What did Sin say to Cos after Cos challenged Sec to complete a challenge?
My date canceled because I told her I am a complete dick.
I just meant I'm uncircumcised.
My parents took me to a child psychologist once, but that was a complete disaster.
The kid was only six years old.
I walked downstairs to find my daughter eating cereal in complete darkness
I asked her, "What kind of psycho eats cereal in the dark?"
"A cereal killer" she replied.
I have taught her well.
[In a courtroom] Lawyer: Judge, you a complete moron are!!
Judge: That’s out of order.
This one’s for all those avid readers of the complete joke...
I saw some people building a new bridge near me and every lunch break, they would sit down for afternoon tea complete with tablecloth and napkins…
It was very civil engineering…
Why was the miner so determined to complete digging on a second plot of land?
Because he had one tract mined.
Two wind turbines were standing around, complete silence except for the wind, when one asks the other, "Hey, what kind of music do like?" The other one thinks for a few revolutions and says,
"I'm a really big heavy metal fan."
My first job was telling golfers how much time a scratch player should take to complete a hole on the golf course...
I sometimes speak in complete sentences.
Other times, incomplete sentences.
My brother and I are very competitive at work but exactly alike. What takes me 3 months to complete, my brother . . .
Why couldn't the trapeze artist complete a full somersaulting transfer in mid-air?
Because he didn't give a flying flip.
Exasperated, I threw my hands up in the air and shouted at my wife, "I'm not a complete idiot!" She smiled at me and purred, "I know honey."
"Some parts are missing."
I had to have complete control to take this picture
I absolutely support any scientist who is trying to create a complete invisibility cloak.
I just want to make myself clear.
I used to be a complete idiot.
But then, I lost a leg, wisened up and became an incomplete idiot.
I got an early flight home so I decided to surprise my wife. Got home about 10 PM. Walked in my bedroom, and to my COMPLETE surprise, there is my wife in bed with my best friend. I couldn't believe it.
I then yelled for my dog to get off the bed.
He's a complete basket case
I got an email that said "You have won £36,769,011. To complete the transaction we will need your bank details."
"Certainly," I replied. "It's a big building with money inside."
When a Japanese fry cook completes his training he's presented with a Hibachilor's Degree.
Every molecule in my body came to a complete stop earlier.
I tried chicken farming once, but i was a complete failure.
Not sure if I buried them too deep, or too far apart.
My work is complete....
We were at the dinner table with my adult children and my son said he was teaching his physics class the concept of simple machines. He had given the class a brief intro about their usefulness and how they can be found everywhere. Then he asked the students to come up with all the examples they could think of.
My daughter, barely containing herself to wait for a pause in the conversation, said with only the slightest of grins, "So the lesson would be 50 ways to love your lever?"
My dadness has been passed on. Nothing left for me to do here.
Astronomers got tired of measuring the time taken for the earth to complete a full rotation of its axis.
So they decided to call it a day.
What is the first thing an astronomer does to complete a task?
A complete set of instructions for riding an escalator:
Anybody who can complete tasks atop the surface of their lower kitchen cabinets is...
If I linked enough watches together to make a belt, it would be a complete waist of time.
I used to have the complete Agatha Christie collectionbut this morning I woke up to find that half of it was missing. I looked everywhere but couldn't find them and it was driving me mad...
What do you call people who complete their tasks in time and have no trouble with deadlines?
My grandfather passed away before he could complete his collection of stuffed marshland birds.
A newly wed gave away his complete set of encyclopedia Britannica.
He says his new bride knows everything...
Fun whiskey fact: when creating Buffalo Trace bourbon, the first couple of attempts were complete failures. They even went so far as to destroy all records of the early products
which is why you never hear about Buffalo Uno or Buffalo Dos
When a parrot causes complete and total Destruction
I didn't complete the Scadanavian languages course; I did well enough at the beginning in Danish, Swedish, and Norweigian...
...but I just couldn't Finnish.
A trip to the theme park is not complete with without riding this
http://madeofmistake.com/roller-coaster
How does a thief complete his education?
By getting his masters degree.
Sometimes I do a complete 360 in my opinion...
...and don't change my mind at all.
A complete stranger came up to me and told me that she was a vegetarian.
I thought you guys might like this. I complete list of "Poke her? I barely know her!" style puns I made
arthur-johnston.com/stati…
At work and my manager was reminding us our deadline to complete our computer-based Internet security class...
A coworker asks, "I'm swamped with work this week— what if I can't get around to it?"
Cutting my manager off I say, "You'll be sleeping with the phishers, see?"
[five second pause—queue collective groan]
My mission as a dad is complete.
'V' is my 4 year old son:
http://imgur.com/fr7PzTI
My training is complete...
My mom was opening her presents and unwrapped a brand new fitbit. As she opened it, she exclaimed, "Yes! I am going to get fit!" And without even looking at each other, my dad and I simultaneously from opposite sides of the room interject, "Bit by bit!" My wife looked at me with an expression that was the perfect cocktail of disbelief, groaning, and eye-rolling while my father walked with his head held a little higher that night.
Dadjoked in the bathroom by a complete stranger.
I went into the bathroom to wash my hands after lunch, and as I'm washing my hands I notice the person next to me is staring at me in the mirror trying to make eye contact. So I looked up and she said "this water is getting out of hand." I looked down at her hands, and she had them cupped under the running water, with the water pouring over the sides. We've been best friends ever since.
My dad's text to me last night. Complete with almost correct Asian grammar.
"This and That" otherwise known as my Dads favorite joke. Told at any occasion to family members, friends or complete strangers in the street always followed by a hearty dad laugh.
imgur.com/a/EVYXo?gallery
Complete blindside by the mom...
I was sitting next to my mother on Saturday and we were discussing our schedule for the event we were attending. Since neither of us could remember what we had signed up for, I decided to check the sent mail folder on my phone. As it turns out, I hadn't checked that folder since September of last year. My mother, who is a tad OCD about things being up to date, looked at me completely appalled:
Mom: You haven't checked your smell since September?
Me: Wait, what?
Mom: You know, your sent?
Needless to say, I was very proud once I got over the shock.
I was able to get an early flight home so I decided to surprise my wife. Got home about 10 PM. Walked in my bedroom, and to my complete surprise, there is my wife in bed with my best friend. I couldn't believe it.
I then yelled for my dog to get off the bed.
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