Librarian: "Well, that would kinda defeat the purpose, don't you think?"
Certainly Sir, said the receptionist...this is the Lobby.
I still have to wear my underwear.
I’ll never forget that first day at school when the teacher asked did we know any French...
My response: why did he change his name to quickly?
Sir this is a Hole Foods.
"No" he said, "It kills them"
Ex-POO-se me! 🤦
'Cause I could step-dad in.
At least that way your friends can never call you flakey.
Cashier: No. You have to pay for it.
"No sir it'll be round."
*joke courtesy of a local restaurant
"My dog ate my computer."
“Yes officer, I’m only going one way”. I replied.
“I didn’t have time to do my laundry last night, so my soot is dirty!”
The owner quickly replies, “No, they’re mine!”
"What's a henway?"
Oh, about two pounds
Me: You got the goods?
Dealer: I have an alloy of iron and carbon for only $1.
Me: My, what a steel!
Guy: Hey, wanna hear my joke?
Boxer: I dunno, man. People always say I ruin their punchline.
Teacher: What are the four components of DNA?
Student: Actually, there are five: Adenine, cytosine, guanine, thymine--
Teacher: Oh? And the fifth one?
Student: I got I got I got I got...
Me (metric): Why does America use the imperial system? It's stupid.
Friend (imperial): Actually, other places use the imperial system.
Me: Which other places?
Friend: The Galactic Empire.
Guy: I hate spam.
Me: I like sushi.
Me: I like sushi.
Me: I like sushi.
...
Someone: Son of a gun...
Someone Else: Now you've just pistoled me off!
Okay, I know these are not the greatest puns ever, but this is my first post in this subreddit. Anyway, now here are the explanations:
Joke 1 - An alloy of carbon and iron is popularly referred to as steel, and stainless steel costs $2.41, in which the item receives a 58.51% reduction in cost, which is a mighty bargain, also known as a steal.
Joke 2 - Boxing is a sport in which your only goal is to knock your opponent out through a series of punches. The ending or twist of a joke is commonly referred to as the punchline of said joke.
Joke 3 - Check out Kendrick Lamar's DNA song.
Joke 4 - Troops and personnel of the Galactic Empire from Star Wars are commonly referred to as the Imperials.
Joke 5 - Spam musubi, or just spam, is a type of sushi. On the internet, spam is referred to as the repetition of a specific message, especially when emailing, to annoy or advertise a product/website to someone.
Joke 6 - The phrase, "Son of a gun", is a friendlier alternative to the phrase, "Son of a bitch!" Also, when you annoy someone, that means that you pissed them off, which sounds a bit like "pistoled".
ICU baby, shaking that ass
"It's not easy being green"
"I was hoping that you could give me some pointers."
The priest, after taking a moment to accept the fact that he's speaking with a pastry, offers a warm smile in response.
"That is truly a noble calling." he says. "Most frequently, individuals who wish to become priests begin by growing active in their parish, then entering a seminary. While in attendance there, would-be clergy members work to excel in every regard, reaffirming their beliefs and devoting themselves to the path of righteousness. When the time comes, a given initiate will be ordained as a deacon, which will allow them passage to priesthood."
"That sounds like a very involved process." the donut confesses. "I'm not sure I have the time."
"If you don't mind me asking…" replies the priest. "What made you think you wanted to join the clergy if you're not willing to make a commitment to the process? Why do you want to be a priest at all?"
"Well…" the donut answers. "See, it's because I'm holey."
Woman: Maybe, what's it for?
Me: CAW! CAW! CAW! CAW!
Woman: Excuse me?
Me: It's four good caws
She kicked me out and said “The men I please are none of your business!”
The waiter responds, "Nothing special, sir. We just tell them straight out that they're going to die."
I think I'll have some cake!
Does it come with window dressing?
Bookstore guy: Of course, sir. Which one?
Me: William.
Oh shit! Some asshole has my pen.
"Sir," he said, "that's a calendar."
Man: "Yes!" Reporter: "Name?" Man: "Belly Jons." Reporter: "Sex?" Man: "Three to five times a week." Reporter: "No no! I mean male or female?" Man: "Yes, male, female... sometimes camel." Reporter: "Holy cow!" Man: "Yes, cow, sheep... animals in general." Reporter: "But isn't that hostile?" Man: "Yes, horse style, dog style, any style." Reporter: "Oh dear!" Man: "No, no deer. Deer run too fast. Hard to catch."
I'll never forget that first day at school when the teacher asked did we know any French
I’ll never forget that first day at school when the teacher asked did we know any French...
She kicked me out and said “The men I please are none of your business!”
I'll never forget that first day of school when the teacher asked if we knew any other language's
The guy said, “Of course. Which one?”
Me: William.
