What do you call a drunk person fumbling with their car keys?

A taxi

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SubstantialBelly6
πŸ“…︎ May 13 2021
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Got drunk yesterday and puked in the elevator on my way back home.

It was disgusting on so many levels.

πŸ‘︎ 258
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rhshi14
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2021
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Why do bouncers throw violent drunks out the back door?

Because they belong behind bars.

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Shu-di
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2021
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I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. β€œHow much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. β€œNothing” I slurred. β€œLook at me!” she shouted. β€œIt’s either me or the pub, which one is it?”

I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled, β€œIt’s you. I can tell by the voice.”

πŸ‘︎ 16k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2020
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A drunk wakes up in jail, "Why am I here officer?"

"For drinking." replies the cop.

"Great" says the man. "When do we start?"

πŸ‘︎ 14k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2020
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It’s not a drunk argument

It’s a spirited discussion.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bad_Mad_Man
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2021
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Yeah yeah yeah, the circus fire was in tents but did you hear the one about the giant who got super drunk and threw up?

Really, you didn't about that? It was all over town.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GladCricket
πŸ“…︎ May 03 2021
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One of my friends played guitar while drunk…

Then he got in a Fender bender.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DENelson83
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2021
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How does a computer get drunk?

It takes screen shots.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/chihiro_yoru
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2021
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Did you know that you can actually get just as drunk on water...

sips water

...as you can on land

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kyle-11
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22 2021
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Two drunk guys were about to get into a brawl. One of the guys grabs a stick and draws a line in the dirt and says "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face".

That was the punchline

πŸ‘︎ 13k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/neo-1000
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2020
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My Dad told me how to figure out of you're drunk

He said: Son, see those 2 cars over there? If you ever see 4 then you know you're drunk

Me: But Dad, there's only 1 car?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tankerman05
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2021
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A high school girl was on her way home from a party, got knockout drunk, and shat on herself and all over her friends.

She was a real party pooper

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ironninjapi
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2021
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My dad always says he only gets drunk on two beers...

...the 18th and 19th.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SplashbackDeuce
πŸ“…︎ Feb 19 2021
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Drunk lolli Hitler.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/South_Bathroom
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2021
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My cell phone got drunk.

It took too many screenshots.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2020
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How do you get a panda drunk

Feed it bambooze.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Largefriesarebest
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2020
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How can you get drunk using your cell phone?

Take a lot of screen shots!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FrankEOG
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2021
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What did Zeus say when he saw everyone getting drunk and acting foolish on Mt. Olympus?

OOO LET THE GODS OUT

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πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2021
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What do you say when you are going to drunk dial someone?

Alco-hol you.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2020
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Its 1:30 and im drunk, thought this was comical

What did the hispanic who took 2 too many drugs say? Help i think I over(dos)ed

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gangaking69
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2020
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Goldilocks, running from the 3 bears, finds herself in a dead end with nothing but a bag of ice. Papa bear is Drunk and scary. What happens next?

A Goldy-smack with a cold sack in a cul de sac, which is more than a bear with beer could bare.

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πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2020
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An man at a bar didn’t want his wife to know he was out all night. But he was so drunk he couldn’t even stand and had to crawl all the way back home on all fours.

He got home he reached up for the door knob and opened the door, crawled upstairs and into his bed with his wife. His wife in the morning said β€œWhy were you out all night?” He said β€œHow did you find out?”

She said β€œThe bar called. They said you left your wheelchair again”.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MeGoHungaBunga
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2020
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I once knew a guy who went to a party in Florida and got so drunk that he woke up in Alabama.

As you can imagine, he wasn't in a very good state.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bbew_Mot
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2020
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I saw a drunk dude riding in a boat on the chests of four women with average bust size, one of whom had a single mastectomy.

He was sailing on the seven C’s

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/serialcompliment
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2020
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My German friend Hans got so drunk on American light beer we had to carry him to the truck to go home...

We had to hold Hans.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2020
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I saw my wife, slightly drunk, yelling at the TV

'Don’t go in there! Don’t go in the church, you moron!' She was watching our wedding video again."

πŸ‘︎ 149
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hayeshilton
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2020
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It's easy to tell the difference between sober and drunk pedestrians.

The difference is staggering.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SayLittleDoMuch
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2020
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Drunk Giraffe
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mumtaztic8_8
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2020
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Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight, when one draws a line in the dirt and slurs, β€œIf you cross this, I’ll hit you in the face.” /r/Jokes/comments/jx9abu/…
πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/goldendarren
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2020
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Why do so many people hook up drunk?

Beauty must really be in the eye of the beerholder

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/invisible_being
πŸ“…︎ Oct 04 2020
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What did the drunk say to his buddies as he left the bar?

AL-CO-HOL you later!!

(Stole this from a show dont come for me)

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/whuddupmama
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2020
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I get drunk and make stupid memes
πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Glib1
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2020
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What’s the worst thing you can remember doing when drunk?

I remember I came home one night and fixed a dartboard to the ceiling.

Spent the rest of the night throwing up.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pheebsbrown
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2020
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A cop ran into a drunk driver and asks the question β€œHow high are you?”

The drunk driver responds: β€œNo, its β€˜Hi, how are you?’”

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Steph_Curryan
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2020
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Pretty stoked it's the weekend! Gonna relax and get drunk hans style...

Solo

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/postymcpostface21
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2020
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A drunk dude decided to drive and get more beer. After being pulled over and questioned by the cop, the cop said β€œ sir I’m going to have to put you under arrest.” The guy then said

Bud-wei-ser?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/exier--
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2020
🚨︎ report
Gay people can't get drunk

Cause when you're drunk you can't think straight

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/aviviviv
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2020
🚨︎ report
A drunk walks into a bar with jumper cables around his neck.

The bartender says, "You can stay but don't try to start anything."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jigsatics
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2020
🚨︎ report
2 drunk guys getting into a fight. One gets up and draws a line on the ground. He says "you cross this line and I'll punch you in the face".

That was the punchline...

πŸ‘︎ 35
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dinnen1
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2021
🚨︎ report
I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. β€œHow much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. β€œNothing” I slurred. β€œLook at me!” she shouted. β€œIt’s either me or the pub, which one is it?”

I paused for a second while I thought and said, β€œIt’s you. I can tell by the voice.”

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2020
🚨︎ report
How do pandas get drunk?

Bambooze

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Konik1
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2020
🚨︎ report
I saw my wife slightly drunk yelling at the TV saying β€œdon’t go in there you idiot”

She was watching our wedding video again.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Commander_Glory
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2020
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My IT guy just asked, "How does a computer get drunk?"

It takes screen shots.

πŸ‘︎ 611
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thebobstu
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2020
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As I was getting in bed, she said, "you’re drunk."

I said, "How do you know?"

She said, "You live next door."

πŸ‘︎ 92
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Brucemoose1
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2020
🚨︎ report

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