What do you call a drunk person fumbling with their car keys?
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︎ May 13 2021
Got drunk yesterday and puked in the elevator on my way back home.
It was disgusting on so many levels.
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︎ Apr 29 2021
Why do bouncers throw violent drunks out the back door?
Because they belong behind bars.
π︎ 8k
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︎ Feb 16 2021
I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasnβt happy at all. βHow much have you had to drink?β she asked sternly, staring at me. βNothingβ I slurred. βLook at me!β she shouted. βItβs either me or the pub, which one is it?β
I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled, βItβs you. I can tell by the voice.β
π︎ 16k
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︎ Dec 27 2020
A drunk wakes up in jail, "Why am I here officer?"
"For drinking." replies the cop.
"Great" says the man. "When do we start?"
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︎ Dec 08 2020
Itβs not a drunk argument
Itβs a spirited discussion.
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︎ Apr 15 2021
Yeah yeah yeah, the circus fire was in tents but did you hear the one about the giant who got super drunk and threw up?
Really, you didn't about that? It was all over town.
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︎ May 03 2021
One of my friends played guitar while drunkβ¦
Then he got in a Fender bender.
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︎ May 12 2021
How does a computer get drunk?
π︎ 465
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︎ Jan 26 2021
Did you know that you can actually get just as drunk on water...
sips water
...as you can on land
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︎ Apr 22 2021
Two drunk guys were about to get into a brawl. One of the guys grabs a stick and draws a line in the dirt and says "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face".
π︎ 13k
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︎ Sep 22 2020
My Dad told me how to figure out of you're drunk
He said: Son, see those 2 cars over there? If you ever see 4 then you know you're drunk
Me: But Dad, there's only 1 car?
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︎ Mar 10 2021
A high school girl was on her way home from a party, got knockout drunk, and shat on herself and all over her friends.
She was a real party pooper
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︎ Mar 11 2021
My dad always says he only gets drunk on two beers...
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︎ Feb 19 2021
Drunk lolli Hitler.
π︎ 3
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︎ Jan 30 2021
My cell phone got drunk.
It took too many screenshots.
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︎ Dec 03 2020
How do you get a panda drunk
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︎ Nov 19 2020
How can you get drunk using your cell phone?
Take a lot of screen shots!
π︎ 13
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︎ Jan 26 2021
What did Zeus say when he saw everyone getting drunk and acting foolish on Mt. Olympus?
π︎ 7
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︎ Jan 04 2021
What do you say when you are going to drunk dial someone?
π︎ 2
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︎ Dec 17 2020
Its 1:30 and im drunk, thought this was comical
What did the hispanic who took 2 too many drugs say? Help i think I over(dos)ed
π︎ 4
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︎ Oct 28 2020
Goldilocks, running from the 3 bears, finds herself in a dead end with nothing but a bag of ice. Papa bear is Drunk and scary. What happens next?
A Goldy-smack with a cold sack in a cul de sac, which is more than a bear with beer could bare.
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︎ Dec 16 2020
An man at a bar didnβt want his wife to know he was out all night. But he was so drunk he couldnβt even stand and had to crawl all the way back home on all fours.
He got home he reached up for the door knob and opened the door, crawled upstairs and into his bed with his wife. His wife in the morning said βWhy were you out all night?β He said βHow did you find out?β
She said βThe bar called. They said you left your wheelchair againβ.
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︎ Dec 26 2020
I once knew a guy who went to a party in Florida and got so drunk that he woke up in Alabama.
As you can imagine, he wasn't in a very good state.
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︎ Dec 21 2020
I saw a drunk dude riding in a boat on the chests of four women with average bust size, one of whom had a single mastectomy.
He was sailing on the seven Cβs
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︎ Dec 09 2020
My German friend Hans got so drunk on American light beer we had to carry him to the truck to go home...
π︎ 2
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︎ Dec 08 2020
I saw my wife, slightly drunk, yelling at the TV
'Donβt go in there! Donβt go in the church, you moron!' She was watching our wedding video again."
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︎ Sep 05 2020
It's easy to tell the difference between sober and drunk pedestrians.
The difference is staggering.
π︎ 9
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︎ Nov 18 2020
Drunk Giraffe
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︎ Aug 27 2020
Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight, when one draws a line in the dirt and slurs, βIf you cross this, Iβll hit you in the face.β
/r/Jokes/comments/jx9abu/β¦
π︎ 4
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︎ Nov 19 2020
Why do so many people hook up drunk?
Beauty must really be in the eye of the beerholder
π︎ 17
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︎ Oct 04 2020
What did the drunk say to his buddies as he left the bar?
AL-CO-HOL you later!!
(Stole this from a show dont come for me)
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︎ Oct 20 2020
I get drunk and make stupid memes
π︎ 14
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︎ Sep 06 2020
Whatβs the worst thing you can remember doing when drunk?
I remember I came home one night and fixed a dartboard to the ceiling.
Spent the rest of the night throwing up.
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︎ Nov 02 2020
A cop ran into a drunk driver and asks the question βHow high are you?β
The drunk driver responds: βNo, its βHi, how are you?ββ
π︎ 12
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︎ Oct 06 2020
Pretty stoked it's the weekend! Gonna relax and get drunk hans style...
π︎ 4
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︎ Oct 24 2020
A drunk dude decided to drive and get more beer. After being pulled over and questioned by the cop, the cop said β sir Iβm going to have to put you under arrest.β The guy then said
π︎ 6
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︎ Nov 05 2020
Gay people can't get drunk
Cause when you're drunk you can't think straight
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︎ Nov 27 2020
A drunk walks into a bar with jumper cables around his neck.
The bartender says, "You can stay but don't try to start anything."
π︎ 18
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︎ Oct 02 2020
2 drunk guys getting into a fight. One gets up and draws a line on the ground. He says "you cross this line and I'll punch you in the face".
That was the punchline...
π︎ 35
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︎ Feb 05 2021
I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasnβt happy at all. βHow much have you had to drink?β she asked sternly, staring at me. βNothingβ I slurred. βLook at me!β she shouted. βItβs either me or the pub, which one is it?β
I paused for a second while I thought and said, βItβs you. I can tell by the voice.β
π︎ 8k
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︎ Jun 10 2020
How do pandas get drunk?
π︎ 12
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︎ Nov 20 2020
I saw my wife slightly drunk yelling at the TV saying βdonβt go in there you idiotβ
She was watching our wedding video again.
π︎ 42
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︎ Nov 01 2020
My IT guy just asked, "How does a computer get drunk?"
π︎ 611
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︎ Apr 03 2020
As I was getting in bed, she said, "youβre drunk."
I said, "How do you know?"
She said, "You live next door."
π︎ 92
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︎ Sep 04 2020
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