But nowadays, my words are saved!
Wife: She’s so beautiful look how skinny she is Husband: she’s so skinny she can hang glide with a Dorito Wife: WOW! That was original Husband: No honey, it was actually Cool Ranch
Dad: Give me your best knock knock joke. Or jokes. Do it when you can no rush.
Me: Does it have to be a knock knock joke or can it be any joke?
Dad: Knock Knock.
Me: Who’s there?
Me: "Hey dad, hypothetically, if the world suddenly ran out of beer, what would you do?"
Dad: "I'd probably swap to pandas."
Me: "Is ... is that like a type of cider?"
Dad: "No, it's a black and white animal."
Me: "Dad? There aren't any pandas in New Zealand?"
Dad: "Well, there's no bears either."
I’m not very good at small talk.
First lady: Isn’t it a bit windy? Second lady: I thought it was Thursday. Third lady: Me too, let’s have a cup of tea.
She was sitting in the car at the mall while her mother shopped. I was sitting inside the mall but outside the shop waiting and wishing I was dead.
Daughter: How much longer, I have to pee.
Me: I have no idea. You'd better come inside, if you don't, urine trouble.
Daughter: You're an idiot.
Son: Dad, there's a hole in your t-shirt. Me: I know, it's my religious t-shirt. Son: gives me a blank look Me: It's holy!
Son: Nah. The moon has no legs.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Brother: Babe, we need to eat all the pears, they’re going to go bad soon.
SIL: but I don’t like pears, you can eat the rest of them...
Brother: I don’t think I can eat the rest of them by myself though...
Me, from another part of the room: well you better pre-pear yourself!
*ugly laughs from the couch
A Conversation I had with my Daughter when I dropped her off at school
Me: Hey so you know how your cats are always running around all over the place right?
Daughter: Yeah why?
Me: So When they stop moving are they on Paws?
Daughter: Face Palms and says "OKAY DAD BYEEE!!!"
Me: YESSSS! Fist Pump!
But I knew it was lying because I could see right thourgh it
I guess there just isn’t that much to torque about.
Séonce
Because it's always salty!
Me: The washer is free
Dad: No it wasn’t, it cost a lot
Son: “I hate crumbs.”
Me: “That’s not cool. Crumbs never did anything to you.”
Son: “Well I don’t want to eat them.”
Me: “And they don’t want to eat you.”
Son: “Crumbs can’t eat anything, Dad. They don’t have a mouth and they can’t swallow things inside them.”
Me: “What if there’s a river of crumbs going into the ocean and a duck lands on them and it’s like quicksand so the duck gets swallowed up at the mouth of the river of crumbs? I’d say it just got eaten.”
Son: “And I’d say you’re ducking weird.”
And I will die a log.
My wife told me to get over it cause it was just one byte.
Son: Daddy, where is Thomas? Daddy: I don’t know, mate. Son: He must be working from home today.
Is this his first dad joke?? Strange what they must be picking up from conversations. Got me good.
Their conversations always dragon for way too long
Well, what can i say, kids his age are irrational
I had a cold and my dad asked if my nose was running.
I said yes.
He said, You had better catch it then
I love my dad
It helps me speak boulder.
They were in love, but one of their parents refused to let one of the melons marry the other, so it suggested that they run off and get married. The other melon said, "I'm sorry, but I cantaloupe."
No, she wanted to go.
There would be mass confusion
Sometimes, not so solid, either.
We just clicked
“Hi, how are you getting on?”
but everyone was occupied
Me: You really cannot say when the lockdown will end, KENYA?
She: yeah, this SPAIN hurts
Me: stay home and be safe, whats the RUSSIA?
She: I am bored, VENICE this gonna end?
Me: At least your savings is DUBLIN right?
She: I give up, IRAN out of travel puns now
He just kept saying he had 0% interest.
