A robot from the future decided to avoid eliminating its target for as long as possible

It's a Procrastinator.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Khaos_Gorvin
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2021
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Starbucks will be eliminating plastic straws by 2020

I'd be so mad if I went in to one of their locations the day before they make this happen. That'd be the last straw.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/trevize1138
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2018
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There was an inventor in the late 1800s who despised bells, he designed a device that would eliminate every bell in the world.

He was later awarded the Nobel prize

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πŸ‘€︎ u/max69well
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
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[First Date] Her: So what do you do?

Him: I’m working on eliminating all Cancers.

Her: Wow! Impressive.

Him: Then I’m moving on to Capricorns.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20 2021
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Just watched an episode of MasterChef. The contestants had to successfully infuse a lump of meat with THC or get eliminated

I guess you could say the steaks were high

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ife2105
πŸ“…︎ May 07 2020
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What do you call a fear of giants?

Feefiphobia

Edit: wow! I never expected this to reach such great heights..... Thank you for the awards, kind redditors.

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/denandbil
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2020
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eBay is so useless

I tried to look up lighters and all they had were 13,570 matches

πŸ‘︎ 14k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/puranjay1432
πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2020
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A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says "You are in here a lot, do you think you have a drinking problem?"

The horse says, "I don't think so," then disappears into nothing.

This is the point in time when all the philosophy students in the audience begin to giggle, as they are familiar with the philosophical proposition of Cogito ergo sum, or I think, therefore, I am. The classic philosophy put forward by RenΓ© Descartes.

But to explain the concept aforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bearfeedmitch
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2020
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My wife threatened to divorce me when I said I was going to give our daughter a silly name...

So I called her Bluff...

πŸ‘︎ 17k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2020
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An Inventor in the 1800s created a device that instantly eliminated all bells in the world.

He was later awarded the Nobel prize for his scientific achievements.

edit:OC

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πŸ‘€︎ u/max69well
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2019
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My position at work was eliminated and is now being done by a robot.

I guess you could say that I’m jobsolete.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/alx924
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2020
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Number wars, a dad joke story.

6 couldn't believe it. 7 had finally gone off the deep end. 7 had long offended 6. A repeat 6 offender if you will. But this was unforgivable. 9 was his best friend. How could he do this to his best friend? How could it be that 7 ate 9?

6, filled with fury, called his friends 2 and 4. They would get even. 10 was the best friend of 7 you see. 2, 4 and 6 ate 10 to get even. They then began plotting further revenge, but 7 acted first. He gathered 1, 3 and 5 together to take down 6.

Realizing that the odds were against them, 2, 4 and 6 retreated. Their only option was to turn to 12 who had twice the resources 6 had. 7 couldn't follow.

12 quickly called 3 to find out what the root of 7's attack on 9. 3 wasn't sure. He had only supported 7 because of a long standing friendship. But 3 promised to get to the root cause.

Meanwhile, 7's scheming was not yet done. 12 was powerful, but there was one who could reverse his decision to harbor 6. If he could just convince 21, nicknamed blackjack, to reverse 12's decision, it would all be over.

Three times 7 went to 21's compound. On the third try he was able to get through. After explaining that 6 had masterminded the elimination of 10, a grand meeting of the numbers was called.

Both 6 and 7 argued over the whole thing. 13 had the unlucky task of adjudicating the meeting. Each time 13 made an argument, 6 and 7 would add to it by shouting over each other.

Finally, 21 had had enough. "7, why did you eat 9"

7 responded "I just wanted to get 3 square meals." 21 had 7 eliminated for initiating the battle and 6 jailed for masterminding 10's death. And the war was over.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Calthropstu
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2021
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After a heated argument, my kid shouted β€œJim Morrison was overrated”

Me: What did I say about slamming The Doors?

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/catmom81519
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2020
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I bought a ceiling fan the other day.. COMPLETE WASTE OF MONEY!

He just stands there applauding and saying β€œOoh, I love how smooth it is”

πŸ‘︎ 470
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FlintTheDad
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2020
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I had a priest perform an exorcism for my house, but I never paid the bill....

It’s been repossessed

πŸ‘︎ 237
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πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2020
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Man walks into a bar and orders a Corona and 2 huricanes...

Bartender says, β€œThat will be $20.20.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Parkwad
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2020
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How do you make a snooker table laugh?

Put your hand in its pocket and tickle its balls.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tiger7971
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2020
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It wasn’t much fun when I broke my neck in an accident a few months ago.

But now I can look back and laugh.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2020
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What do you call paper you can’t trust?

A sketch pad

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πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2020
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What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter?

Pumpkin pi

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πŸ‘€︎ u/flippantteacup
πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2020
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If you could eliminate a race within the year, which would it be, and why?

From my perspective, and it's not going to be a popular one, but it would have to be the Monaco Grand Prix

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πŸ‘€︎ u/IamVAcer
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2019
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When you counselor eliminate your suicide thoughts.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/McMemelord420
πŸ“…︎ Aug 01 2018
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Eliminate
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πŸ‘€︎ u/alonelypickle
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2018
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In an effort to combat climate change, the U.S. Army will no longer allow rabbits to drive vehicles.

This will eliminate 75% of America’s car bunny missions.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JiminyKirket
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2020
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At least people aren't flying into a rage since they didn't eliminate the airplane
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πŸ‘€︎ u/80nd0
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2017
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In math, you eliminate something by adding its opposite

So if you make a lighter heavier, will it cease to exist?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Calthropstu
πŸ“…︎ Aug 26 2017
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How can you find out whether you have constipation or diarrhea?

The process of elimination.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2020
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Chess Pun

Did it ever occur to Magnus Carlsen that he could be eliminated from his own chess tournament?

Norway!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/freewillson
πŸ“…︎ May 30 2020
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I had a newly created job as Corporate Critic...

where I could criticize and demean other employees. But the job was eliminated and I was let go when my co-workers complained about my DISS-POSITION.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/youtellmebob
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2020
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WATCH OUT

I have uncovered a plot by r/punpatrol . They plan to eradicate all puns and dad jokes by going to the source, users. Be warned, they will stop at nothing to get rid of us. They have even taken measures to eliminate moles. We must stop this.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SkyThunderStorm22
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2019
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The French really hated the English

They even eliminated tea entirely from their pronunciations.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DesmondKenway
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2019
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The Bad Spy

During World War 2, a spy working for the East, and a spy working for Great Britain infiltrated Nazi Germany.

Their mission, eliminating a Schutzstaffel officer.

They succeeded, and the british infiltrator taunted his target afterwards

However, his comrade in arms then punched him in the face.

Why ?

>!He had said "You SS are stupid."!<

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Arklaw
πŸ“…︎ May 28 2018
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Why did the environmentally-friendly factory require that its workers start wearing suspenders to work?

They wanted to eliminate waist products.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/OK_Compooper
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2019
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Me to SO: I had a dream that a cow tried to sell me spoiled milk...

SO: really??? Me: It was udderly ridiculous.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/oscarwood
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2018
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How do proctologists make diagnoses?

The process of elimination

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/garboooge
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2019
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Seinfeld and Kramer can't find Elaine...

She left a note saying "I'm leaving tonight for a new life"

The two of them try to track her down, but all efforts fail to find exactly where she is. They search all of the Americas, Europe, Asia, Antarctica, and Australia with no luck, so they ask Toto to help out.

Eventually, using process of elimination, Toto says to Seinfeld and Kramer, "I guess Elaine's down in Africa."

EDIT: Added bits to clarify and help set up the joke. I thought of it this morning after 1.5 hours of sleep so it wasn't well-written at all.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/aurrutia214
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2018
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Did you hear they have a winner in the cannibal tournament?

Everybody else was eliminated.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/YoureAMuenster
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2017
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How did the Alzheimers guy figure out what he came into the men's room for?

Through a process of elimination.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/crankyang
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2016
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My dad told this one a few years ago,

When Bin Laden was eliminated, my dad and his buddies made a drink, they called it a Bin Laden. He asked me if I wanted to know how it's made, I said sure.

He said, "It's really simple, just two shots and a splash."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Malabotprime
πŸ“…︎ May 05 2016
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I still haven't gotten a response

Pic will be found in the comments below

Last night, as I was getting ready to cook dinner, I received a mysterious phone call from a number I didn't recognize and I naturally let it go to voicemail. Surprisingly the mystery caller did leave a voice message and several minutes later I got this text. To eliminate all possibilities I proceeded to listen to the voicemail and ensure it was indeed someone important to me. It was both of my parents(they like to put me on speakerphone so they can talk to me simultaneously) informing me of my Dad's new cellular device.

Now, as far as i can tell, my Dad has never sent a text msg in his life. He's been retired for 10+ years and he loves to talk on the phone to friends and loved ones for hours. He has no reason to text. I also wouldn't put him into a general category when it comes to dad jokes. Meaning he might not have enjoyed this as much as I. So, after much deliberation I decided to welcome my Dad to the world of SMS the only way I felt was appropriate to the relationship we share.

Also, one of my favorite of his sayings is referring to my best friend as suave(Ss-wave) and debonair (De-boner.)

Oh and don't let your meatloaf.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thefripps
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01 2015
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How do you figure out the difference between constipation and diarrhea?

Process of Elimination.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12 2020
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