It's a Procrastinator.
I'd be so mad if I went in to one of their locations the day before they make this happen. That'd be the last straw.
He was later awarded the Nobel prize
Him: I’m working on eliminating all Cancers.
Her: Wow! Impressive.
Him: Then I’m moving on to Capricorns.
I guess you could say the steaks were high
Feefiphobia
Edit: wow! I never expected this to reach such great heights..... Thank you for the awards, kind redditors.
I tried to look up lighters and all they had were 13,570 matches
The horse says, "I don't think so," then disappears into nothing.
This is the point in time when all the philosophy students in the audience begin to giggle, as they are familiar with the philosophical proposition of Cogito ergo sum, or I think, therefore, I am. The classic philosophy put forward by René Descartes.
But to explain the concept aforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.
So I called her Bluff...
He was later awarded the Nobel prize for his scientific achievements.
edit:OC
I guess you could say that I’m jobsolete.
6 couldn't believe it. 7 had finally gone off the deep end. 7 had long offended 6. A repeat 6 offender if you will. But this was unforgivable. 9 was his best friend. How could he do this to his best friend? How could it be that 7 ate 9?
6, filled with fury, called his friends 2 and 4. They would get even. 10 was the best friend of 7 you see. 2, 4 and 6 ate 10 to get even. They then began plotting further revenge, but 7 acted first. He gathered 1, 3 and 5 together to take down 6.
Realizing that the odds were against them, 2, 4 and 6 retreated. Their only option was to turn to 12 who had twice the resources 6 had. 7 couldn't follow.
12 quickly called 3 to find out what the root of 7's attack on 9. 3 wasn't sure. He had only supported 7 because of a long standing friendship. But 3 promised to get to the root cause.
Meanwhile, 7's scheming was not yet done. 12 was powerful, but there was one who could reverse his decision to harbor 6. If he could just convince 21, nicknamed blackjack, to reverse 12's decision, it would all be over.
Three times 7 went to 21's compound. On the third try he was able to get through. After explaining that 6 had masterminded the elimination of 10, a grand meeting of the numbers was called.
Both 6 and 7 argued over the whole thing. 13 had the unlucky task of adjudicating the meeting. Each time 13 made an argument, 6 and 7 would add to it by shouting over each other.
Finally, 21 had had enough. "7, why did you eat 9"
7 responded "I just wanted to get 3 square meals." 21 had 7 eliminated for initiating the battle and 6 jailed for masterminding 10's death. And the war was over.
Me: What did I say about slamming The Doors?
He just stands there applauding and saying “Ooh, I love how smooth it is”
It’s been repossessed
Bartender says, “That will be $20.20.”
Put your hand in its pocket and tickle its balls.
But now I can look back and laugh.
A sketch pad
Pumpkin pi
From my perspective, and it's not going to be a popular one, but it would have to be the Monaco Grand Prix
This will eliminate 75% of America’s car bunny missions.
So if you make a lighter heavier, will it cease to exist?
The process of elimination.
Did it ever occur to Magnus Carlsen that he could be eliminated from his own chess tournament?
Norway!
where I could criticize and demean other employees. But the job was eliminated and I was let go when my co-workers complained about my DISS-POSITION.
I have uncovered a plot by r/punpatrol . They plan to eradicate all puns and dad jokes by going to the source, users. Be warned, they will stop at nothing to get rid of us. They have even taken measures to eliminate moles. We must stop this.
They even eliminated tea entirely from their pronunciations.
During World War 2, a spy working for the East, and a spy working for Great Britain infiltrated Nazi Germany.
Their mission, eliminating a Schutzstaffel officer.
They succeeded, and the british infiltrator taunted his target afterwards
However, his comrade in arms then punched him in the face.
Why ?
>!He had said "You SS are stupid."!<
They wanted to eliminate waist products.
SO: really??? Me: It was udderly ridiculous.
The process of elimination
She left a note saying "I'm leaving tonight for a new life"
The two of them try to track her down, but all efforts fail to find exactly where she is. They search all of the Americas, Europe, Asia, Antarctica, and Australia with no luck, so they ask Toto to help out.
Eventually, using process of elimination, Toto says to Seinfeld and Kramer, "I guess Elaine's down in Africa."
EDIT: Added bits to clarify and help set up the joke. I thought of it this morning after 1.5 hours of sleep so it wasn't well-written at all.
Everybody else was eliminated.
Through a process of elimination.
When Bin Laden was eliminated, my dad and his buddies made a drink, they called it a Bin Laden. He asked me if I wanted to know how it's made, I said sure.
He said, "It's really simple, just two shots and a splash."
Pic will be found in the comments below
Last night, as I was getting ready to cook dinner, I received a mysterious phone call from a number I didn't recognize and I naturally let it go to voicemail. Surprisingly the mystery caller did leave a voice message and several minutes later I got this text. To eliminate all possibilities I proceeded to listen to the voicemail and ensure it was indeed someone important to me. It was both of my parents(they like to put me on speakerphone so they can talk to me simultaneously) informing me of my Dad's new cellular device.
Now, as far as i can tell, my Dad has never sent a text msg in his life. He's been retired for 10+ years and he loves to talk on the phone to friends and loved ones for hours. He has no reason to text. I also wouldn't put him into a general category when it comes to dad jokes. Meaning he might not have enjoyed this as much as I. So, after much deliberation I decided to welcome my Dad to the world of SMS the only way I felt was appropriate to the relationship we share.
Also, one of my favorite of his sayings is referring to my best friend as suave(Ss-wave) and debonair (De-boner.)
Oh and don't let your meatloaf.
Process of Elimination.
