I've just finished a really good book entitled 'Acted' - I don't really understand the relevance of the title, but the book is about censorship. Anyway, I think everyone should

[Redacted]

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πŸ‘€︎ u/staffell
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16 2020
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I enrolled in a course entitled β€œBasic Origami for halfwits”.

You’re probably thinking β€œWhy?”

Well, the answer is twofold.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ May 28 2020
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I've started a new competitive pun gameshow podcast entitled 'Punnit' and I'm looking for contestants! First two episodes in the comments.

'Punnit' is hosted by myself and played over three rounds. The first two rounds consist of one category (say, Musical Genres & Ailments), with each contestant going in turn and giving their best 5 entries. Such as, HIVy Metal, Honky Tonksillitis, Indiegestion etc.

These two categories are known about a week or so prior so everyone can bring their best (or worst, depending on how you look at it) but the third round is entirely on the spot, with the entrants shouting out whatever they can think of for a category. One of the recent being American Presidents & American States, with OklaBama winning that one.

It's all very much in the early stages but I would appreciate both feedback on the format and people getting in touch if they wanna duke it out.

Here are the episodes: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCKJOzYgG9MW7CQHAZQahiqw/videos

Follow us too @thepunpodcast

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PattersonHoodlum
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2019
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(*in a late night TV voice*)

Have you been wearing glasses during the pandemic?!? Have you been wearing your mask?!? You may be entitled to condensation.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/engco431
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2020
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1-800-GET-RICH

If you, or a loved one, wear glasses and are being forced to wear a mask, you may be entitled to condensation.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Edavis050694
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2020
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Why do the words on the front cover of a book lord it over the words on the back cover so much?

They have a strong sense of entitlement.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/timoteostewart
πŸ“…︎ Aug 26 2020
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I'm going to start a photo essay entitled "Images Of A Jar Of Peanut Butter In Unusual Locations"

I'll even submit it to National Geographic, they'll give me a full-page spread.

bonus peanut butter

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πŸ‘€︎ u/teuast
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2018
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Have exposure to COVID19 caused you to wear masks and gloves?

If so, you may be entitled to condensation

-Not OC-

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πŸ‘€︎ u/scooby_dyver
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18 2020
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Ladies and gentlemen, my next song is entitled 'Subtraction'.

Take it away.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/a_posh_trophy
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2015
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I one brought a dead raccoon on a plane

Because they said I was entitled to 10 kgs of carrion luggage

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mitiamedved
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2019
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My Girlfriend is the best...

She has beautiful long black hair, flowing half way down her back...

Not on her head but half way down her back.

Her teeth are so even!

1, 3, 5, and 7 are missing.

At night I would take her into the corn field and kiss her between the ears...

One night it was extremely foggy outside and I mist.

Basically, you could tell she was a farmers daughter because it was hard to "a tractor"

Sometimes I call her (knob) because she is one to adore.

Even wrote her a song entitled "How can I love you if you never go away"

The best...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Wicked-Spade
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2018
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I am writing a book about the anxious tomato in the waiting room during the birth of his first child.

It's entitled "The Tomato Paced"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mewlingquimlover
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2018
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when ever the pets sneeze

"oops, he's allergic to himself"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/eddywin
πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2013
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[Long] a brush with death

Credit to u/echonight . This is a cross post from r/askreddit

There are two identical twin brothers that live together. One happens to be a well-respected dentist, and the other can't seem to keep a job. Instead of actively looking for work, he likes to sit around at home. One Saturday, the dentist is hungry, and puts his brother on the spot. He tells him to get off his lazy behind and go get them some food. After some protest, the lazy brother takes the car and leaves for the store. In the meantime, the dentist takes a nap on his day off. He turns off his phone so he won't be interrupted.

About 30 minutes later, the lazy brother gets into a head-on collision in the intersection by the grocery store. His vital signs are fading; he's unconscious and barely moving. An ambulance picks him up and rushes him to the hospital. He ends up in the Emergency Room under observation, but his condition is critical. They try calling his dentist brother, but he doesn't pick up because his phone is off.

The dentist wakes to a knock on the door. Suspecting a solicitor, he ignores it, but the knocking continues. Eventually, he resolves to get up and yell at the person at the door. When he does, he reveals--- the grim reaper. He is just as he appears in movies; a full skeleton underneath a tattered cloak.

The grim reaper swears. "Oh no! This always happens with identical twins".

"What do you mean?" asks the dentist.

"Well... if you must know, your brother was in a critical car accident, and I've come to take him to the underworld. I'm afraid his time on Earth has ended. I'll take my leave now."

The dentist is noticeably upset. He says "Wait! Isn't there some way I can challenge you for my brother's life? After all, YOU made the mistake. Certainly there must be a way I can bargain for his life."

The grim reaper asks "What do you have in mind?"

The dentist thinks. "How about a challenge? If I beat you, you let my brother go free."

The grim reaper laughs. "I will beat you in any challenge. What challenge do you propose?"

The dentist smiles. "I propose we see who has the cleanest teeth. 5 minute of brushing each, then we decide."

"Very well" says the grim reaper, who makes his way to the bathroom.

Once there, he pulls back his tattered cloak to reveal his skull. It's glistening. He takes a toothbrush from the bathroom, loads it with toothpaste, and brushes. After 5 minutes, the shiniest teeth anyone has ever seen glisten and make the room bright. The grim reaper gr

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/spartan-44
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2017
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Dad-er Things

With my 6yo daughter last night watching the episode of Stranger Things entitled "Holly, Jolly"

Her: is this episode called Holly, Jolly?

Me: Yes, it is.

Her: I hope Holly doesn't die.

Me: I think she'll be pleased with the outcome.

Don't know if this counts, but I got a chuckle out of it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LeoByNature
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2016
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On vacation, my parents saw a "modern art installment" made of multiple brass instruments welded together ...

My dad told us the exhibition was entitled, "I'm so horny."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CosmicAutumn
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2014
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Got dadjoked by a coworker

I work at Boeing and there is a big safety campain going on entitled "Go 4 Zero".

Coworker says: So everyone over 40 should leave right? Go 4 Zero as in Go 40?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/stubbs4days
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11 2014
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Has COVID-19 forced you to wear glasses and a mask at the same time?

If so, you may be entitled to condensation.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tburns1469
πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2020
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Do you wear glasses and a mask?

You may be entitled to condensation.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/nemo8551
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2020
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Has COVID-19 forced you to wear glasses and a mask at the same time?

If so, you may be entitled to condensation.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Degtyrev
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2020
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Have you or a loved one had to wear glasses and a mask

You may be entitled to condensation

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GucciDuc
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2020
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Has CoViD19 forced you to wear a mask and glasses?

If so, you may be entitled to condensation.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ktoner1017
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18 2020
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