The nurse at the sperm bank asked if I wanted to masturbate in the cup
I replied: I know I am pretty good, but I donβt think Iβm ready to compete just yet
π︎ 33
π
︎ Apr 27 2021
How do cups get their money?
π︎ 3
π
︎ May 04 2021
Two man walk into a coffee shop, one of them orders a Cup of Tea and starts stripping.
The man behind counter says: what the hell is this?
To which the second man says: he's new to Tea
π︎ 7
π
︎ Apr 26 2021
Drinking a stranger's cup of tea...
...is really not my cup of tea.
π︎ 125
π
︎ Feb 07 2021
What do you call a cup coaster that fell in the floor?
π︎ 2
π
︎ Apr 10 2021
While at Starbucks, I said I didn't want the sippy cup lip.
They gave me my drink and said "this is the last straw."
π︎ 22
π
︎ Mar 03 2021
Iβm so bored that I just memorized six pages of the dictionary.
I learned next to nothing.
π︎ 14k
π
︎ Aug 26 2020
Optimist: "That cup is half full."
Pessimist: "That cup is half empty."
Engineer: "Why are we making the cups so big?"
π︎ 14
π
︎ Mar 07 2021
My girlfriend left me while I was crying in the bathroom with constipation. She told me that I was so full of it.
It was the hardest dump I ever took
π︎ 7k
π
︎ Mar 06 2021
Itty bitty t-cup committee
π︎ 219
π
︎ Oct 12 2020
My son came up with this gem just now during his birthday dinner:
What kind of beans do you find in a measuring cup?
Pint-o beans!
π︎ 150
π
︎ May 17 2021
So my daughter is clearing the table and holds her cup above her head and says "Dad look..."
"I'm breathing underwater."
I've never been prouder.
π︎ 13k
π
︎ Apr 03 2020
How did Canada get its name?
They figured out the fairest way to name their country was to pull letters out of a hat. So they gathered around and a guy started pulling letters...
pulls letter "C, eh."
pulls another "N, eh."
pulls another "D, eh."
And that's how Canada got its name.
π︎ 9
π
︎ May 16 2021
I spilled my cup...
... and all I got was this tea shirt
π︎ 5
π
︎ Oct 12 2020
My wife heated up a cup of coffee "just for me"
π︎ 23
π
︎ Dec 08 2020
Always being asked why I'm holding two plastic drinking cups.
My answer is always the same: Because.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Nov 22 2020
Anyone for a drink? A nice cup of tee?
π︎ 48
π
︎ Jul 29 2020
Someone offered me a nice cup of green tea
So naturally I said yes, matcha-bliged
π︎ 13
π
︎ Nov 05 2020
My wife accused me of hating her family
I told her, "your mother-in-law is way better than mine!"
π︎ 354
π
︎ Mar 10 2021
A thief broke into a guy's house, stole his stuff, killed the man, and turned him into a large cupβ¦
π︎ 9
π
︎ Nov 25 2020
Dress code
π︎ 4k
π
︎ Oct 31 2020
Someone stole my coffee cup.
Now I have to go to the police station and look at mug shots.
π︎ 50
π
︎ Sep 19 2020
My type of cup
π︎ 112
π
︎ May 23 2020
A Native American man drank 500 cups of tea in one sitting
Nearly drowned in his own teepee
π︎ 18
π
︎ Sep 19 2020
So my wife is getting some medical tests done (weβre expecting our second child) and had to bring home a urine sample cup to fill up and bring back to the clinic the next day.
She asks me to bring it drop it off at the lab for her and I ask, βwhere do I drop it off?β
She says, βGo in the front door and thereβs a little desk that you -β
βDonβt you mean a LITTLE STOOL!?β
... I hope you guys enjoy that as much as I did. True story happened today!
π︎ 3
π
︎ Nov 18 2020
I was served by a former police officer at my local Applebeeβs, I asked for a cup of water and he gave me a cup of ice instead and said
βJust-ice has been servedβ
π︎ 5
π
︎ Sep 04 2020
A Sippy Cup is called Mr. Sippy, what would you call his wife?
π︎ 7
π
︎ Oct 05 2020
Get it? Or it isn't your cup of tea?
π︎ 33
π
︎ May 26 2020
Guess sheβs a bee-cup?
π︎ 74
π
︎ Jan 25 2020
Why did the blind man always use paper cups?
He has no need for glasses.
π︎ 10
π
︎ Oct 10 2020
Cup Crimes
π︎ 24
π
︎ Apr 16 2020
Itβs a cup cake.
π︎ 73
π
︎ Mar 27 2020
What did the dad say to his son who wouldn't shut up about buying him a cup so he could play sports?
π︎ 2
π
︎ Oct 01 2020
The next generation will be Cup, Plate, and Bowl
π︎ 526
π
︎ Jan 13 2020
My wife's bra has the brand name "Splendid", embroidered on the band under one of the cups ...
I just took a sharpie and wrote "Also quite nice" under the other one.
π︎ 6
π
︎ Sep 03 2020
I was lonely until I glued a coffee cup to the roof of my car
π︎ 7
π
︎ Aug 30 2020
A man started beating me with a cup and stole my wallet.
π︎ 21
π
︎ Sep 03 2020
I once took a trip to Seattle on a plane in which the stewards only served candy made when peanut butter meets milk chocolate...
I don't know how far this Reese eating airline goes...
π︎ 2
π
︎ Mar 18 2021
A man takes his seat at a football world cup final. He looks to his left and notices that there is a spare seat between himself and the next guy.
MAN: "Who would ever miss the world cup final?"
GUY: "That was my wifes seat. We have been to the last five world cup finals together, but sadly she passed away."
MAN: "That's terrible, but couldn't you have brought another family member, friend or someone else with you?"
GUY: "No...They are all at her Funeral!"
π︎ 10
π
︎ Sep 05 2020
cup holder
π︎ 4k
π
︎ Feb 19 2019
Why did the police arrest a cup of snow?
π︎ 10
π
︎ Sep 03 2020
I explained to my wife, "Darling, it doesn't matter if your cup is half full or half empty, my point is..."
"You need to buy a different size bra!"
π︎ 49
π
︎ Jul 06 2020
What do you call a decent cup of coffee?
π︎ 12
π
︎ Aug 29 2020
Mike Tyson gifted little metal cups to his friends...
When they asked what it meant, he said it was a thimble of friendship!
π︎ 72
π
︎ Jun 05 2020
My name is Joe. I'm a cup of me.
π︎ 151
π
︎ Nov 03 2019
I spilled my cup...
... and all I got was this tea shirt
π︎ 10
π
︎ Oct 12 2020
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