Extra Time Puns

The same is true for clocks.

(PSA: Remember to correct yours tonight, as applicable.)

The internet is going to have more traffic than usual

Thumb thumb THUUUMB!

His funeral will be held at 350 for about 20 minutes.

The times are rough

After failing to win for about 9 times in a row, Jaime, hired a spy who will go and check Jack's harvest the night before the contest so he can harvest more. As the spy came back the night before, he informed the farmer Jaime about the amount that he saw inside Jack's yard but he was not able to tell the amount in exact. Jaime took the spy to his paddy field, gave him some extra money than what they initially agreed upon and said...

"You reap what you saw".

Not completely sure this is a dadjoke but it sure got the same reaction. This happened about two years ago.

My wife used to work nights and on Friday and Saturday after she went to work, my then-12yo son and I would often watch a movie together. Sometimes he picked, usually it was a movie from The List, movies I liked when I was his age, things that shaped my sense of humor. I want him to be able to recognize the stupid quotes and references I throw at him. It’s his cultural education.

So we settled in for Groundhog Day. I’m a sucker for time travel shenanigans. Finished it up, he enjoyed it, and the next morning he was off to Boy Scout camp for a week.

He came back, we’re all excited to see him, and I tell him I got Groundhog Day 2 from Netflix. Threw it in the DVD player and we got about 20 minutes into before he looked at me and said “this is just Groundhog Day all over again, isn’t it? There is no Groundhog Day 2.”

So worth an extra week hanging onto the disc.

I take extra D on the side that time of year

English and Spanish.

The Trump administration is making a game out of getting Latinos out of the country, they call it deporte.

Spanish heathens have to pay extra to preforn their ceremonies. Pagan rituals

What sci-fi weapon does the King of Spain prefer? A rey-gun!

Do you know how many times anyone had to tell me how to say 'eleven' in Spanish? Once.

Exclusivamente en español (Perdón por errores gramaticales)

Qué comida es el mas mojado? El agua-cate

Cual comida no puede decir una mentira? La verdadura

Como se llama un libro sobra la revolución? Libre!

Qué es exactamente una mejor que Beyonce? Beydoce

Cual animal siempre tiene un novio o novia? El Parejaro.

Cual comida es el menos diverido? Aburrito.

Sobre que papel de pelicula de Madonna no le quiere hablar? Evita!

Quiero que me digáis mas. Nunca tengo suficiente bromas!

They didn't appreciate those extra hours I put in.

Jokes on them, now I have all this extra time on my hands.

There was two farms next to each other, separated by a long fence. The two farmers were called nick and Barry. They were both very resourceful farmers, using each and every square inch of land to grow on. Both would tend to their crops twice a day every single day, and became friends. However, both farmers were penny pinchers, and would often try and take a few extra crops from the other side of the fence, which lead to arguments. One day, Barry came out to tend his crops, but nick did not appear once. This continued for several days. Both sets of crops continued to grow, along and up the fence, eventually intertwining. Both farmers were growing wheat. After around 5 days, Barry came out and to his delight, saw nick tending to his harvest. However, this delight soon changed to frustration as he saw nick taking extra crops from his side. "Where have you been, and what do you think you're doing?" He exclaimed. "I'm taking in my wheat, and I haven't been out for a few days due to illness. I've been feeling queasy and dizzy when I stand up, with a throbbing pain in my head each time. But it's ok, they're only headaches." "Oh I don't think so mister" said Barry.

"Those are my grains!"

Hey guys. As I'm sure most of you know, it's currently Thanksgiving in Canada. This time of year for me has, in the past, caused a lot of issues in my life.

To give a little bit of background on me, I'm usually an extremely healthy and fit guy, as I play high-level sports and have a physically demanding job. However, for much of my life, my willpower began to crumble around this time of year.

I first started taking my diet seriously when I was about 12 years old. I had some kind of realization where like, I dunno, I started looking at how jacked these movie stars were and was all, "wow, I want to be that cool too." Judging by the bowl cut I had when I was 12, my perception of cool may have been a little skewed, but I digress.

Anyhow, it was my first Thanksgiving where everything started falling apart. One of my relative's families ended up no-showing for dinner, so we were left with a load of Thanksgiving leftovers. For the next week, every single meal or snack I had was Thanksgiving themed. Sandwich? Turkey sandwich. Breakfast? Let's dollop some cranberry sauce on that bad boy. By the next week, my BGC (blood gravy content) was probably at like 1.0%.

You'd think I'd be sick of holiday food after that. But no. I loved it.

The tradition of refrigerated Thanksgiving snacks continued throughout the rest of my teen years. Like clockwork, the numbers on the scale would significantly jump upwards in October, with Halloween candy adding an extra layer of calories on top. By the time I reached 17, my waist had begun noticeably ballooning, and I realized it was all due to Thanksgiving turkey. Sure, I had some at Christmas and sometimes at Easter, but never like that. My mother would encourage this habit, making more food each year to be stuffed into our packed refrigerator.

The movie star bod I wanted for so much at the age of 12 was slipping a way. I needed to put an end to this.

Flash forward to October 2015, age 18. I had made a vow: I never again would place such putrid poultry onto my tastebuds. And ever since that fateful week of 2014, my vow had held true.

Each Thanksgiving, I can feel that craving for chilled turkey knocking on the refrigerator door of my fragile ego. For three years, I've held strong. But when will the garrison fall? When will that soft, biting flesh of the big bird smash it's way back into my life.

But so far, I've quit cold turkey.

Dad: It's all the extra mooo-cus in your throat.

Took me a few times over to catch it... sigh...

Hi Folks, If you are a linguist then I am selling your dream car! I’m selling an Accent, a 2004 Hyundai Accent to be precise. Even if you don’t know a bunch of languages, this car is still great for you.

Just like me, it’s been around the birthday block a few times, but there’s still lots of life left in both of us, I guarantee! If you are looking for the perfect body, seek out a surgeon. If you’re looking for a car that will love you just the way you are, this is it. Now I know what you’re thinking, “I bet this is a junker”, but you’d be wrong. Next to my wife this is the best body I’ve ever had my hands on.

What’s wrong with it mechanically you ask? Nothing! It drives great, A/C & heat still work like a dream, breaks work, transmission shifts good, and the 1.6L engine runs great. With its age, the engine has had some parts replaced. All the belts have recently been changed, that happens with age as I just went up a few sizes myself. The washer fluid pump has been changed because it’s important to be able to have a good cry once in a while. I did an oil change in the summer and depending on how long it takes for this car to finds it’s new match, I will do another in the next month or so.

Since beauty is in the eye of the beholder, I’ll give you a run down of what the interior is like. It’s what’s on the inside that matters anyway right? I am the 3rd owner of this car and the previous owner was a smoker. I don’t believe there is a cigarette smell anymore but the cloth seats do have little holes in them. I mean hey, when you play with fire you get burnt right? The stereo head unit has been replaced with a modern Pioneer as the original just wasn’t in tune with my musical needs as a Dj. The only real problem this pretty young thing has is the passenger rear seatbelt does not retract. Since I have two mini controllers I taxi around, I’ve had car seats in the back and have had no reason to replace the seatbelt yet. A new one is only a cool $250 from Hyundai but will take some time for delivery. There are still 4 working seatbelts in the car so if you’re traveling with another couple, I’m sure they’ll love to cuddle up in the middle and behind you, the driver.

The trunk is spacious enough for the average trunk but just doesn’t work out so well for hauling Dj gear. The rear seats fold as easy a poker player having their bluff called, so it will give you extra room. Not much more that I can think of to tell you about but take a look at the plethora of p

Me: I wouldn't mind being a bit taller.
Friend: You could grow taller. I grew about an extra inch at your age and an extra half inch in my feet. I went from 8 1/2 shoes to 9 shoes. I wear 9 shoes now.
Me: You wear all of them at the same time?
Friend: (Annoyed look)

A friend of mine built a bridge out of tissues and asked me if I'd be willing to test it out. After looking at it, I told him that I might if he let me add some extra supports. I hope he didn't take it personally, it's just that for the longest time I've had these truss tissues.

Today I attempted for the first time ever to make my own mozzarella. I had my mom help me out because some of the instructions were very exact and I needed some extra hands. As we're scooping the curds from the pot and straining it I paused and said:

"Hang on a second, let me get that out of the whey."

We both stood there laughing for a bit, it was so bad it was good.

Long post is long:

Her: Remember dad's tomato bushes? Well they're attacking! At least one is leaning across the path trying to get at my window... We had the war of the roses, now its time for the attack of the tomatoes!

Me: I don't remember anything about tomato bushes. From one battle to the next.

Her: Yep! Lookout tomatoes here comes the chutney recipe!

Me: I can just imagine a cucumber campaign. Operation onion would be next, which will fail, causing everyone to cry. Dill Day follows, a great success for the allied gardeners. All too soon though, the kamikaze carrots set in, utterly ruining the radish raid. The mushroom maneuver is employed, saving the troops, allowing them to deal the final blow in the asparagus assault!

Her: Don't forget the pumpkins want to supply ground cover with heavy support...

Me: Ah yes, the pumpkin paratroopers.

Her: Thyme is running out...

Me: Prepare the beetroot bombs!!!

Her: Aim for Potato Garden!

Me: Fire the capsicum! Deploy the celery team!

Her: Bring in the egg plant division to support the capsicum!

Me: This is it boys, life or dirt! I want a passionfruit unit to find us a vantage point, and the strawberry unit to surround them!

Her: We had better bring the lettuce up to date!

Me: The cabbage are under withering fire, we need support from the raspberry division! The potatoes are mashed, so well need to send the zucchini in their place!

Her: The zucchini can't take that heavy fire, they'll be grated. Send spinach for some extra iron. The sweet potatoes are digging in at the ridge.

Me: Prepare the watermelon bomb, we need to finish this! The eggplant were squashed, deploy the broccoli brigade! The beans need to get out of there, or they'll be split!

Her: Cauliflowers are going in to retrieve the beans. How brave to risk their florets!

The corn commandos are deployed, but the artichokes are all out of heart, we need to boost morale.

Me: The leeks are down! They'll be flattened if we don't do something!

Are the spinach still operational?

Her: Too bad the pepper isn't on our side, they're well seasoned troops.

Spinach is a go!
Nothing has touched it...

Me: But wait! We still have the chillies to give them heavy fire!

Her: And the squashes and peas!

Me: The ginger is holding it's ground, but it's being cut down by the pineapple!

The basil should make things interesting, send them to aid the potatoes.

**Her:

This happened a few weeks ago. I had a little extra time at lunch one day so I decided to stop at a furniture store since we've been looking at getting a new couch.

I'm leisurely walking around the store browsing with my hands in my pockets when I see an elderly couple being shown around by the salesman. The old gentleman sees me and gets a smirk. He wobbles over too me, away from his wife and the salesman, leans in so only I can hear and, out of the blue, says:

"He who has his hands in his pockets has more on the ball than at first it would seem."

He smiles, says nothing else, and wobbles back. That put a smile on my face and had me laughing the rest of the day.

Wife: Why do you have to add extra words to sentences all the time?

Me: Because complete sentences make sense.

W: I didn't know I could get paid for talking!

M: Huh?

W: Complete sentences make "cents!"

Folks, don't let your wives make Dad Jokes.

Played hearts for the first time yesterday with the girlfriend and another friend. We played a variant where the Jack of Diamonds was worth extra points. In the first round, I played the jack in one trick and inadvertently lost it to the more experienced player. "That is what happens if you play the jack too early," she said.

Me: "Premature Jack-ulation..."

Laughs/ groans.

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip
to Rome with her husband..

She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded: " Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty.
You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late.
So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it's going to be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo.
The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful,
and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot..
And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city.
They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.
Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

"Oh, really! What'd he say?"

scroll down.....

He said: "Who fucked up your hair?"

Some family friends of ours needed our help mass producing some ginger bread houses for an event they do every year. They make an insane amount of pieces, so they need help cutting out the doors, windows, and over all assembly. The family friend, my dad, and myself were all cutting out windows and doors when this happened:

Me: Aw man, one of these pieces just broke.

Family Friend: It's alright, we have extra. But every time I see one fall apart I see 30 minutes of my life go away.

Dad: Well I guess that's the way the cookie crumbles.

Me: loses it

Her breed was only supposed to have 2-3 per little, yet Pumpkin ended up squeezing out 7 of the little nuggets. So of course she had a lot of extra skin hanging from her belly. For the next 6 months, my dad took it upon himself to comment, "Oh Pumpkin, you look udderly ridiculous!" Followed by a hearty chuckle. Every. Time.

He would always look around to make sure at least one family member was there to appreciate this comedy gold. It got so bad that even the employees at his office begged him to stop.

But of course he did not, and will still bring it up every once in a while to this day.

When I was in high school, I babysat 2 boys (who at the time of this story, were aged 7 and 10) for some extra cash. One day I was eating dinner with the family when the younger brother said that he couldn't wait to be in the fourth grade like his older brother.

"It's not that great," said the older one. "Once you're in the fourth grade, you have to read a bunch of books for a summer reading log and write a report on one." (In my county, there are mandatory summer assignments, the most common ones are English assignments.)

Their dad said, "Summer projects are good! They help stimulate your brain over the summer! If you don't brush up on your education for those three months, you could lose all of your smartness and never get it back!"

Older brother: "Yeah right. And how did you find that out?"

Me: "Well, they do say that firsthand experience is the best way to learn."

Best Friends GF-No it needs a little extra time. I fudged it.