Defences Puns

When a horse jumps over defence defeat go first the detail

I’ve had a lot on my plate recently.

Tofu

Personally, I think it’s nuts.

At the end of it, the person that ran the course said, "Ok, buddy, so for the week you owe me...£380."

"I refuse to pay," I told him.

"You have to," he insisted.

"Well then, you'll have to fight me for it."

So we fought, and he absolutely battered me. Left me bloody, bruised and beaten.

He said, "£380. Cough it up."

"No," I told him, wiping my lip. "Because it was clearly a waste of money."

I had just entered the kitchen and my dad was about to go out the front door, when he suddenly turned to me and simply said "pussy".

Me: "for what?"

Dad: "Pussy!"

Me: "I don't get it!"

And THEN HE JUST WALKED AWAY giggling like he always does, and slammed the door. My last words were just echoing in my head after the complete silence he'd left me in, which made it so much more embarrassing.

So I signed him for self defence class

I think it's a defence mechanism.

In my defence I'd only ever dug up Tyrannosaurus Rex, so I'd never seen herbivore.

In my defence I only intended to rough him up a little bit

He had the perfect case.

So we were at my football game discussing what positions everyone was playing. This is how the conversation went.

Dad: okay so who's playing in de gate?

The team: confused what do you mean, where is de gate?

Dad: oh, its next to defence.

In our defence, a person who sells vegetables is grocer.

They're calling it self defence.

On a hiking trip, our group reached a fork in the path with a short wooden fence in the middle. My friend's dad took a break and sat on the wooden fence, while the other adults in the group looked at the map to choose which way to go.

They couldn't come to a conclusion and asked my friend's dad which way he thinks is better, and he immediately replied, "I don't know guys; I'm on the fence about this one."

My boyfriend: "I mean, Marion got captured because she did NAZI them coming. You get it? She did NAZI them coming. HA. Anne Frankly, I didn't see how you didn't get it. If I keep going this is gonna be holocaustly."

We don't even have kids yet.

The defence is stumped

When watching a football match, and someone in the room says:

"Where's the defence!?"

My Dad: "Next to the de gate!"

Every fucking time. It's worse when he sets himself up.

I've had a lot on my plate recently.

But in my defence, I’ve had a lot on my plate recently