Me: "Excuse me, can you show me where the self help books are?"

Librarian: "Well, that would kinda defeat the purpose, don't you think?"

πŸ‘︎ 528
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2021
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What's your excuse?
πŸ‘︎ 33
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Birthday_Euphoric
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2021
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A Man in a hotel has trouble finding his room, goes down to the front desk and asks ' Excuse me, can you tell me what room I'm in please ? '

Certainly Sir, said the receptionist...this is the Lobby.

πŸ‘︎ 43
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HugoZHackenbush2
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2021
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Having a big nose is no excuse for not wearing a mask.

I still have to wear my underwear.

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2021
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When I was a kid, my parents would always say, β€œExcuse my French” after a swear word...

I’ll never forget that first day at school when the teacher asked did we know any French...

πŸ‘︎ 91
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2020
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Husband: Excuse me, I have to call my client quickly

My response: why did he change his name to quickly?

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/amylouise0185
πŸ“…︎ Mar 18 2021
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Excuse me, why are there only donuts, bagels, and swiss cheese at this store?

Sir this is a Hole Foods.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fathertime108
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2020
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I was in town earlier on looking for some fly killer. I picked up a can and asked the young store assistant "Excuse me, is this any good for wasps?"

"No" he said, "It kills them"

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2020
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My 7 yr old sister did a huge fart and I told her to say excuse me and she follows with this:

Ex-POO-se me! 🀦

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/papadom94
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2020
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Excuse me, is someone doing dad jokes over here ?

'Cause I could step-dad in.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mr_CAVOK
πŸ“…︎ Aug 14 2020
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Excuse my gallows humor...
πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/brandondsantos
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2020
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If you ever have to cancel plans with friends your excuse should be that you have to wash your hair in a lukewarm shower with high quality dandruff shampoo.

At least that way your friends can never call you flakey.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bumblebus
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2020
🚨︎ report
"excuse me, is this sugar free?"

Cashier: No. You have to pay for it.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/invertedparadoxxx
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2020
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"Excuse me sir, will the pizza be long?"

"No sir it'll be round."

*joke courtesy of a local restaurant

πŸ‘︎ 245
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GreenSquid
πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2019
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What excuse did the student use to get away with skipping their zoom lecture?

"My dog ate my computer."

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Anti1447
πŸ“…︎ May 13 2020
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A policeman stopped me in my car and said β€œExcuse me sir. Do you know this is a one way street?”

β€œYes officer, I’m only going one way”. I replied.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cwwspurs
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2020
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Excuse me, is this a bank because...

I'm alone

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ZippyDaFish
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2020
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What was the coal-miner’s excuse to his boss?

β€œI didn’t have time to do my laundry last night, so my soot is dirty!”

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mirrortoremind
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2020
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A man is walking his dogs and another guy asks β€œexcuse me are they Jack Russels?”

The owner quickly replies, β€œNo, they’re mine!”

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dandan_56
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2020
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Excuse me, but have you seen my henway?

"What's a henway?"

Oh, about two pounds

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bad_thrower
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2019
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Excuse me, would you happen to have the thyme?
πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AnniesBoobsNo9
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2019
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A List of Puns (and other excuses for good humor)

Me: You got the goods?

Dealer: I have an alloy of iron and carbon for only $1.

Me: My, what a steel!

Guy: Hey, wanna hear my joke?

Boxer: I dunno, man. People always say I ruin their punchline.

Teacher: What are the four components of DNA?

Student: Actually, there are five: Adenine, cytosine, guanine, thymine--

Teacher: Oh? And the fifth one?

Student: I got I got I got I got...

Me (metric): Why does America use the imperial system? It's stupid.

Friend (imperial): Actually, other places use the imperial system.

Me: Which other places?

Friend: The Galactic Empire.

Guy: I hate spam.

Me: I like sushi.

Me: I like sushi.

Me: I like sushi.

...

Someone: Son of a gun...

Someone Else: Now you've just pistoled me off!

Okay, I know these are not the greatest puns ever, but this is my first post in this subreddit. Anyway, now here are the explanations:

Joke 1 - An alloy of carbon and iron is popularly referred to as steel, and stainless steel costs $2.41, in which the item receives a 58.51% reduction in cost, which is a mighty bargain, also known as a steal.

Joke 2 - Boxing is a sport in which your only goal is to knock your opponent out through a series of punches. The ending or twist of a joke is commonly referred to as the punchline of said joke.

Joke 3 - Check out Kendrick Lamar's DNA song.

Joke 4 - Troops and personnel of the Galactic Empire from Star Wars are commonly referred to as the Imperials.

Joke 5 - Spam musubi, or just spam, is a type of sushi. On the internet, spam is referred to as the repetition of a specific message, especially when emailing, to annoy or advertise a product/website to someone.

Joke 6 - The phrase, "Son of a gun", is a friendlier alternative to the phrase, "Son of a bitch!" Also, when you annoy someone, that means that you pissed them off, which sounds a bit like "pistoled".

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/U2BURR
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2019
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Excuse me, doctor - my husband was rushed in with violent spasms in his buttocks. Where is he please?

ICU baby, shaking that ass

πŸ‘︎ 50
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CPike90
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2019
🚨︎ report
Excuse me while I kick this guy!
πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2018
🚨︎ report
What is kermit the Frog's excuse for not recycling?

"It's not easy being green"

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hoochthemoon
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2019
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Excuse my ice
πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ea1oo
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2019
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A donut walks into a church, approaches the priest and explains "Excuse me, Father, I don't mean to trouble you, but I'm very interested in joining the clergy."

"I was hoping that you could give me some pointers."

The priest, after taking a moment to accept the fact that he's speaking with a pastry, offers a warm smile in response.

"That is truly a noble calling." he says. "Most frequently, individuals who wish to become priests begin by growing active in their parish, then entering a seminary. While in attendance there, would-be clergy members work to excel in every regard, reaffirming their beliefs and devoting themselves to the path of righteousness. When the time comes, a given initiate will be ordained as a deacon, which will allow them passage to priesthood."

"That sounds like a very involved process." the donut confesses. "I'm not sure I have the time."

"If you don't mind me asking…" replies the priest. "What made you think you wanted to join the clergy if you're not willing to make a commitment to the process? Why do you want to be a priest at all?"

"Well…" the donut answers. "See, it's because I'm holey."

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2019
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Excuse me, pun master coming through
πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pasta_pants
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2019
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Me: Excuse me ma'am, would you like to join our charity?

Woman: Maybe, what's it for?

Me: CAW! CAW! CAW! CAW!

Woman: Excuse me?

Me: It's four good caws

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/xThereon
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2019
🚨︎ report
There's no excuse for battered shrimp
πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tableshade12
πŸ“…︎ Aug 26 2019
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I was at a restaurant and said to the waitress ”Excuse me, can I ask you something about the menu please?”

She kicked me out and said β€œThe men I please are none of your business!”

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/The_Nightman_82
πŸ“…︎ Jul 11 2019
🚨︎ report
A man asks the waiter, "Excuse me, how do you prepare your chicken?"

The waiter responds, "Nothing special, sir. We just tell them straight out that they're going to die."

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Perrin42
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2019
🚨︎ report
For National No Excuses Day...

I think I'll have some cake!

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/devildocjames
πŸ“…︎ Sep 27 2019
🚨︎ report
Excuse me while I go take a *mild deuce*
πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kittycatclaws93
πŸ“…︎ Apr 21 2019
🚨︎ report
Excuse me waiter, I have a question about the house salad....

Does it come with window dressing?

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/weirdgroovynerd
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2019
🚨︎ report
I went to a bookstore and asked, β€œExcuse me, do you have a book by Shakespeare?”

Bookstore guy: Of course, sir. Which one?

Me: William.

πŸ‘︎ 176
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2018
🚨︎ report
Excuse me, nurse. Why do you have a rectal thermometer behind your ear?

Oh shit! Some asshole has my pen.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AskSageNate
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2019
🚨︎ report
How do cows say excuse me?

MOOOOOOVE

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OldManSaxon
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2018
🚨︎ report
"Excuse me, what's the expiry date on this?" I asked the shop assistant.

"Sir," he said, "that's a calendar."

πŸ‘︎ 34
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2018
🚨︎ report
Reporter: "Excuse me, may I interview you?"

Man: "Yes!" Reporter: "Name?" Man: "Belly Jons." Reporter: "Sex?" Man: "Three to five times a week." Reporter: "No no! I mean male or female?" Man: "Yes, male, female... sometimes camel." Reporter: "Holy cow!" Man: "Yes, cow, sheep... animals in general." Reporter: "But isn't that hostile?" Man: "Yes, horse style, dog style, any style." Reporter: "Oh dear!" Man: "No, no deer. Deer run too fast. Hard to catch."

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Teachdis
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2018
🚨︎ report
Peas excuse the pun
πŸ‘︎ 127
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GasStationBacon
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2013
🚨︎ report
When I was a kid, my parents would always say "Excuse my french" after a swear word.

I'll never forget that first day at school when the teacher asked did we know any French

πŸ‘︎ 677
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2020
🚨︎ report
When I was a kid, my parents would always say, β€œExcuse my French” after a swear word...

I’ll never forget that first day at school when the teacher asked did we know any French...

πŸ‘︎ 10k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Jul 14 2019
🚨︎ report
I was at a restaurant and said to the waitress ”Excuse me, can I ask you something about the menu please?”

She kicked me out and said β€œThe men I please are none of your business!”

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TeeFarkas
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23 2019
🚨︎ report
When i was a kid my parents would always say "excuse my French" after a cuss word

I'll never forget that first day of school when the teacher asked if we knew any other language's

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MLGBANANABUS
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2019
🚨︎ report
I went to the bookstore and asked the guy, β€œ Excuse me, do you have a book by Shakespeare?”

The guy said, β€œOf course. Which one?”

Me: William.

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2019
🚨︎ report

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