So my family and I went to a local diner over the weekend and the ordering went like this.
Waitress: Hello everyone welcome to the Diner!
What are you guys having to eat this morning?
Mom: I'll get the hash with a side of bacon and two eggs please.
Waitress: how do you like your eggs?
Mom: Over easy please!
I chime in: I'll take the steak and eggs. Eggs over medium please!
look over at my dad and he's smirking and I can tell he's up to something
Waitress: and how about for the Dad?
Dad: I'll take the Country Fried Steak please.
Waitress: okay that comes with two sides, what would you like
Dad: I'll take the hash browns and eggs please.
He's smiling.
I'm thinking dad wtf are you doing with that face you're making right now. Please don't tell m you're going to
Waitress: okay Sir how would you like your eggs
Me thinking: OMFG I know wtf he's about to say. Don't you dare dad
Don't you fking dare
Waitress: Sir, how do you like your eggs? Is Over easy okay?
Dad: Over Here if you can.
> > > >
Dad and Mom are going nuts.
My brother and i have our head in hands.
God damnit Dad.
Talking about Zaphod Beeblebrox and his three arms and my dad proceeds to say "I knew a guy with 5 penises once, his pants fit him like a glove!"
Me: "Dad why does the dog whine so much?"
Dad: "Because she's a whiner dog."
My dad and I are on a trip to San Francisco and we were looking out at the water and boats. Dad: "Hey, wanna know why they call it San Francisco Bay Ferry?" Me: "Why?" Dad: "Because they can't call it a San Francisco Bay Faggot." Me: -_-
To keep up with current events.
It can cause lemon AIDS.
But first, I've got to want to help myself .
Which I think is poor for four.
Sign language
A decomposer.
Because it was Chewy
"Which is?" he asked.
"Exactly."
My personal pronouns are He/Hee
But there is nothing more gratifying than when I tell a great Dad joke and my wife goes “Damnit, I fell for it. I thought you were being serious.”
And for those of you disappointed in the lack of a joke, two guys walk into a bar and it hurt.
He’s now high on the list of people I never want to see again.
Apparently Nancy Pelosi thought it was tearable.
God Damnit
I turned to her and said 'damn that is some sharp cheddar!'
Cop 2: Hate crime?
Cop 1: Of course I hate crime, moron. That’s why I’m a cop.
Tootincommon
People in glass houses shouldn’t get stoned.
He couldn’t see himself doing it.
"You're not holding on to last year's shit"
My wife beat me to the first dad joke of the year. Damnit
Mitosis!
The doctor says it’ll be a few weeks until I can use my ankle again.
It was an ex axis and a why axis.
You’ll get Jurasskiced
Were the first form of pop up notifications
I'm shitting bricks to be honest.
Because it’s past tents
Sunday school.
A man swings his club and fails to hit the ball.
Man: God damnit, I missed.
A nun shakes her head in disapproval. The man swings again and misses yet again
Man: Damnit, I missed again!
Nun: Sir, if you keep on swearing like that, you're gonna go to hell.
The man then laughs and dismisses the nun's comment. He makes one more attempt at hitting the ball, but to no avail.
Man: God fucking damnit!
The sky then goes dark, a lightning bolt strikes the nun, and you can hear a thundery voice say, "God damnit, I missed."
You can mess up just two letters and your whole post is urined
Because he’s only got little legs.
Currently staying at a hotel with my dad. Next to the parking lot there’s a sign that says “pet grounds”, pointing to where you can walk your dog.
My dad reads it aloud, “pet grounds”, so I say “alright then”.
I crouched down, pet the grass a little bit and said, “good grounds”.
Got a good laugh out of it.
