There’s no F in way.
G : what type of apples grow on trees ?
my dumbass : idk red and green ?
G : all of them do
wheezes
It was a shitzu
It's their main food souce and they don't have teeth.
Opinions.
It's such a sweeping generalisation.
My dumbass kid: dad these are vape pens
Me: no they are the family juuls
We used to date.
They're sodalicious.
In the gym today, guy is having to get his lock cut off because he lost his key. Joke around with guy for a bit because i have done the same.
As he is walking away....
Him: "you have a good day man"
Me: "you too, better lock next time"
I hear him groan, look to the guy next to me with a dumbass smile on my face and he rolled his eyes. Hahaha
I was on a road trip with him and we were leaving Rapid City, SD, when we saw a billboard that said "Cowboy Pancakes: 99¢"
He turns to me and says, "Cowboy Pancakes? They must serve those with maple stirrup"
He proceeded to laugh really hard and beat his steering wheel.
Her: I will be there shortly.
Me: Wh..haha..when are you not anywhere SHORTLY?
Her: ...
30 seconds later, talking about our son..
Her: Apparently, I forgot about his bottle.
Me: Isn't everything we do "apparently" now that we're parents?
Her: You're a dumbass...See you when I get home, love you.
Me: ..Shortly, right?
Her: (click)
He asked if I had a book of dumbass jokes.
"No, just Reddit."
"Yeah, out of a book?"
Dumbass-cus
You’re a dumbass
So some birds were flying over us in that V-shape they tend to fly in, and my old man looked up, almost in awe, and said to me:
Dad: Wow, look at those birds, son. See how they fly in that V shape?
Me (in a genuine child-like awe): Yeah, that's cool, dad.
Dad: See how one side of the V is longer than the other?
Me: Yeah.
Dad: You know why that is?
Me: No, why?
Dad: Cause there are more birds on that side, dumbass.
I laughed my ass off at this roadside protester. He camped out all night hoping to prevent the completion of certain roadways. Well, yesterday, the dumbass died of a heart attack. His doctor warned him weeks ago, but the stupid guy didn't want a bypass.
I was alone in the car, but still said "I bet he's having a schmitty day" and giggled like a dumbass all the way home
"I wonder who's the dumbass who losted it."
Dad: Did you hear about that actress who was stabbed
Me: No I didn't
Dad: I think her name was Reece something or another
Me: Witherspoon?
Dad: No dumbass, with a knife
Friend: What does your shirt say?
His father: It doesn't say anything. You have to read it, dumbass.
What do you call a father who's being a complete dumbass?
Retardad.
Dad: "How many pollacks does it take to screw in a light bulb?" Me: "I dunno. How many?" Dad: "One dumbass!"
Dad (after a sassy answer to a question): don't be a smartass
Me: would you prefer I were a dumbass?
Laughs were had
(Only use this joke after someone has made a stupid mistake)
Me: You know what you would find if you looked up stupid in the dictionary??? Them: Uhhh a picture of me? Me: No, you would find the definition of stupid, Dumbass!
This works every time!
