Tesla just announced they’ll be including a bottle of their new cologne now with every car sold
Lil Nas X sold his sole to make these nike shoes with a drop of human blood
In Jamaica, a slice of apple pie costs about $3.50. In the Bahamas, it costs about $4.00.
Those are the pie rates of the caribbean.
In Jamaica, a slice of pie costs $1.50. In Cuba, they're just $1 each
These are the Pie-rates of the Caribbean
What type of flour is sold at airports?
Why do balloons filled with helium cost more than balloons sold in packages?
A good sense of humour is jenetic
In the Bahamas a piece of pie costs $2.75, in Jamaica a pice of pie costs $3.25.
Those are the pie-rates of the Caribbean.
My wife was fixing the length of my son's pants and I asked her how much that cost, was it a Chris, Luke or Liam?
She looked at me confused and said "What?"
I said, "I want to know how much that hem is worth."
My parents found this while camping... someone has a good sense of humour
You know, one good thing came out of quarantine
All my jokes became inside jokes
What do you call someone who is incredibly good at estimating the weight of objects?
What type of poo smells good?
Captain Hook was upset about the cost of his ear piercings.
But it was only a buck an ear.
One of my friends told me he was opening a clothing store that sold everything except for hats.
I thought he was pulling my leg, but when I asked him, he told me "Yeah man it's true, no cap."
Every morning, I like to stand in front of a mirror and think about all the good things I've done.
It's just a moment of reflection.
Bruh can't think of a good title
A new disease is sweeping the world. It's a type of nostril infection, very costly to test for
But one man, born with extra sensitive smelling, has been providing free exams to the public to eradicate this new threat. Dr. Theodore Nose of UCH Hospital has a long line of patients waiting every morning, wanting the incredible accuracy of this man.
And as his secretary says...
No one's nose knows noses like Nose's nose knows noses.
I watched one of those really good black and white movies the other day
Interracial porn is great
Got my gf good with this one just now... I showed her a picture of the Mexico City skyline and she said, "that's intense!"
I said no, I'm pretty sure they're all buildings.
Thank goodness I finally got rid of my hemorrhoid
it was annoying the crap out of me.
As we drove past Ikea, my dad began one of his rants “Why do people want Swedish furniture? The fancy closet in my bedroom was built by a good ol’ fashioned local carpenter, none of this foreign import rubbish!” He was surprisingly vocal...
how much does a roof cost ?
nothing - it’s on the house
I got tired trying to think of a good posting title for this one.
I’m good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet.
What do you call the act of rummaging around in a purse by a warthog that is good at talking to women?
I was walking past the river today and this guy asked me if his rod looked good. Then, he asked if I liked his net. When he continued on and asked if I was impressed by the amount of fish he had caught, I finally lost it and shouted...
"Hey buddy, quit fishing for compliments!"
A pirate wanted to celebrate his captain’s birthday, so he bought a large quantity of balloons while ashore. Back on the ship, he walked over to hand the balloons to the captain, but he tripped and most of them floated away. The captain said, “Arrr! That was a costly mistake...”
“We lost a lot of doubloons.”
In addition to Taiwan, the US has also sold torpedoes to Vietnam. Rather than pay money, they traded with a huge bulk of food. The weapons are now called ...
Pho Ton Torpedoes.
(A consequence of reading a front page post about the sale to Taiwan while watching ST:TNG.)
Was so proud of my boys. I just asked them what we should call the can opener that just broke. I’m an instant they said, “A can’t opener?” They will be good dads someday!
A pic for anyone who wants to see it:
https://www.reddit.com/r/funny/comments/lum6ev/so_if_this_is_broken_would_it_now_be_a_cant_opener/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
In my job interview I was asked what some of my good qualities were...
Well my doctor always calls me patient.
I have a good friend who wears clothes made of nothing but carpet.
The XFL was just sold to Dwayne Johnson and a couple of investors for $15 million...
..now that's a Rock bought 'em price.
A friend of mine makes good money selling camel’s milk, but he has to put up with surly camels all day.
My daughter got out of choir practice. She was talking about who her favorite conductors were, and was really excited about her favorite ones, because she said they were very good conductors.
Did they stick their fingers in an electrical socket?
"No... Why..?"
Well, then, how do you know if they were good conductors or not?
Today I learned that the band Nirvana sold its own brand of gum.
It was called Smells Like Green Spearmint.
My new pencil sharpener came with a good set of instructions.
It was full of useful pointers.
Do you know why the cost of balloons is going up?
Why shouldn't you put more than 239 beans in a soup?
Because adding just one more would make it too farty. Straight from my 7 year old daughter.
Edit: Thank you so much for the awards and upvotes. I showed my daughter how many people saw and appreciated her humor and she's extatic. I know she probably didn't come up with the joke herself but this was one of the first times she really got me with a good one and I thought I'd share it with some fellow dads and others.
Can anyone reccomend me a good way of cleaning windshield from ice?
I used my discount card but I only got 20% off!
I have a plan for a new side-hustle. I’m gonna do personal training for members of the band that recorded ‘Lola’ and ‘You Really Got Me’. It’s a good plan...
I just have to work out a few Kinks.
I was trying to think of a really good punchline. This is as best as I can do
Floyd mayweather, Mike Tyson, Deontay Wilder and Earnie Shavers
A man who had just died was delivered to the mortuary wearing a beautiful black suit.
The mortician asked the deceased’s wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out the man looks good in the black suit he’s already wearing. The widow however said she thought her husband always looked his best in blue, and she would really like him in a blue suit. She then hands the mortician a blank cheque and says “I don’t care how much it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.” The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe. Remarkably, the suit fit him perfectly. She says to the mortician, “whatever this costs I’m very satisfied, you did an excellent job and I’m incredibly grateful. How much did you spend?” To her astonishment the mortician presents her with her blank cheque, and he says “there’s no charge.” Shocked she replies “no really, I feel like i must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit.” “Honestly ma’am”, the mortician says, “it costs nothing, you see a diseased gentleman about your husbands size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday. He was wearing an attractive blue suit. So I asked his wife if she minded if her husband went to the grave wearing black. She had said it made no difference so long as he looked nice. So from that point on it was really just a matter of switching the heads.”
Everyone should own a good piece of neckwear
It can really tie an outfit together
What’s the opposite of a good time?
Whatever happens in the MEANtime!
Happy New Year! Remember kids, you need to make some good resolutions to become a better version of yourself.
If you don’t, they’ll just go in one year and right out the other.
My dad was bragging about his new hearing aid. “State of the Art,” he said, “It cost me a fortune.”
I said, “Awesome. What type is it?”
He said, “ Two thirty.”
What do you call someone who is incredibly good at estimating the weight of objects?
In Jamaica apple pie costs $2 a slice while in the Bahamas a slice of cherry pie costs $3.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
A slice of apple pie in Jamaica is $2.00. In the Bahamas it costs $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
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