So you don’t get cowmonella.
A poke-mon.
Me: “love, what’s a matter baby?”
Her: “nothing. What’s a matter with you?”
I’m so proud.
R...ramen. Ok I'll leave :(
When I walked back into civilisation, there were certainly a few butterflies in my stomach.
"That's a gross!"
Don't worry I cured it.
Today we were eating and my son ate a carrot without using the fork so my wife promptly said: "Don't eat with your fingers..." to which he answered: "I'm eating with my mouth!"
I was soooo happy and my wife had to let it slide...
(We don't speak English so I hope the joke isn't lost in the translation)
EDIT: Thanks for all the upvotes :) This was an unexpected surprise to wake up to. Very happy that it translates in to English so well. Now some clarifications:
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Yes... the carrots were cooked, we are not psychopaths (in regards to our eating habbits)
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My son is 10 years old and still living at home
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We all speak English, just not our native language and not used at the dinner table
I take my steak blue rare. My mom takes her stake well done. After cooking the steaks my dad puts them on our plates at the dinner table. Without fail, I end up with a well done steak on my plate and my mom ends up with a blue rare steak on hers.
When my mom and I switch steaks, my dad proudly proclaims, "It appears I have made a miss-steak".
This happens once a month.
One day he decided to get a whole new set of cutting boards from Acme Board Co. However, while doing prep for all-you-can-eat hotwings night, he dropped one of the boards and it shattered.
He said, "Well, back to the old raw wing board."
Eating dinner at my friend's house last night with his family. Their daughter walks in.
"Hey hon, how are you!" -Mom
"Hey! I'm okay. My throat is a little raw." -Daughter
"Well you better cook it." -Dad
I proceeded to laugh out loud while everyone else groaned a little and moved on.
For reference: Link to wiki
Some of these are done in a kind of "news headline"-style:
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Choir leader fired after using too much sexual innuendo; "Lewd Ex Cantor."
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Video on demand about a street where nothing happens; "Vod of the Boring Alley."
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Man's brutal cousin turns out to be a great bloke; "Raw-Ted, Great Dude".
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Panic spreads as toilet facilities take over the world; "Cry! Stall-Age."
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A man orders a book of basic letters to look after his daughters belongings while he looks after the others; "ABC, Watch Her's!".
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Sams brother cheats a dude; "Dean Cons the Peep."
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A ride in the amusement park offers a wide range of emotions; "High! Low! Woo! Nah."
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A weird and hard to describe new dessert; "Cold Lemon Thing."
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A new star in stand up rises! Come see "Puntiff Sulyvahn."
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Pirates start eating fava beans and a new drink is required; "Yo! Ho! The Chianti!."
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A Long lived man has an unusual apetite for fish; "Old-Rick, Devourer of Cods".
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In Bacteria-Town, a devastating disease strikes one inhabitant working at a hotel; "Cancer of the Borrelia Valet".
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Roman god Cubid is ordered to take a woman to cave and kill her; "Drag and Slay Her Amor"
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Osiris's statue has been in way too many marriages and people have started to call it; "Osiris the Consummated Thing."
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The choir leader from before is transformed into a mushroom; "Champignon Cantor"
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An english man becomes the leader of a Polish airplane company and gets nicknamed; "LOT-Rick"
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An impatient tree person attacks a random mythical hunter; "Antsy Ent! Why Hern?!"
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Horse named Elvis keeps making noise and a man shouts;"Neigh Less King!"
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A child opens a chocolate egg and a white spirit jumps out; "Soul of Kinder"
Sorry about the possible typos.
The steaks were high so she stole them.
She said it was a mis-steak but they were in her bag!
It was a steak to the employee's heart when the lady said, "My kids have nothing to eat....."
When the employee caught the thief, her manager said, "Well done!" to which the employee replied, "No, they're still raw."
A lady tried stealing steaks from a dollar tree where I live. I guess she had a lot of missed steaks.
We were doing early morning review sessions for AP euro. I was running late and instead of cooking breakfast, I just grabbed a package of ramen noodles to eat in review.
While in review, I was happily munching on my 'breakfast' when my teacher walked up to me. The following conversation ensued.
Teacher: What are you eating?
Me: Just some ramen.
Teacher: Raw?
Me: Yeah, I like it raw.
Teacher: You don't cook it?
Me: Sometimes when I have the time.
Teacher: Well, you know, if you cooked it, it wouldn't be RAWmen.
groan
So it's my first time posting but I'm a big fan of dadjokes and love to drop them myself, this is the first time one felt original/funny enough to post.
I was in the kitchen while my girlfriend was frying bacon, I tried to sneak over and try to eat a small piece of raw bacon. She stops me, and I complain that I want to try.
She asks me, "Do you want salmonella?" I look at her and say, "I definitely don't want Sam and I don't even know who Ella is" She groaned, it felt like a huge success.
As I was eating dinner with my dad, he goes to put some pasta in the microwave with few oregano leaves on the top. I saw this and asked, "Is that okay to microwave raw oregano? I hope it doesn't turn out like kale." (For the few of you who have tried microwaving kale like me, you'll know that it sparks, smokes, and eventually catches fire.)
My dad responded with, "Yeah I hope it doesn't turn out like the kale, because then it will be chard."
