projects to do my little part in cutting down on the enormous underutilization and total waste of wood that's happening everyday in America. I suppose if I have to I could drop the "well hung" thing and go that way if I like it more.

Suggestions?

True story: My wife came home from her job today (substitute teaching) and announced that she had brownies for everyone. In her arm she had a box of store bought brownies. When the kids got the box they opened it up to find several letter e’s cut out on brown construction paper.

Technically a mom joke, but I thought it fits.

My dad and I were checking out a Jawbone fitness tracker that my wife got today, when I asked:

Me: Where is the physical sync?

Dad: In the kitchen.

The mortician asked the deceased’s wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out the man looks good in the black suit he’s already wearing. The widow however said she thought her husband always looked his best in blue, and she would really like him in a blue suit. She then hands the mortician a blank cheque and says “I don’t care how much it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.” The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe. Remarkably, the suit fit him perfectly. She says to the mortician, “whatever this costs I’m very satisfied, you did an excellent job and I’m incredibly grateful. How much did you spend?” To her astonishment the mortician presents her with her blank cheque, and he says “there’s no charge.” Shocked she replies “no really, I feel like i must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit.” “Honestly ma’am”, the mortician says, “it costs nothing, you see a diseased gentleman about your husbands size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday. He was wearing an attractive blue suit. So I asked his wife if she minded if her husband went to the grave wearing black. She had said it made no difference so long as he looked nice. So from that point on it was really just a matter of switching the heads.”

Ok, so quick setup. In Australia "Safeway" is a grocery store chain.

With that established...

. . .

Q. How do you fit an elephant in a Safeway bag?

A. >!Take the "S" out of "Safe", and the "F" out of "Way"!<

She excitedly says yes, and the boy spends the entirety of the next day preparing for the big day.

The first thing he does to make it extra fancy is to rent a limousine for a day (yes, he is rich), but when he arrives at the rental center, he notices that many other people had the same idea. There was an enormous line that stretched out the building. Nevertheless, this boy was determined to make this night a special night, and waited for hours. Luckily, he succeeded in the end, and rented a shiny black limo. He was starting to get really excited.

After that, he goes to the tailor to pick up a brand new suit and tie to look as sharp as possible. But once again, the line for that wrapped around the block and forced the boy to wait another long hour. He sighed, but still waited in line, as he was quite persistent and knew it would be well worth it in the end. In the end, though, he got a perfect suit that fit him well. No wrinkles, no nothing; it was just pure handsomeness.

Then, the moment came. In his limousine, he once again drove up to his crush's house, well-dressed in the brand new suit he just bought. She came out looking stunning as well in an aqua dress that sparkled in the evening sunlight. Excited as ever, she leaped into the fancy limo and rode to prom with him, ready for the big night.

When they arrived, however, there was yet another long line into the ballroom, as many people needed to be accepted. It was quite a busy night. After half an hour of waiting, the couple finally made it through and began dancing. It was all going really well, and everyone was having quite a grand time.

A few hours later, they became thirsty and went to get a drink. Both him and his girlfriend were in the mood for fruit punch, but nobody else seemed to want it. When they entered the snack bar, they noticed more long lines of people wanting to get other snacks and drinks, but surprisingly... there was no punchline.

A: Mein Kraft

^(/u/a_fan_of_grump points out that if you spell it "meine kraft" then it's grammatically correct German and it means "my power" - quite fitting actually)

RETIRED HUSBAND

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to WalMart. Unfortunately, like most men; I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local WalMart:

Dear Mrs. Harris:

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store.

We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store.

Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a, 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the, 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his, 'Madonna Look' using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed;

'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

15. Took a bo

Papa balloon, Muma balloon and Bubba balloon.

Bubba balloon was still sleeping with Papa and Muma balloon but he was starting to get too big.

Papa and Muma balloon got a bedroom setup for Bubba balloon so they can finally sleep alone. But every night he would come in crying to sleep with Papa and Muma balloon but they never let up.

But one night, Bubba balloon waited for the Papa and Muma balloon to be faaaast asleep. He tried to squeeze in between them but he couldn't quite fit. Very carefully, he started to let some air out of Papa balloon... It wasn't enough. Very carefully, he let some air out of Muma balloon... But it still wasn't enough. He didn't want to deflate his parents any more... So he slowly let some air out of himself. It was perfect. He snuggled in and slept soundly.

The next morning, you could imagine how disappointed Papa and Muma balloon was. Papa balloon said: We tried to help you and tried to help you grow in toy a Big Boy balloon. We are so disappointed with you.

You let ME down... You let your Muma down... But most disappointing of all... You let yourself down!

Hey fam... My grandpa passed away yesterday and as I’ve been reflecting on old memories I vaguely remembered this old joke he used to tell me. I was hoping maybe someone in this community could help. I don’t remember much about it other than that it was about a suit that didn’t fit and the person in the joke had to keep getting it tailored. And maybe it was just the way my grandpa told the joke, but he’d always make this really theatrical voice and yell “hey! what did you do to my new suit?!” If anyone can help a grieving girl out that would be swell. :)

A woman went into a bar in Waco and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen. The woman asked him if it's true what they say about men with big feet being well endowed.

The cowboy grinned and said, "Shore is, little lady. Why don't you come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?"

The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him. The next morning she handed him a $100 bill.

Blushing, he said, "Well, thankee, ma'am. Ah'm real flattered. Ain't nobody ever paid me for mah services before."

"Don't be flattered," she said. "Take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit."

Recently a man had to go to the hospital to have his wedding ring cut off from his penis after his girlfriend found the ring in his pants pocket and got so mad at him she stuck it on him while he was asleep. Which is worse? having your girlfriend find out you're married explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your p***s Or finding out your penis fits through your wedding ring

He didn’t want to get in trouble s o he stopped his truck got out and started to pick up each broken piece of the wreckage and spread a creamy substance on it. Then he began fitting the pieces together. In less than 10 minutes, he had the entire tollbooth reconstructed and looking good as new. The toll manager came up to him, impressed and said, “Wow you fixed that fast! What was that stuff you used to stick all the pieces together?”
“Oh”, said the man, “just a bit of Tollgate booth paste“

A pirate walks into bar and sits down. The bartender notices that he has a peg leg, a hook for a hand, and a patch over one eye. The pirate orders a beer, and while he's pouring it the bartender asks "So what's the story with the leg?" "Well it were many a year ago," says the pirate. "I were walkin on the deck a me ship and a rogue wave swept me overboard, and a shark swum up and bit me leg clean off! I swum ashore and were fitted fer a peg leg that very night." "That's terrible," says the bartender. "What about the hand?" "Well it were the very next day," says the pirate. "I were walkin on the deck a me ship and a rogue wave swept me overboard again, and a whale came up and bit me hand clean off! I swum ashore and were fitted fer a hook that very night." "Wow," says the bartender. "So what about the eye?" "Well it were the very next day," says the pirate. "I were walkin on the deck a me ship, and I were lookin out fer rogue waves, and a seagull flew over and shit right in me eye!" "Oh man," says the bartender. "And that blinded you?" "Well no," says the pirate. "But it were me first day with the hook."

“Look at this, it still fits me after 25 years!”

I said, “it’s a scarf”

Apologize if this is a repost of some kind, my grandpa just sent me this as a text with his very limited energy. I wanted to honor his out-of-nowhere dad humor even in his old age.

Mom: "This cheque is too big to fit in the envelope"
Dad: "Why don't you just make it out for $100 then?"

I said, "Like a glove."

Gf: I'm just going to run into town and stuff. Me: make sure you stretch! Gf: ಠ_ಠ

Hello!

Maybe it doesn't really fit in here, but a friend and I want to do a podcast together and are still looking for a good name.

The podcast is just about made up crime stories (as a counter to the thousands of truecrime podcasts out there). It's not one hundred percent serious, but it's not meant to be overly funny either.

We're both big fans of dadjokes and word jokes, but can't come up with a good name.

We also don't want to gain a lot of notoriety with it, but just pass our time.

Maybe someone has a good idea?

Thanks for your support and stay healthy!

Every single time my response was, "I can't put your shoes on. They don't fit me."

I would laugh, they would glare. It was good times. Hopefully some of you with toddlers get as much mileage out of this one as I did.

So we were out celebrating my dad’s birthday last night. I said, “You and Mom are healthy and look good for your age. I wish I had your genes!” (I’m adopted.) Without missing a beat, Dad said, “You can have mine if you want, I can barely fit in them anymore!”

Still can’t figure out how I fit under it.

Turns out I was in no fit state to drive it home either.

.. and he's wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed, pointing out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing. The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.' The woman returns the next day and to her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly. She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?' To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check, 'There's no charge.' 'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit,' she says. 'Honestly, ma'am,' the mortician says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.' 'So I just switched the heads.'

A friend was getting married in a small church. I was part of the wedding party, and we were at wedding practice, making sure everything went off without a hitch. We noticed the bride to be seemed a bit agitated, so we asked her what was wrong.

"The church is so small," she said, "which I love - but where will we fit the musicians? we hired three string musicians to play us in and out of the wedding and there doesn't seem to be any place for them to play!"

I looked at my friend and his bride-to-be and smiled.

"You have nothing to worry about. Haven't you heard...?" They shook their heads in unison.

"THERE'S ALWAYS ROOM FOR CELLO."

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it's tearable.

I just watched a program about beavers. It was the best dam program I've ever seen.

Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged.

How does a penguin build it's house? Igloos it together.

Dad, did you get a haircut? No I got them all cut.

What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car? Carlos.

Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don't think they'll fit me.

Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.

Why don't skeletons ever go trick or treating? Because they have no body to go with.

Ill call you later. Don't call me later, call me Dad.

What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant

Want to hear a joke about construction? I'm still working on it.

What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho Cheese.

Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired.

What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little wine.

I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off.

Dad, did you get a haircut? No I got them all cut.

What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car? Carlos.

Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don’t think they’ll fit me.

Can I watch the TV? Dad: Yes, but don’t turn it on.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.

“Every time I hurt myself, even to this day, my dad says, ‘The good news is..it’ll feel better when it quits hurting.'”

What’s brown and sticky? A stick.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.

“I’ll call you later!”- “Please don’t do that. I’ve always asked you to call me Dad!”

Q: Why did the cookie cry? A: Because his father was a wafer so long!

What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff.

This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.

“My dad literally told me this one last week: ‘Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.’”

“Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, ‘No, just leave it in the carton!’”

I got so angry the other day when I couldn’t find my stress ball.

If I had a dime for every book I’ve ever read, I’d say: “Wow, that’s coincidental.”

I’m not indecisive. Unless you want me to be.

How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.

How does a penguin build it’s house? Igloos it together.

“Me: ‘Dad, make me a sandwich!’ Dad: ‘Poof, You’re a sandwich!’”

“I heard there was a new store called Moderation. They have everything there

A steak pun is a rare medium well done.

“How can you tell if a ant is a boy or a girl? They’re all girls, otherwise they’d be uncles.”

Milk is also the fastest liquid on earth – its pasteurized before you even see it

“What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1”

The only thing worse than having diarrhea is having to spell it.

I asked my friend to help me with a math problem. He said: “Don’t worry; this is a piece of cake.” I said: “No, it’s a math problem.”

I keep trying to lose weight, but it keeps finding me.

I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I’m just doing it for kicks.

Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head.

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?