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Puma pants.
Pu...ma...pants.
Poo my pants.
I’m such a egghead
“Good thing you’re not an egg!”
“I couldn’t get them, there wasn’t ‘mush room’ in the trolley. “
She threw things at me
and no pun in 10 did
While we were working together, I passed some gas. This conversation immediately followed:
Dad: Did you say something?
Me: No, but there is an asshole behind me talking shit.
Apparently he had never heard this joke, and he couldn't stop laughing for a good minute. It's usually pretty hard to get him to laugh. But we both love lame jokes and it really surprised me he has never heard it.
I know it's probably not a dad joke per se, but Dad/Grandfather to my child was involved so it should still count.
TLDR: farted and said "there's an asshole behind me talking shit"
So, I'm about to eat breakfast at my parents. I ask what kind of bread everyone wants. My mom says, "I like the dill rye bread." My dad replies, "that's because it's made of dill dough!" And they both start laughing hysterically. My parents, ladies and gentlemen. 37 years together and she still finds him funny.
My 13 year old daughter's new boyfriend is named Brennan.
I keep calling him Brendon.
Every time, she replies "Dad, there is no D! It's BRENNAN. NO D! Got it?!?"
And I am just thinking to myself "Good, Good...let's keep it that way."
...Said the clumsy egg.
Backstory: Many years ago I was living on my own about 45 minutes away from my parents. I had a stable job but didn't make much money and was broke most of the time. I had an old beat up car that was my only form of transportation. I would always have mechanical issues with the car and finally one morning it decided it wouldn't start no matter what.
I sheepishly had to call in to work and explain the situation and let them know that I would have to take a sick day but would figure some way to get to work the next day. I called my dad and he offered to come pick the car up on his trailer and take it back to his garage to work on it and get it in shape to trade it in.
He drives to my apartment, we get the car on the trailer and we are headed back to his house. The whole ride there I'm pretty pissed off and depressed about the whole situation. I'm worried about finding a new car and how I'm going to afford it and what I'm gonna do if I can't get it running again.
Dad senses my mood and pretty much keeps quiet the whole time. We get about three blocks away from his house and he utters this gem.
"Man, this car won't get off my ass. He's been tailgating me for 45 minutes now."
This was the perfect thing to snap me out of my funk and break the tension. I absolutely lost it. Only a Dad Joke could make me realize how trivial the whole thing was. I have told this joke to others who didn't really think it was that funny, but to me at the time it was the greatest thing ever.
Thanks Dad.
Did you hear about the midget fortune teller that escaped prison?
The headline read "small medium at large."
My mom walked into the living room, exhaled, and said, "Well..." My dad quickly replied, "That's a deep subject."
Mom (to my dad): You forgot to button the last button on your shirt.
Dad: But darling, I'm just displaying my.... 50 Shades of Gray.
One night when we were sitting around the table eating dinner my brother was showing off his beard talking about how he was doing "No Shave November". My Dad gets up, gets another beer, sits down and just goes, "What's next? No Dump December?" He was sitting there chuckling so hard to himself he couldn't eat another bite.
My dad has been telling this goddamn joke for as long as I can remember -
It's night and completely dark, the only light that shines on the deserted street comes from a lightpost which stands over the sidewalk. A little mouse is frantically wandering around near the lightpost when he gets interrupted by a bear. The bear is curious and asks the mouse what he is doing. The mouse responds: I'm looking for my lense, it fell out and I can't find it. The bear asks if the mouse needs help and the mouse gladly accepts the offer. "Do you know where you were standing when you lost your lense?" asks the bear. The mouse casually points across the street into the black abyss and says "about there, I guess". The bear is surprised by this answer and asks why the mouse isn't looking over there. With a dumbfound look on his face the mouse looks at the bear and says: "Well yeah, but at least I have some light here."
i’m such a egg head
