Filter Puns

My wife comes up and asks me why I forgot to clean the sink. I said “What? Am I grounded?”

Please help my coffee tastes chunky

https://imgur.com/a/wi51bYh

I call it the HEPA-weizen.

Because we already reddit.

Distill my heart

Today was the first day of Lint

After it brewed, the coffee had too many grounds to appeal...

The other morning my daughter was feeling down because she has been outshined by a male in the mixed netball team and felt she couldn't do better because she was a girl.

I of course pointed out that girls can do anything that a guy can do if she puts her mind to it. So far so good.

ERROR - brain to mouth filter disengaged.

Then said, in earshot of my wife, look at your mother over there growing a moustache.

She did not find it as funny as we did.

...it's letting all sorts of cooked meats through.

First and foremost, I've decided to add a rule 7. Please, for the love of God, have the slightest bit of creativity and do not put the punchline of the joke in the title. The reasoning being as follows.

Most importantly, putting the punchline in the title ruins the joke, unless it is a one liner!
*
Secondarily, this is a puns subreddit dedicated to wordplay, if you lack the creativity to restate something in a humorous way rather than regurgitating the punchline as the header, perhaps this isn't the subreddit for you...

#Secondarily,

I've made a few minor spam filter tweaks. Your post will be caught in the spam filter if:

1. Your account has less than +3 combined comment and link karma.
2. Your account is less than 7 days old.

What will happen if your post is filtered is it will automatically go into the spam queue, and I'll try to have it unfiltered in the span of a couple of minutes/hours, but sometimes I do sleep so sadly it may take longer.

My post isn't appearing! How do I fix it?

If your post is not appearing and it has not violated any of the rules, feel free to drop us a mod message and I'll get a mobile notification within 30 minutes or so of the post removal, putting it on the fast track to being restored.

but they haven't quite worked all the kinks out

I replied, "I guess you can't go on r/shitty_car_mods."

coughy filters

I asked "Why are you wearing a surgical mask?"

She said "I'm not, it's a coughy filter."

But it turns out there were no grounds.

'it's a coughy filter.'

The masks are called coughy filters.

They could call them coughy filters.

I wear a coughing filter

"Welcome everyone to Dads Anonymous. Again my name is Bill and you will notice that we have a new member, please welcome Gary -- Can you tell us what brought you to us today?"

"Well I have a very embarrassing confession. It's even hard to get the words out."

Bill reassures him, "We are all dads here and have been meeting for decades, we've been through all the highs and lows, births and deaths, tragedies, we've heard it all. Just tell us what's on your mind son, we are here to support each other."

"Well, a couple months ago, I broke both my legs in a motorcycle accident and couldn't walk, so I let my wife use the lawnmower." He says through the sobs...

Bob, one of the other dads, starts to get pale. "...and she didn't even cut it in a crisp geometric pattern, it was just random..." Bob starts to sweat and get dry heaves. "YOU BASTARD", he screams. "HOW COULD YOU LET THAT HAPPEN." The dads rise and get ready to beat the crap out of Gary, when Bill stands between them and breaks it up.

"Guys! Guys, we all get weak sometimes and things happen outside our control. Doug, you remember when you were in recovering from Chemo and you gave your wife a hammer, and she used it to hammer a roofing nail into the drywall to hang a picture!" Doug, looks down in shame, "Yes, that was a bad day, I was so weak. She missed the stud and left a dent in the wall, and she just hung the picture over it, crooked!" There was dead silence. "Thats ok Doug, it was twenty years ago, you were young and foolish, you can let it go". Then all the dads shook hands and sat back down.

Bill starts the meeting up again. Then Gary says, "..theres one more thing, Right after I got out of the hospital, she wanted to make a special dinner for us, so I let her grill the steaks..." "OH LORD THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING!" screams Dave, another dad, his face turning red. Gary continues "...she burnt them one one side and they were dry and chewy." Now there is a bedlam, one dad immediately passes out cold, chairs are thrown, broken bottles, Gary is on the ground being kicked in the ribs. After a few tense minutes Bill managed to get the dads off of Gary. "Stop it, Dave you're killing him. Come on, you remember that time you let your wife go to the repair shop for an oil change?" Dave hung his head, and muttered yeah. "They convinced her to change the cabin filter, wiper blades and the radiator collant..." Bill kept prodding "and, aaand" ...Dave broke down, "and she bought a jug of blinker fluid!" T

Boss said it was because I had no filter

“Grande macchiato with oat milk, please.”

The cashier started to process his order, until the man asked “Why are you wearing a surgical mask?”

“I’m not”, said the barista, “it’s a coughy filter”.

It’s a coughy filter

(Credit to u/sniggihs)

we can use coughy filters

They could be used as grounds for divorce

Replacing light bulbs, replacing the air filter, repainting that one wall, etc

It turned into a real brewhaha.

My folks came up to visit. My mom flubbed the coffee, putting the grounds in the water chamber and she had to disassemble it and clean it before making coffee. Once we had piping hot cups all around my dad chimes in with this:

"You know, messing up the coffee is grounds for divorce."

So I'm a senior in high school and I was telling my Dad about how the bathrooms always smell like smoke.

Me: The bathrooms smell like smoke and they throw the cigarette butts in the urinals

Dad: (chuckles)

Me: What?

Dad: You're not supposed to put your butt in the urinal

A Coughy Filter!

You boil the hell out of it!

She asked if I could get some out of the fridge, there is a filtered pitcher and also a jug.

I told her I would take a pitcher, it would last longer.

So my mom had jsut gone to the store to get extra fine filter floss for the aquarium I am setting up for her. The conversation went like this:

Mom: "I saw this and thought it is what you meant. It's super-fine floss. Will this work?"

Me: "Yeah, that's fine" (mom rolls eyes)

Dad: "Well that's what she said zwhenry, it's fine. Will it work though?"

My mom left the room without another word while my dad and I were trying to contain our laughter.

I took a drink of coffee the other morning and it nearly knocked my socks off.

Me: What the heck did you do to this coffee? Wife: Oh, I forgot to tell you that the coffee is strong this morning. I guess it's because the filter was... ripped.

"Don't use the max setting on the stove ventilator." "Why not?" "The pancakes get stuck in the filter."

You can tell he's proud.

Let me preface this with some info. Firstly, me and my father are idiots; our jokes can become insensitive if we aren't careful, as we have few filters. My parents live in a tiny town amidst a thousand other tiny towns. One of the tiny towns right beside us (let's call it Townsburg) has a lot of forest and extra land, so towards the end of the summer when it's still hot but the land is starting to dry out, it's rather susceptible to fires. The other day, Townsburg caught fire in a few different places. The town my parents live in (we'll call it Cityville) is the sausage capital of our state. Yep. Sausage capital. Like brisket and such. Our proudest export is meat. Meat is what we are most proud of. I don't live there anymore, thank the universe.

So I went by my parents house on the way home from work one day to check on my retired, sick father, and watch the news with him (something I try to do whenever I can). And what happened next, well, it all just happened so fast...

Me: "Whoa, Townsburg is on fire again. I guess Cityville isn't the barbecue capital anymore, AYO." Dad: "Nope. Looks like they're about to be the barbecued capital." Me: "...we may need to stop hanging out so much."

It's a coughy filter

It’s a coughy filter....

it’s a coughy filter.

She said, "It's not a mask. It's a coughy filter."