A gym buff was denied an entry to an elevator

The reason was he whey too much.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cbsxact7
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2021
🚨︎ report
I submitted nearly a dozen entries to a dad joke competition, hoping one would win.

Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

πŸ‘︎ 40
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BubzTheDeranged
πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2020
🚨︎ report
I laughed at the magician when he said he could make the entry way into a container..

Then he left and the door was ajar.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jul 12 2020
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No entry
πŸ‘︎ 530
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πŸ‘€︎ u/illusionnnn
πŸ“…︎ May 10 2019
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My son recently got an entry-level job where I work. I'm so proud of him!

I tip him occasionally when he hails cabs for me.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Mar 18 2020
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A competition entry at Youth club
πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ManILoveFarming
πŸ“…︎ Apr 05 2019
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I bought a car with keyless entry system installed. I like the car very much. However,

it's missing some key features.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pabesh17
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2019
🚨︎ report
After I submit this entry, I will stand by a wooden lamp pole.

It’s my post-post post post.

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2019
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I tried to write a Wikipedia entry about whales, but I didn't have enough primary sources.

[cetacean needed]

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RonPalancik
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2017
🚨︎ report
No entry

Man walks up to a club, security stops him saying β€œsorry mate, can’t come in without a tie on”. Man pleads but gets the same answer.

He goes to his car across the road and looks in the trunk, he can only find a set of jump cables so puts them round his neck.

He approaches the club again, the bouncer says β€œalright, you can come in....but don’t you start anything”

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TackySour
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2018
🚨︎ report
So I once watched a male cow charge through the entry to a building.

Wasn't that story just adorable?

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Calthropstu
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2018
🚨︎ report
What do you call food plus entry to a festival for $8?

Fair fair fare & fare.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hann1980
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2018
🚨︎ report
πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ElderCunningham
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2015
🚨︎ report
Remotely Yours

So we had this issue yesterday where secure shell commands were failing from our newly enabled backup system to a downstream application.

I logged in manually using the correct credentials to confirm the keys were fine, but I noticed it was the first time in known hosts, so i typed β€œyes” to put the entry in and figured that would fix it.

When the problem came back today, I was surprised at first, but then it hit me...

Same ssh -t different server...

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KCandIO
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2021
🚨︎ report
My wife told me that my quarantine beard is really growing on her.

What do you know, it's growing on me too.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WID_Call_IT
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2020
🚨︎ report
A Panda Walks into a Bar

A panda walks into a bar one day. He casually walks to the bar and sits on a bar stool.

The bartender thinks this is a bit odd, a panda walking into a bar isn’t something that normally happens to him.

He approaches the panda regardless and asks, β€œWhat can I get you?”

The panda grabs a menu off the bar, opens it and points to a cheeseburger.

The bartender is very impressed by this and so he decides to go ahead and make the cheeseburger for the panda.

The panda gets his cheeseburger, devours it, savoring every last bit. He then wipes its mouth with a napkin, impressing the bartender even more.

But then suddenly the panda pulls out a gun and shoots everyone in the bar, except for the bartender.

The bartender stands there in total shock, soaked in blood, and can only ask the panda, β€œWhy?”

The panda pulls a dictionary from his fur coat and turns to the bartender. He flips the book to the P section, places it on the bar, and points to his picture. Then he turns and walks out the door without looking back.

The bartender leans down and reads the entry next to Panda. It says…

β€œPanda: A wild animal that eats, shoots and leaves.”

πŸ‘︎ 98
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Donorob
πŸ“…︎ Jul 19 2020
🚨︎ report
One of the local radio stations had a "Worst Pun" contest.

The best part was you could submit multiple entries, and I sent in a bunch, at least 10. I figured the more I came up with, one of them had to win.

But, unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2020
🚨︎ report
A navy recruit has his first day on a submarine

He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post.

"Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope."

The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by.

"Son I'm changing your postΒ to the mess hall. Go in there and start washing some dishes."

The recruit obeys, and heads to the mess hall. He's cleaned about 3 dishes when the officer walks up again.

"Listen here recruit, your new post is in the supply room. I need you to make sure everything is strapped down tight, in case of rough waters."

The recruit again follows orders, and heads off to the supply room. There, he sees a crewman, moving some boxes.

"Hey there," says the recruit. "is it normal to keep getting reassigned to new posts all day? I haven't kept one position for more than 15 minutes!"

The crewman says "Oh yeah- this sub is full of reposts."

πŸ‘︎ 94
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Anthonybrose
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2019
🚨︎ report
I've started a new competitive pun gameshow podcast entitled 'Punnit' and I'm looking for contestants! First two episodes in the comments.

'Punnit' is hosted by myself and played over three rounds. The first two rounds consist of one category (say, Musical Genres & Ailments), with each contestant going in turn and giving their best 5 entries. Such as, HIVy Metal, Honky Tonksillitis, Indiegestion etc.

These two categories are known about a week or so prior so everyone can bring their best (or worst, depending on how you look at it) but the third round is entirely on the spot, with the entrants shouting out whatever they can think of for a category. One of the recent being American Presidents & American States, with OklaBama winning that one.

It's all very much in the early stages but I would appreciate both feedback on the format and people getting in touch if they wanna duke it out.

Here are the episodes: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCKJOzYgG9MW7CQHAZQahiqw/videos

Follow us too @thepunpodcast

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PattersonHoodlum
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2019
🚨︎ report
I used to install windows.

It was a real pane.

(Credit to my partner Michael for all of my r/dadjokes entries).

πŸ‘︎ 33
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πŸ‘€︎ u/crescuesanimals
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2020
🚨︎ report
Wanna see an Avengers Endgame spoiler?
πŸ‘︎ 223
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JoeFas
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2019
🚨︎ report
The prime pun

What did amazon prime’s realtor say when they bought there land for there headquarters...

Now that’s some prime real estate

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/awsomeguy222
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2018
🚨︎ report
"Dad. Are we pyromaniacs?"

"Yes, we arson."

πŸ‘︎ 75
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thewargingned
πŸ“…︎ Aug 12 2018
🚨︎ report
My dad text me this. A true dad joke

Got a question. Did u hear about the furious lady who was late and refused entry to her yoga class?? Yeah she couldnt believe they were not more flexible

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Conviction666
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2019
🚨︎ report
Schrodinger's cat walks into a bar

And doesn't

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Fearlessassassin
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2019
🚨︎ report
[not a pun] need help with a punny name for my wife’s meatballs

Hey /r/puns! My wife is entering a meatball cook off this weekend and needs a name for her entry. Neither of us have the same meat naming talents as Bob Belcher, but thought you guys might be able to help.

She is making a lamb meatball with a creamy orange Moroccan sauce served over a small bed of couscous.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/general_stinkhorn
πŸ“…︎ Apr 13 2019
🚨︎ report
In honor of Grace Hopper's 107th birthday, here is the first ever computer bug
πŸ‘︎ 93
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πŸ‘€︎ u/anthony81212
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2013
🚨︎ report
A panda walks into a restaurant.

He seats himself at a table. The sight is so strange that the owner comes over personally and asks, "Can I help you?" The panda replies, "Do you have anything with bamboo?" The owner answers, "We have a few Chinese dishes that have bamboo." The panda says, "I'll just have the bamboo." So the owner heads to the kitchen and soon returns with a plate of bamboo. The panda eats every last morsel, then pulls out a pistol, fires it into the ceiling, and walks out. The owner is startled and completely confused, so he follows the panda all the way back to the zoo. When he finds the zoo keeper, he walks up and asks, "Do you have any idea what your panda just did? He came into my restaurant, ate a bunch of bamboo, pulled out a pistol, fired it into the ceiling, and walked out." The zoo keeper replied, "Well, of course, he's a panda; that's what they do." Then, when he saw the owner was still confused, added, "Haven't you ever read about pandas?" More confused than ever, the owner walks home. He gets out his old set of encyclopedias, dusts off the letter "P, " and turns to the entry on pandas: "The panda is a large mammal, native to China; it eats bamboo shoots and leaves."

πŸ‘︎ 41
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Feddny
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2018
🚨︎ report
The pearly gates

St. Peter was guarding the Pearly Gates, waiting for new souls coming to heaven. He saw Jesus walking by and caught his attention. "Jesus, could you mind the gate while I go do an errand?"

"Sure," replied Jesus. "What do I have to do?"

"Just find out about the people who arrive. Ask about their background, their family, and their lives. Then decide if they deserve entry into Heaven."

"Sounds easy enough. OK."

So Jesus manned the gates for St. Peter. The first person to approach the gates was a wrinkled old man. Jesus summoned him to sit down and sat across from him. Jesus peered at the old man and asked, "What did you do for a living?"

The old man replied, "I was a carpenter."

Jesus remembered his own earthly existence and leaned forward. "Did you have any family?" he asked.

"Yes, I had a son, but I lost him."

Jesus leaned forward some more. "You lost your son? Can you tell me about him?"

"Well, he had holes in his hands and feet."

Jesus leaned forward even more and whispered, "Father?"

The old man leaned forward and whispered, "Pinocchio?"

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Anthonybrose
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2019
🚨︎ report
Call all pun creators

My sister is in the emergency room with second degree burns on her foot from cooking oil, I need puns to make fun of her at thanksgiving.

Be merciless.

Edit: it was great, you're puns were big hits. After each pun I said your username without context, but at the end of dinner someone asked me if I was going insane and I said "no, those are the pun credits" so, in some of your cases it was pretty funny to say out of context.

Thank you all for your entries, they were great!

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CrimsonCultist
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2016
🚨︎ report
I applied for a job as a doorman. I didnt get it.

I was very surprised, I thought it was an entry level position

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Datboifritz113
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2019
🚨︎ report
Scuba diver

Why do scuba divers fall backwards off of the boat?

If they fell forwards they would still be in it

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/92davedave
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2013
🚨︎ report
There was a draw for $2000 worth of free tires at the fair today

As I was filling out the entry form, I said to the girl: "If I win this, I can re-tire!"

She didn't even acknowledge the joke.

πŸ‘︎ 255
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πŸ‘€︎ u/scamperly
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2015
🚨︎ report
I took my significant other out on a date to the ice rink.

Entry was half price.

She called me a cheap skate.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ScottyUrb
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2018
🚨︎ report
Pun contest. Name our bands next "tour". Get it printed on shirts. Win imaginary gold.

Backstory: I play in a small band that does a "tour" of southern Wisconsin every year. The bands name is the Petty Thieves. This is my first year with them, but every year they come up with a tour name and make nice t-shirts and material with the tour name on them. Last two tour names were "Sticky Fingers" and "Busted!" We are looking for something related to the band name. Something clever and crime related. If it has mild sexual innuendo, all the better, but not overtly obscene. Some tour names we came up with are: Five Finger Discount, Backdoor Tour, Snatching Kisses, Kissing Snatches, Robbing the Cradle, Something something Miss Demeanors, Spread 'em, Felonious Funk, Unlawful Entry, Rhymes against Humanity, etc...

If you have anything punny, please throw it out there. Top 3 upvoted names get reddit gold. If we use your tour name, I'l send you the tshirt. Thanks kind sirs!

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dharmon555
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2013
🚨︎ report
What is The Matrix...?

When I was about 15, I asked my parents if I could see "The Matrix." At that time, if I asked to see an R-rated movie, the rule was we waited till it came to video (yes, at the time it was videotapes) and my parents would watch it first without me to decide if they were comfortable with me watching it.

They watched it, and the next day, my dad asked me what I thought The Matrix was- I said it was some kind of group of cops or something that could do cool aerial fighting moves.

He said, "Unfortunately, no one can be told what The Matrix is... You have to see it for yourself."

For those who are unfamiliar, this is exactly the line used by one of the main characters when he introduces the concept of The Matrix.

No one? Just me? I thought it was funny. Oh well.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jjk35
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2013
🚨︎ report
My son told me that he needed to poop

I told him that I'd log an entry in the log log.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KungFooShus
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2018
🚨︎ report
Hey anyone know how many tears were shed tonight?

Like a brazilllion.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NotoriousHaze
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2014
🚨︎ report
The history of the first gated community.

In the 80's when there were a lot of homophobic attacks on people, a brilliant activist named Theodore Jones came up with the idea of an enclave for homosexuals.

A safe haven.

And it had fencing all around and controlled entry.

After he passed away from AIDS they named it after him:

"The Gay Ted" community.

That's why we call it a gated community now.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/silentpl
πŸ“…︎ Mar 31 2017
🚨︎ report
Got my friends a great one if I say so myself

We were discussing our entries into a marathon and talking about the fact that you had to nominate a charity to run for. One of the girls said,

'I didn't pick one, I just typed in N/A.'

'Funny, that already is a charity.'

quizzical look

'The National Stroke Association...'

Groans all round

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/noticeperiod
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2016
🚨︎ report
The Hall of Deans

So my dad, sister and I all went to go and visit my grandmother (she got moved to hospice this week) at the hospital, and on the entry way it showed a Hall of Deans for the Sanford Medical School/Hospital. Like four busts all in a row. My Dad, whose name is Doug goes, "God, all four of them were named Dean? Where's the Hall of Dougs? Sign me up!"

He had tears coming out of his eyes. I love my family.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SwingingSalmon
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2016
🚨︎ report
A customer dadjoked me ad the restaurant.

Me (Waiter): Excuse me, have you finished?

Him: Actually, I'm Danish! ...!

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sheik92
πŸ“…︎ Oct 04 2015
🚨︎ report
A new Navy recruit has his first day on a submarine.... (apologies to u/buddybd)

He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post.

"Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope."

The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by.

"Son I'm changing your post to the mess hall. Go in there and start washing some dishes."

The recruit obeys, and heads to the mess hall. He's cleaned about 3 dishes when the officer walks up again.

"Listen here recruit, your new post is in the supply room. I need you to make sure everything is strapped down tight, in case of rough waters."

The recruit again follows orders, and heads off to the supply room. There, he sees a crewman, moving some boxes.

"Hey there," says the recruit. "is it normal to keep getting reassigned to new posts all day? I haven't kept one position for more than 15 minutes!"

The crewman says "Oh yeah- this sub is full of reposts."

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/IranRPCV
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2020
🚨︎ report
A new Navy recruit has his first day on the submarine…

He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post.

β€œGo stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope.”

The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by.

β€œSon I’m changing your post to the mess hall. Go in there and start washing some dishes.”

The recruit obeys, and heads to the mess hall. He’s cleaned about 3 dishes when the officer walks up again.

β€œListen here recruit, your new post is in the supply room. I need you to make sure everything is strapped down tight, in case of rough waters.”

The recruit again follows orders, and heads off to the supply room. There, he sees a crewman, moving some boxes.

β€œHey there,” says the recruit. β€œis it normal to keep getting reassigned to new posts all day? I haven’t kept one position for more than 15 minutes!”

The crewman says β€œOh yeah- this sub is full of reposts.”

πŸ‘︎ 180
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Anthonybrose
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2019
🚨︎ report
I once had a job as a doorman

But I quit because it was an entry level position

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thegreatinsulto
πŸ“…︎ May 15 2018
🚨︎ report
I applied to be a door man but didn't get the job due to lack of experience.

Which surprised me, I thought it was an entry level position.

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/p3t3r133
πŸ“…︎ Jun 05 2017
🚨︎ report

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