Customer contemplates buying a cord and then says:

"Don't know if it'll work but might as well take a shot. Lincoln did."

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ‘€︎ u/Mr-Ultimate
πŸ“…︎ Jun 05 2016
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Geology rocks

But geography is where it's at

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ‘€︎ u/Hud_is_on
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2020
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My friends always say contemplating the meaning of art is the most philosophical side to art...

But when I’m drawing, deciding β€œ2B or not 2B” is the real question.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ‘€︎ u/InformerMaz
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2019
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I go to Popeye's to get the kids something to eat.

Maddie wanted the kids meal with a leg so I said β€œKids meal with the leg” and the lady says β€œWhich side?”

Me- *complete silence as I heavily contemplate such an odd decision*

β€œI guess the right side, hell I don’t know what the difference is.”

After several moments of laughter she says β€œNo hunny which side would you like to go with the leg? Potatoes or fries?”

πŸ‘︎ 9k
πŸ‘€︎ u/viperfour
πŸ“…︎ Aug 17 2019
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This story is about a man called Trevor, and his obsession with tractors.

Trevor loved tractors. And I mean, really loved tractors. Forget any obsessions or high-level interests you may have, chances are they pale in the face of Trevor’s love for tractors.

Every day Trevor would get up, in his tractor-themed bedroom in his tractor-themed house, with its tractor-themed wallpaper and tractor-themed carpets, and he would make his bed with its tractor-themed duvet and tractor-themed sheets. He would go downstairs in his tractor-themed pajamas into his tractor-themed kitchen, with its tractor-themed tiles and cupboards, and he would eat his breakfast while perusing the latest tractor-themed magazine or annual.

Trevors’s degree in Agricultural Engineering hung on his living room wall, along with a copy of his thesis, which centred around (you guessed it) tractors. The living room was decorated with all sorts of tractor-related trinkets, including die-cast models, paintings and drawings.

The hedges in Trevor’s front garden were trimmed in the shape of tractors. His lawn was vividly decorated with tractor-driving garden gnomes, and his garden furniture was constructed from various parts from vintage tractor designs.

Trevor just had one thing missing from his otherwise tractor-centric life; he had never actually owned, nor driven, a real tractor.

Not for his lack of trying, of course. Trevor had been to many tractor shows over the years, and visited many farms with friends of his, but none of the tractors he had seen had ever been quite right. Trevor was so knowledgeable about tractors that every single one he had come across had possessed some hidden trait that he wasn’t keen on. His first experience of driving a real tractor had to be perfect.

One day, Trevor was flicking through one of his favourite publications, Powertrain Quarterly, when there was a knock at the door. Trevor answered, and it was his friend and fellow tractor enthusiast, Jeff.

Trevor welcomed Jeff in, and over tea and crumpets served on tractor-themed crockery, they discussed the merits of aluminium drawbars and front-end loaders. Eventually Trevor pressed Jeff to explain the reason for his visit.

β€œWell” said Jeff, β€œAs I’m sure you know the convention comes to town later”.

The convention. Trevor had been thinking of little else the past three weeks. The neighbouring town annually threw a convention for farmers, particularly farmyard machinery. There would be combine harvesters, lawnmowers, and of course, tractors.

β€œYes of course” replied Trevor

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ‘€︎ u/ShredderSte
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
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I stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said β€œDUCK, EGGS”.

I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2020
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The contemplative tree

Is the ponderosa

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ‘€︎ u/good_life_pa
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2018
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I want to die in my sleep, just like my grandpa did...

Unlike the passengers in his car.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ‘€︎ u/andersonfmly
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2020
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Girlfriend after heavy contemplation...

Being a sausage dog would be the wurst.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ‘€︎ u/Sparrow_13
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2015
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What do thoughtful people eat from?

A contemplate.

πŸ‘︎ 36
πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Jul 21 2018
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If I started a dinnerware company, and put shower thoughts on every product

Would they be Contemplates?

πŸ‘︎ 44
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2017
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Country girl goes to visit her big city cousin.

So the two girls get invited to a dance. The country girl thinks this might be too high brow for her, and tells her cousin, β€œGolly, them city fellers might think I’m just a dumb hick.” Her cousin says, β€œDon’t worry. Just do as I do and you’ll be fine.” After hours of dancing they got tired, so they sat down. Another guy comes and asks the city girl to dance. She smiles sweetly and says β€œI’m contemplating matrimony and I think I’d like to sit.” So when the next guy comes up to ask the country girl to dance she smiles confidently and says, β€œI’m constipated on macaroni and I think I’d like to shit.”

πŸ‘︎ 23
πŸ“…︎ Aug 01 2018
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A moth walks into a podiatrist's office...

and tells the doctor,

Moth: Doc, I've got a terrible problem. My wife left me. I hate my job. I'm so depressed that I often contemplate suicide.

Doc: I don't know how to help you. You need to see a psychiatrist. Why do you come to my office?

Moth: The light was on.

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ‘€︎ u/tamarockstar
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2017
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A whale walks into a bar...

This come courtesy of my wife

A whale walks into a bar, as soon as the bartender sees him he starts yelling at him, we don't serve your kind here, get out! So the whale leaves and resolves to change things, he goes to college, gets his business degree and buys the bar he was thrown out of. He hires the same bartender and kept everything the same. He walks into the bar, now the proud owner, and again the bartender see him. What can I get you boss the bartender asks nervously. The whale pauses shortly as if contemplating, he then opens his mouth and says, blub blub blub because whales can't talk.

πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ‘€︎ u/TheGlymps
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2018
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After the stock market crash, the former millionaire was depressed

He was used to living the good life, and all the perks that go with it. His refined palette missed the fine dining, at five-star restaurants run by top chefs. Now reduced to eating macaroni and cheese with hotdogs, he looked down at his plate and contemplated suicide.

It was a wurst case scenario.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ‘€︎ u/The_Possum
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2017
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The tale of Ivan Ivanavich (Long)

There once was a man from the Ukraine named Ivan Ivanavich. Now Ivan and his family were dirt poor, in fact they were so poor, that they had to sell the cockroaches and rats they found in their hovel to make some spare change to to feed their many family members. One day, Ivan decided it was time to travel to the United States to try and have a better life and miraculously he managed to get aboard a ship to the States. Now his journey on this ship was miserable, he was down in the bowels of the ship, which was flooded with rats and feces, but he hunkered down and gave it his all to survive this terrible journey. finally, one day he hears commotion above, they had arrived at last. Ivan walks up to the topside of the old ship and sees the New York Harbor. He stands there amazed seeing such a beautiful sight. Ivan starts his life in New York but he doesn't have a significantly better life than the one he left behind. Nobody is interested in hiring immigrants but eventually he lands himself a gig of selling old newspapers. He would go through garbage cans to find old papers and would sell them to people in the poorer part of town. He makes slightly more spare change, but not really enough to live a better life. In his spare time, which he had plenty, he decides to start free diving in the bay. He goes there each day, and started to get really good at it. One day, an owner of a Circus spots him diving and is amazed at how good he is. He decides to offer Ivan a job at his circus doing performance diving. Ivan eagerly accepts and begins his career as a circus member performing amazing high jumps into really small containers of water. After a few months of doing this he suggests to the owner one amazing jump to wow everyone and put his circus on top of the entertainment world. The owner contemplates this and eventually agrees. He rents a ship much like the one Ivan arrived in and placed the smallest container yet. The radio and tv crews, journalist all arrive to spectate the event of a lifetime. The hour arrives and Ivan begins his climb up a massive lighthouse on the edge of the cliff, and the ship is positioned into place beneath him. Ivan is very nervous but decides it's go time, and jumps from the massive lighthouse. As Ivan falls, he takes perfect form heading straight towards his target. As he dives a sudden wave pushes the ship ever slightly throwing off the careful alignment. Ivan hits the deck and goes straight through the top of the ship. The spectato

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ‘€︎ u/Entophreak
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2017
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Friend of mine dadjoked the waitress while we were on a double date...

At a restaurant, waitress comes to take our order...

Friend: Yeah, can I have the quesadilla? But I'm not that hungry, is there anyway I can have just one 'dilla' and not the whole case?

I preceded to laugh uncontrollably. The ladies contemplated leaving.

πŸ‘︎ 227
πŸ‘€︎ u/KeithSkud
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2014
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A compass, a cough drop, and a match.

As a Boy Scout, we would camp a lot and go on hikes.

One night, we had to do a night hike, alone, for a merit badge. I had left the campsite about an hour earlier and a terrible storm rolled in. The sky opened up and the ground was quickly saturated. I tried to continue my hike for another few minutes, but it got cold and I was chilled and soaked to the bone, so I decided to try to head back to camp.

Lightning was starting to crackle above me, so I thought I should try to take a shortcut to make my hike back quicker. I pulled out my compass and found my direction, but the rain made it impossible to see more than five feet in front of me.

I was looking down at my compass, not paying any attention to where I was going, and suddenly felt weightless. The feeling didn't last long as I thumped down on slippery earth a second later.

I had fallen onto a ledge on the side of a rather steep cliff, the bottom of which was at least fifty feet down.

I sat there, contemplating on how to get back up this cliff as water rolled over the edge ten feet above me. There was nothing to grab onto to pull myself up. I was stuck there.

After a few minutes, I noticed the little ledge I was standing on was slowly getting smaller. The water was coming down so hard it was eroding the tiny bit of safety I had.

I dug through my pockets, thinking maybe I had something, anything, to help me out of my precarious situation. All I had was my compass, a cough drop, and a match. I was screwed.

So, I sat there, watching the edge of the ledge I was on get closer and closer to my feet, when suddenly I felt something pushing on my back.

I turned slightly and saw a wooden box sticking out of the cliff behind me. It was working its way out of the side, the rain surely helping it along. I tried to move away from it, but the ledge wasn't very wide and the box kept coming out, pushing me farther to the weak and failing edge.

As more of the box came out, to my horror, I realized it was a coffin! I had no idea how old it was, but it looked rather rotten. All I could think of was being pushed off this ledge, and the rotten coffin breaking and dropping a skeleton onto my broken and battered body at the bottom.

The coffin crept closer, my foot began to slip. I grabbed onto a root that was sticking out of the cliffside and dug in my pocket once more.

I hurriedly tore the wrapper off the cough drop and stuck it in my mouth. It stopped the coffin.

This joke has been told to me

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 46
πŸ‘€︎ u/TipCleMurican
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2014
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Dadjoked at the office yesterday

Received an email that was copied to about half the company notifying everyone of a package that was returned and undeliverable. It was addressed to a Ms. Bargo.

Without even thinking, I replied all asking if her first initial was 'M,' as an 'M. Bargo' would very likely be the reason for a shipping issue.

Went waaaaaay over the sender's head. Heard it being contemplated and explained over on the other side of the office.

πŸ‘︎ 90
πŸ‘€︎ u/jdrach85
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2015
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Got a defetead sigh from my son and a nod of approval from a fellow dad.

Was waiting in line at the consession stands to buy popcorn and a drink.

Me, "What do you want son?"
Son, "Can I get a large popcorn and an raspberry Icee?"
Me in a very contemplative tone, "You want an Icee, hmm, I see"

πŸ‘︎ 49
πŸ‘€︎ u/Deathlui
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2015
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Why did the Spice Girl have an existential crisis?

She was contemplating what it meant to be cumin.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ‘€︎ u/FCantante
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2017
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So our family is discussing moving to Switzerland to follow my Dad's work.....

We are all quiet, contemplating the pros and cons of the move and then dad speaks up:
You know one of the advantages of moving to Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus.
Cue the instant groans...... Oh dad, we love you

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ‘€︎ u/FyreNinja
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2015
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Physics can be confusing.

Now, I am not a dad, but I told my father this joke and he giggled, so I feel like it still counts as a dad joke. In a unit on wave mechanics, my class was discussing pendulums. As we talked about pendulums and how they related to wave mechanics, my buddy said, in a contemplative manner, "I just don't know what to think about pendulums." I responded, "So you could say, your thoughts have gone back and forth on the matter." Many groans were had.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ‘€︎ u/CommJimp
πŸ“…︎ Jun 03 2014
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It's been too cold to venture out the past few days. I'm not sure if cabin fever is setting in, or if dad's sense of humor has always been this lame.

We were all sitting there watching an Animal Planet special on bird migration (not by choice, the remote died), and after a few minutes apparent contemplation dad let this one loose on us.

"Did you hear about the ornithologist whose expedition was cancelled due to a severe snow storm?

I guess you could say things took an arctic tern for the worst!"

I think I may be booking a seat on the soonest ice floe out of this burg just to get away.

Oh no, he's got me doing it! It's spreading - run, save yourselves!

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ‘€︎ u/barthm1
πŸ“…︎ Feb 21 2015
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Pre-dad joke

Just happened. My wife and I were contemplating childbirth, and I acted out my part of it by clinging to her upper half and saying "I'm staying on this side - or maybe I'll look into the Eye of Vagauron (a poor wordplay on Eye of Sauron).

Wife: -silence-

Me: that was a stretch but I'm sticking to it

And that's when she bursts out laughing and I accidentally a pre-dad joke

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ‘€︎ u/phatskat
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2015
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